Boyfriend says I'm controlling

[DrivingMissNuts]

NC for this but frequent poster.

My Bf of 8 months is accusing me of being controlling yet gets me to choose everything and make all the decisions. I don't get it. I would love for him to decide where we go on nights out or days out or what we have for dinner sometimes (I'd like him to cook for once too!) etc but he refuses to choose and says I have to. He point blank refuses despite me saying I'd like him to make some decisions. Then makes sarky comments about me being controlling. I'm not sure if he's worried he'll choose "wrong" and thinks I'll be annoyed but I've done everything I can to encourage him to take charge of things sometimes and am happy to do pretty much anything as happy being out with him wherever and he knows this. Is it so wrong of me to want him to make some decisions and is it wrong of me to be upset at being called controlling. He doesn't see my problem.

No I don't live with him.
Still no clearer on the door and mouth disease! Am I being called a mad cow??

Foot! Not door, that should say

You know this is a no brainer. He’s a waste of your time and if you choose to stay with him you will have chosen all this shit.

OP, my XH did this to me. He could not make a decision to save his life, was happy to let me arrange everything. I always asked him if he wanted to do things, he said yes. Then when he walked out he said that I controlled his entire life...... (when he met OW).

It was left to me to buy all presents, arrange all family gatherings, arrange holidays. He did nothing.

He would also do a grand gesture, but include something quite daft, so then I was “ungrateful” when I pointed out an obvious flaw in his plan. So always making himself the victim and me unreasonable.

Just end it now OP, it will not get any better. If he thinks you’re controlling why would he want to be with you.

Find yourself an equal not a manchild.

Balloon totally get you on the presents thing. Mine would keep asking me what he should get his daughter (6) and his mum. Same for birthdays. "Come on, I need ideas for so and so" and he kept asking. I spent ages trying to think of things and in the end realised it wasn't my problem. He got me and his mum to wrap all the kids presents too because he's crap at it he said. I don't think he's capable of making decisions sometimes.

I'm knocking on for 30 years down the path you're on.

Get the hell out...NOW.

Doing all the thinking, making all the decisions all of the time wears you down eventually.

Couple it with a partners every growing resentment, you having to be looky-looky-watchy-watchy 24/7 keeping an eye out for the pitfalls in any plan and you taking all the blame when shit goes wrong, makes for a miserable existence.

In my experience some people who refuse to make decisions are like that because they cannot abide to take blame when things go wrong. People who have an almost pathological fear of being blamed also cannot stand to be wrong about anything, even little piddling insignificant shit, so a life of arguments also comes with the territory.

Alarm bells ringing after reading your posts. A couple of times I've been upset with him for things and he's told me I'm being over sensitive, silly, or told me he didn't actually say what he did. If I show him the messages he claims I've taken it the wrong way. Pretty sure there's only one way to take "you could probably do with losing 10kgs like me" wtf?!

The more you say, the more I say 'get rid'. He sounds vile. Do you get any joy from this relationship at all? Can you see it changing?

He sounds like a psychologically abusive prick. Get out before he wastes another second of your precious time.

I do really enjoy being with him as we go out a lot doing things that I love (because it's always me that has to choose!). He's very affectionate and caring and makes me laugh. But after ready these posts and thinking about things I can see the self esteem issues, the inability to deal with blame (conversations about his ex wife show this), the way he makes out nothing is his fault, he plays the victim. It's very worrying.

Sorry op, but at 8 months in things should be great, what you are saying definitely veers into unhealthy relationship territory. Probably better for things to end now than continuing down that road until you are more unhappy but it is harder to leave.

I loved my XH and you put up with/deal with these things when married, but now, it’s a total nightmare dealing with DC contact. . He will say “I presume you did this” , but when I say later “you accused me of doing this” he says that’s not what he said/meant!

He can’t take any criticism or blame, nothing is ever his fault.

Get out now, seriously. I could never live with a man like it again. It will drag you down as time goes by.

Does he listen to things you tell him or do you have to remind him several times?

Men like this are masters of mixed signals. You may very well have a lot of fun together but he is also doing and saying things to subtly undermine you and your self esteem. It can be very insidious but ultimately it is designed to make you feel so inadequate that you never leave them for fear nobody else will want you.

It’s happened to me. Eventually I got out and am now happily married with a child to a man who does absolutely none of that shit.

don't know if I would bother with this relationship anymore tbh seems like it's getting you down

He sounds like an absolute arse.

Lovehak he is getting me down. I really spoil him when he comes over, cooking nice meals (from scratch as can't have any store bought sauces), buying treats for dessert/snacks, nice things to drink. I'm always up about 1-2 hours before he is as my LO gets up around 6.30 so I take him tea and toast and wake him around 8/8.30. If he leaves clothes here I will happily wash them along with the rest of the dirty washing as what's a shirt and some socks in addition to 4 other peoples washing? He stays here when he's got work meetings nearer my neck of the woods even though I've said I prefer him not to stay during the week as my children are here and his snoring means I end up on the settee.
I've been too good to him.

You might as well get a dog. The dog won't make any decisions, will go wherever you arrange to go and will give you love and affection.

On a previous post you said I give up That is exactly the right attitude. This is the time to give up wishing her weren't a manchild looking for a mummy but with sex.

Just read you last post. Jeez he's walking all over you. He really isn't a grown up is he? Seems to give zero fucks about your wants, your time, your needs. How nice would he be if you stopped being the mummy and his PA?

RunRabbit I feel quite sick reading your comment. He treats his mum like a wife and has her doing his ex's jobs (like arranging all sorts of stuff if he's away on business, getting her to get and wrap his kids presents from him, do his cleaning whilst he's away and she's looking after the kids).

"He treats his mum like a wife"

He doesn't, you know. He treats his mum like an au pair/PA.

You realise that if you stay in this relationship long term he’ll expect you to do all the stuff his Mum does?

Op, do you REALLY have to keep questioning this relationship? He is a useless mummy's boy, he's taking total advantage of you, and he's a manchild to boot. Is there really anything else to think about? Get rid of him.

He seems to think a woman's place is doing his boring shit for him for free. No wonder he's divorced.

He seems adept at surrounding himself with women who will be his servant. Well, his exW gave that up eventually.

Here's a thing I don't understand. You wrote He stays here when he's got work meetings nearer my neck of the woods even though I've said I prefer him not to stay during the week as my children are here and his snoring means I end up on the settee.

You told him not to come over and he did anyway. Why didn't you feel it was OK to remind him that he's not to stay during the week and tell him to go home?

Also, he snored so you moved out of your own bed and onto the sofa. Why didn't you wake him and tell him to get to the sofa?

Are you afraid of saying no to him?

The more you post the worse he sounds. He uses his mother as a unpaid assistant. He buys you chocolates he knows you can't eat. He picks out a restaurant you can't eat in without being in considerable pain afterwards and he would be pissed off if you were then not up for sex And he calls you controlling! He is looking for a replacement for his mother with sex thrown in, don't be that poor sucker. Ltb. ASAP.

Why the fuck did you let him stay when you didn't want him to? All this cooking and washing you're doing, does he appreciate it? Damn right he's affectionate and caring, he's got you right where he wants you, doesn't want to lose the gravy train. If you don't want him to walk all over you then stop acting like a doormat.