Boyfriend says I'm controlling

[DrivingMissNuts]

NC for this but frequent poster.

My Bf of 8 months is accusing me of being controlling yet gets me to choose everything and make all the decisions. I don't get it. I would love for him to decide where we go on nights out or days out or what we have for dinner sometimes (I'd like him to cook for once too!) etc but he refuses to choose and says I have to. He point blank refuses despite me saying I'd like him to make some decisions. Then makes sarky comments about me being controlling. I'm not sure if he's worried he'll choose "wrong" and thinks I'll be annoyed but I've done everything I can to encourage him to take charge of things sometimes and am happy to do pretty much anything as happy being out with him wherever and he knows this. Is it so wrong of me to want him to make some decisions and is it wrong of me to be upset at being called controlling. He doesn't see my problem.

Yes, it's often hard to see it when you're in it. To me, an outsider, from reading your posts on this thread, it seems quite obvious that he was showing abusive tendencies.

You'll probably remember other times, or things that he said, that were warning signs, now that you're out of it.

At least you noticed before you started living together. It would have been a lot harder to leave him then. Well done!

Like grabbing my bum in public, me saying I don't like it, and him saying what's my problem he's only showing affection? He sulked big time about that and said I was in a mood with him. That really pissed me off. Saying there was "no need for all this upset" whenever I got upset or annoyed about something he'd said or done/not done?

As a PP said, do the Freedom Programme. It's a very good way to learn the difference reasonable/unreasonable behaviour. It will really help you avoid twats in future.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I've just been reading what I can of the freedom program online and feel sick, really physically sick. Not only is this guy apparent in there but also my husband (I knew he would be but not as a sexual controller as well as a bully and a jailer), my boyfriend when I was 18-20 and an OLD guy who I spotted for a controller and he dumped me when he realised I wasn't going to be controlled.
I feel like such an idiot for keep choosing these men.
I'm going to sign up for the program to avoid any future problems but think I'll stay single.

Thank you to all those who have commented. You have really helped, especially the suggestion about the freedom program. I've started a new thread to discuss my realisations as feel so sick.
Thanks again to everyone

So, disregarded your feelings, doesn't surprise me.

I'm glad you're going to do the Freedom Programme. You need to break out from this cycle of abusive relationships. There are good men out there, I promise you!

I feel like such an idiot for keep choosing these men.

You are not an idiot. In a sense, most of us do what we are programmed to do, and it's only when we realise that programming is at work that we can start to change it.

Do the programme.

Men like this date and will make minor boundary pushes any women that won't put up with it aren't their type. Plus these women would end it at the first sign. Those relationships will end pretty quickly. They find someone who has poor boundaries and work their way up with increasing levels of control and sometimes sadly this can escalate to dangerous levels both physical and mental.

I was involved with a women's refuge as a fund raiser in quite a small town. What I was told was that over the years different women that came to the refuge or sought help would name men and the same names kept cropping up time and again. These kind of men actually seek out vulnerable women. I know that can sound a bit victim blaming because I initially balked but they were just really saying these men try to find women that will put up with their behaviour, they test all women with minor stuff, keep pushing and then escalate their behaviour when they find a woman who will unfortunately put up with it.

Well done for finishing it, block him on every single social media platform and do not stay friends with him under any circumstances. You deserve so much better.

I only just saw this thread this morning, well done you for finishing with this man. He really does sound controlling with his gaslighting.

He says things shouldn't be this much hard work in a relationship

Yeah, for him. How dare you expect him to pull his own weight in a relationship?!? You harpy!

I'm so glad you called it off. Now, please don't worry one jot about what he thinks - there's no way you can win that one.

And your DC won't miss him much, in the end. It's easy to be charming and fun when you want to. Your DC won't truly like somebody who's making their mum unhappy.

Well done, you. Onward and upward!

Oh yeah, and he said none of this was his fault. It's my doing that we've split up and was my choice, not his

I don’t get why you’ve put the angry face after this statement. It is your doing, and surely that is fine?

It’s good that you made the choice to dump him. You actually have taken control in a very positive way x

Good luck for the future!

Dalmatian because he never takes responsibility for anything. He couldn't see that his behaviour was the reason I was finishing with him. As usual it was all my fault. I am fine in taking responsibility for ending things but he is the reason why I finished things.

