Boyfriend says I'm controlling

[DrivingMissNuts]

NC for this but frequent poster.

My Bf of 8 months is accusing me of being controlling yet gets me to choose everything and make all the decisions. I don't get it. I would love for him to decide where we go on nights out or days out or what we have for dinner sometimes (I'd like him to cook for once too!) etc but he refuses to choose and says I have to. He point blank refuses despite me saying I'd like him to make some decisions. Then makes sarky comments about me being controlling. I'm not sure if he's worried he'll choose "wrong" and thinks I'll be annoyed but I've done everything I can to encourage him to take charge of things sometimes and am happy to do pretty much anything as happy being out with him wherever and he knows this. Is it so wrong of me to want him to make some decisions and is it wrong of me to be upset at being called controlling. He doesn't see my problem.

But I agree he could cook sometimes and you could discuss suitable recipes beforehand. I don't think you can expect him to be an expert on your diet.

Urgh I had an ex like this (only lasted about 2 months and we r still friends). I cannot be bothered "choosing" all the time.

I used to feel like he would make me choose to make me happy but it frustrated me as I wanted his personality to come out and come up with new things we could try.
On a side note he also used to slag off pretty girls walking past, it got to the point I had to stop him and tell him that my self confidence wasn't so low that I required this from him. (Poor girls!)

Could u both maybe make a list seprately and put them together so the things u r doing u have both suggested?
It's good to sort things out early on as it looks as though it's already causing resentment.

I agree with pp about being compatible though. This is a minor issue and if he's taking a back seat then resenting u instead of talking to u it may not be a good idea to continue the relationship as he may do this with "bigger" issues.

Try discussing it first, u will know deep down whether he's right for u or not.

One year I was so exhausted with buying and organising Christmas presents for everyone in the whole family I had a right go at DH about it.

He informed me that he would have bought Christmas presents for his side of the family but I had stepped in and taken over because I was "controlling." This was about 3 days before Christmas and I had stepped in because he had done nothing. The "controlling" comment made me cry because I worried it might be true. I thought that you just can't leave all your Christmas shopping to 3 days before, especially when you are buying for lovely people who spend a lot of money and effort on us [his family], but maybe it was controlling not to have left it to him to sort and he would have had it all under control if I hadn't interfered.

So I felt pretty chastened. Then on Christmas Eve he came home looking a bit crestfallen. His new secretary (whom I had never met) had given him a Christmas present and he'd got nothing for her. So the ONE present he had to organise by himself . . . he hadn't.

Controlling my arse. He is lazy and disorganised where Christmas is concerned (not in other ways, thankfully). If he ever dares call me controlling over Christmas present buying again he will get both barrels.

Sorry I meant to add that in my view "controlling" is a word that lazy people use when people call them on their laziness.

eg

"Why haven't you done the washing up? You said you'd do it yesterday, and it's starting to smell."

"I was about to do it. You're so controlling!"

He is accusing you of being controlling because it makes it seem like your fault when he doesn’t make the effort.

Run away.

balloonslayer exactly. or "bossy" "nagging" when they do thing only on their time/never.or not at all then when you ask.or heaven forbid have to ask again your in the wrong.the real insults come when you get sick of waiting and do it yourself and then the big guns come out.

He is a passive-aggressive, gaslighting manchild. Please stop wasting your life on him.

If she’s Coeliac and he took her to a pasta or pizza joint - then yeah there’s going to be a problem.

He’s a complete waste of your time OP - raise your standards and move on.

“A girlfriend can't be controlling, he must be a dickheadl”

Of course a girlfriend can be controlling. On the evidence available, this one isn’t.

i have food intolerances so my oh deferrs all food related stuff to me, insists on me choosing restaurant or what we are cooking etc etc. he doesnt care about that stuff as much as i do anyway (food is fuel etc)

he is proactive in other ways though.

everyone saying that he is being deliberately dickish are being rather harsh.

He tried to book somewhere and failed, got told off etc and now surprise surprise he doesn't want to try again. Yes he should remember your specific issues but is it really any different to the menfolk forgetting birthdays or tp clean up after themselves or any other culturally ingrained lazyness and thoughtlessness for which we see lots of on mn??

i think you are attributing machiavellianism where there is none.

that being said, he shouldn't call you controlling for challenging him on his complacency. i assume him commenting on your flaws he wouldn't consider in the same way?

This could be me and DH, only the other way round. He makes a lot of decisions, where we'll go, who and what we're seeing, because frankly I just wouldn't go. I prefer lying on the sofa and reading a book or something. I'm not lazy, I just don't need to go out/ do stuff with our people as often.
You could stand back and see what happens. If you don't cook will he eventually do so? If you don't organize any nights out would he start doing so? Or you could take this as just being too incompatible and leave. You need someone with a bit more energy and initiative!

He KNOWS what I can't eat and also knows what I tend to choose when out so it's not like it's complicated. He chose s cuisine he knows I never eat because I don't like it that much plus it's based on foods I can't eat. I was so excited that he'd organised something and then when I saw the menu my heart sank. If I'd have eaten there I would have been in a great deal of pain all night and then he'd be pissed off I wasn't up for sex. Can't win.
We have a list of places we both want to visit etc but he still refuses to choose one. I give up now. If I didn't choose we wouldn't do much I don't think and be stuck in watching tv which is bizarrely always his choice. He says I can put on whatever I want but when I have done that he's refused to watch it I give up.

Yes give up and get rid, find someone worth your time.

Don't worry, MissNuts, most of us get what you're saying. Also, since you've been together 8 months, he would have had 6 months before Valentines Day to (a) stonewall you on making every other decision, (b) getting to know what your diet can cope with (or, more to the point, can't).

So, nay-sayers, this may well be the first decision he's made (and it freaking well shouldn't have been, of course), but it wasn't for lack of knowledge or experience.

Which is why those of us who have read what you said and don't have an anti-woman agenda can see that he's not some well-meaning feckless sweetie who's being trash-talked by a nest of vipers. We dig that, yes, he knew exactly what he was doing there.

The thing about the television and being too sick to have sex on Valentine's day is chilling, as well, btw.

At 8 months things should be lots of fun and easy. It is when partners are trying their best to be as likeable as possible. If there are problems this early, no matter what they are, then forget the relationship.

Basically if you think he doesn't care enough about you to avoid restaurants where you cannot or will not eat the food then you are wasting your time with him.

He's fucking with your mind. He gets off on these little control and power games. That's the person he is.

Run for the hills. Of, if you don't, take responsibility for your choice and walk into it with your eyes open.

Get rid. He sounds awful. 8 months in you should still be in the 'honeymoon' period.

In my eyes he deliberately chose something unsuitable to make me look ungrateful.

If you really believe this ^^ OP and he really believes you are controlling what more is there to say?

You aren’t compatible or going to make each other happy. Cut your losses now.

You’re not compatible.

Urgh, bin him. It's horrible being with someone who won't make decisions. And accuses you being something you aren't. Life's too short

You're not living together I hope OP?

Annie what's FMD?

Foot and Mouth Disease

At 8 months it still should be easy, the controlling part is actually less relevant as your compatibility. It can be easy to be controlling when with someone who overly passive. It cannot be solved unless both parties communicate or you call it a day.