Boyfriend says I'm controlling

[DrivingMissNuts]

NC for this but frequent poster.

My Bf of 8 months is accusing me of being controlling yet gets me to choose everything and make all the decisions. I don't get it. I would love for him to decide where we go on nights out or days out or what we have for dinner sometimes (I'd like him to cook for once too!) etc but he refuses to choose and says I have to. He point blank refuses despite me saying I'd like him to make some decisions. Then makes sarky comments about me being controlling. I'm not sure if he's worried he'll choose "wrong" and thinks I'll be annoyed but I've done everything I can to encourage him to take charge of things sometimes and am happy to do pretty much anything as happy being out with him wherever and he knows this. Is it so wrong of me to want him to make some decisions and is it wrong of me to be upset at being called controlling. He doesn't see my problem.

I didn't feel I could say no because it cut an hour off his journey and would have seemed churlish to say no when it was helping him so much. He does appreciate everything I do to help him.

Doesn’t sound as if he makes you very happy. And he sounds both lazy and selfish. But once in a while he says, ‘Thanks, babe, you’re great.’

Wouldn’t work for me I’m afraid. Is this what you want in the long term?

I'd bet he doesn't buy you chocolates you can't eat - I'd bet his mum buys them.

Not listening to you or considering your needs is being appreciative? If you don't want advice and refuse to listen to people who have been-there-done-that, that's your prerogative. But you will pay a very heavy price and be stuck in a relationship that benefits only him. If you want to live as his personal doormat, it doesn't matter what any of us say. I hope you enjoy getting moaned at for not wanting sex and then sleeping on your couch in your own home. Please wake up and find a better life for you and your children.

Do you really think it's that bad? Gaslighting? Really? We have some great times together and I really like him. I admit he has he bad points but don't we all?

I don't think the OP is ignoring advice. It can be that if you haven't met people/men like this before, it can take time to process exactly what it is that you are seeing before your own eyes and realise what it means. I am sure she will get there. It all so easy in hindsight or from aonther person's perspective.

Missnuts you are defintitely much, much nicer than he deserves.

And the thing about him insisting on staying over when you don't want him to is just awful. He is openly using (and abusing) you

His behaviour is lazy, selfish, gaslighting and bullying and will only get worse as you end up doing everything his mum does and more, and it willalways be your fault. Please keep yourself and your kids safe.

Oops. X post with OP.

His behaviour is really worrying OP. He isn't even sorry and doesn't accept your point of view on anything so he isn't planning on changing.

Ask yourself how much longer you want to put up with this behaviour... you are in a lose-lose situation.

Wow. I really expected to be told I was unreasonable.

So he’s getting sex, maid service, a PA and free convenient board and lodgings.

And you are getting your requests disregarded, your dietary needs ignored, to skivvy for him and called names to boot?

Right then. . Sounds like a prince.

A good relationship enhances your life, makes you happy and glad that you're with that person.

Your relationship doesn't sound like that. You have so many questions, so much confusion. It really shouldn't be like that. Even the most hideous abuser is nice sometimes. That's how they reel you in. You'll end up permanently feeling like a kicked puppy. Constantly wondering what you're doing wrong and what you can do to make it right. Because the few times you get it right he's lovely to be with and you want him to be like that all the time. But no matter what you do it's never right, there's always something to put you on the back foot.

This is not a relationship that's making you happy.

What’s his mother like. Think on ma friend......

Lord - he's hard work now. He's only going to get worse. Why are you with him?

His mum is lovely. As is his dad and his wider family. Thinking about it though she seems a bit uneasy around him. Nervous almost. His dad stays out of the way I've noticed except to say hello and goodbye.

You aren't happy or you wouldn't have come here and asked the question. This is 8 months into the relationship. Could you imagine living with him? You'd be doing everything for him, making all the decisions all the time, compromising your own (and your kids') happiness to appease this selfish man and it wouldn't be as easy to get rid.

I've been sooo holding off posting on your thread OP, but I will now.
I've been in your shoes, in my marriage.
I had to make the decisions on everything - he couldn't even phone in an order for takeaway.
We went on a villa holiday once, and were told we couldn't have the accommodation I booked. We ended up in a lovely villa, but you could see planes in the distance from the local airport. For him, it was unacceptable and my fault. Everything that went (in his view) slightly wrong was because I'd chosen it.
It's no surprise I'm divorced now - for that and other reasons too.
Looking back, it was a huge red flag for times to come.
People who won't make decisions and then blame you are basically gaslighting you, and crucially won't take responsibility for anything. 'Cos they didn't choose.
I know what I think about that now.... I wish I did then.

Mineof Christ, my stbexh couldn't order a take away either and waltzed off a few years ago to OW saying I'd been controlling the whole marriage. He used to sabotage my study days by hiding the laptop, took the SIM card out of my phone and was a nasty piece of work. The OW is welcome to him.

Thank you everyone. I've got some thinking to do as have 3 kids who really like my BF and we do have lots of good times together. I'd asked on MN previously if he was gaslighting me and had been told that it wasn't gaslighting so am surprised by the strong responses on here today. I appreciate the advice, thank you.

Driving start standing up for yourself and your boundaries and doing less favours for him and see what happens.

Does he know your exH called you controlling? Because if he does and then used the same term, that would worry me.

Pink yes he does know, why?

So he knows that your emotionally abusive exH, who made you miserable and cheated on you called you “controlling” and only eight months in is using the exact same word to criticise you.

You must see how manipulative this is!

It’s deliberately designed to damage your self esteem, to disaparge you, to make you feel at fault.

BalloonSlayer

Sorry I meant to add that in my view "controlling" is a word that lazy people use when people call them on their laziness. eg
"Why haven't you done the washing up? You said you'd do it yesterday, and it's starting to smell."
"I was about to do it. You're so controlling!"

This!!!

It sounds like a lot of hassle and if you truly believe he deliberately chose a restaurant and cuisine you can't eat...then why are you still with him?

Because if that's true...then I'd call him a very wicked man... to choose food you can't eat.

The interpretation that puts him in the least bad light is passivity. Would not recommend.

Passive aggressive and gaslighting. And you're not controlling, he's making it seem like you are and it looks like "she makes all the decisions/I chose a place once and it wasn't good enough/poor me"
I've had two ex's who did the exact same.

You worried about sounding churlish for acting in your own interests, with plenty of warning. Oh dear.

You can say no with a laugh "no chance! I told you before. I can't take your snoring on a school night. See you on Saturday."

Stop planning everything. Tell him to plan the next few things because you are bored of doing all the planning and thinking. See what happens. I predict you will see just how "nice" he is when he has to actually do something. He won't, he'll whine, he'll pester, he'll deliberately fail.

Runrabbit that's exactly what he did when I asked him to choose something one day. In the end I suggested we just stay in and so he was whining and saying that everything he suggests isn't right (he picked something totally unsuitable for the weather, the time we had and we hadn't the necessary things to do it). So he spent all day slightly sulky once we actually did something that I suggested that WAS possible. Again he said I needed to plan things because I know places better than him etc. He's got the internet, he can figure things out surely?? He says things shouldn't be this much hard work in a relationship