Good for you @DrivingMissNuts ! You'll never regret it. Being with someone like this is sheer misery.

Kitty it really was miserable. I'd look forward to seeing him but if he'd have cancelled I wouldn't have been arsed and I was always relieved when he left. It meant I could sleep in my own bed for a start!

There's a book called The Silent Marriage which might be of interest to you. These people really know how to drag you down and apply the pressure on you not to free yourself from it. It's also good to consider why you would tolerate such crappy treatment.

Staying single is a good idea. It helps you to reset your boundaries and your self-esteem. You then have a clearer idea, a few years down the line, of what you will and won't put up with.

My XH did this when he rewrote our history when he left.

He would NEVER make a decision - from where to walk the dogs to what to have for dinner, it was always 'oh, you decide, I'll choose next time.' And then, when he left, he had the nerve to say that I never 'let him' make any choices!

If I had 'let him', I'd still be sitting here, fifteen years after we met, trying to decide where we should go on our first date.

Something worth remembering is your partners uoset or annoyance that you are pissdd off or upset at their behaviour is Not Your Problem. My dh is a good guy but when we were very young I’d have serious issues, and he’d get so upset it almost became about him. It’s probably good that he became upset st having his dickishness pointed out, but I’m not there to soothe those feelings. Don’t be a dick and we won’t be having these difficult conversations.

Timeis that's EXACTLY what he used to do- make it all about him and how he felt and how I was making him feel bad or how he was stressed and didn't need this on top of everything else etc. So my feelings and needs were totally swept under the carpet because his needs and feelings became the focus. For example I was upset he usually couldn't orgasm through intercourse unless it went on forever and I was on top. Being on top caused me pain so I avoided it but felt guilty as knew my preferred position which didn't cause me pain usually failed to work for him. It made me feel useless and I wanted to improve things as was upset by it. He insisted it wasn't a problem, that my suggestion of being incompatible in bed was ridiculous, that he wasn't bothered about having an orgasm (really?) and nothing needed to change. He said if I could go on top for a short time that would be good and he made a big thing about me being in control of the situation but he would frequently just give up because he couldn't orgasm so I felt guilty and as if I had to try for longer because I felt so bad about it and he was so frustrated. I ended up dreading sex because I felt so emotionally unfulfilled. He always used to say how he hated me coming to bed wearing pyjamas and why could t I just be naked despite the fact I told him how uncomfortable that made me. He just never saw anything as a problem and discounted my feelings. I was "silly" which infuriated me to be called that.

If I'd have eaten there I would have been in a great deal of pain all night and then he'd be pissed off I wasn't up for sex. Can't win.

This was the first red flag for me. And your last post just confirmed it. He didn't respect you at all. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for feeling too ill for sex!

Parsnip he'd confuse the hell out of me because he'd say it was fine if I didn't want sex but he'd be sulky about it. He'd demand to know why I didn't want sex because he had huge self esteem issues so he couldn't bear to think I didn't want him despite the fact I might just be tired or not feel well it just not be in the mood. It all became about him and how it was ok to say no as long as he knew why otherwise he'd be thinking it was something he'd done or something about him or him, him, him. Or god forbid I'd be just like his ex-wife because she rarely wanted sex and when she did it had to be her way and he couldn't satisfy her so she'd sulk and criticise. He said he'd never had a high sex drive until he met me. I call bullshit on that one. Along with the "this is the best sex I've ever had" I think that was to make me more inclined to have sex with him because he claimed it was so good (even though he couldn't orgasm). The whole thing just makes me feel sick now.

I try not to remember having sex with my exes, it makes me feel all creeped out that I would ever have wanted to.

Good for you, love. Now you can start to work on yourself and give yourself the chance to date guys who aren't this much hard work. Onwards and upwards, eh?

Definitely onwards and upwards! I looked st some photos of his last night and just felt repulsed. I take that as progress.

I keep returning to how nice he seemed though. He was never horrible to me. Everything he said it did was so reasonable. Which is why if I questioned anything to myself it tended to be very brief because he was so nice and kind and generous and took me on great days out and holidays (that I'd chosen of course).