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Original poster

Boyfriend says I'm controlling

153 replies

DrivingMissNuts · 21/04/2018 10:21

NC for this but frequent poster.

My Bf of 8 months is accusing me of being controlling yet gets me to choose everything and make all the decisions. I don't get it. I would love for him to decide where we go on nights out or days out or what we have for dinner sometimes (I'd like him to cook for once too!) etc but he refuses to choose and says I have to. He point blank refuses despite me saying I'd like him to make some decisions. Then makes sarky comments about me being controlling. I'm not sure if he's worried he'll choose "wrong" and thinks I'll be annoyed but I've done everything I can to encourage him to take charge of things sometimes and am happy to do pretty much anything as happy being out with him wherever and he knows this. Is it so wrong of me to want him to make some decisions and is it wrong of me to be upset at being called controlling. He doesn't see my problem.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/04/2018 09:09

He is right that things shouldn't be so hard.

Of course he means that it is hard if he has to do anything so you must do everything. Even his thinking.

Doesn't it make you despise him? It would dry up all my lady parts.

Mind you, I find being a parent exhausting. I couldn't be doing with mothering a boyfriend too. I'd feel constantly on the edge.

SandyY2K · 22/04/2018 09:11

He says things shouldn't be this much hard work in a relationship

I agree with him.

You can't change him. He can't change you. Accept each other as you are or go your separate ways.

Duckswaddle · 22/04/2018 09:39

He's right, it shouldn't be this much hard work. Just get rid, I'm tired just reading about it - who needs such hassle?

numptynuts · 22/04/2018 10:10

It will get worse OP.

Allmyshilldren · 22/04/2018 10:22

He needs to go. Not only is this damaging for you, if you stay you are showing your children by example that women should do everything for the man while he sits back and enjoys himself or belittles her. It’s a terrible message for both boys and girls.

MismatchedStripySocks · 22/04/2018 10:36

Gosh that’s annoying OP! Think it may be time to ditch him and move on.

PinkCalluna · 22/04/2018 12:54

He says things shouldn't be this much hard work in a relationship

He means for him.

He’s already got you doing all the hard work, planning, organising, washing his clothes and wrapping his kids’ presents.

8 months in it should be easy and fun. It’s not though is it?

SomethingOnce · 22/04/2018 13:12

Refusing ever to choose, decide, lead, organise, take charge, is incredibly wearing on the other person. It’s death by a thousand cuts.

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 22/04/2018 15:00

I had a good think last night and have finished with him. He's not impressed and thinks I'm being ridiculous and denies that anything is a problem. What a surprise! However he accepts my decision and hasn't tried to change my mind.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 22/04/2018 15:02

Good for you. Of course he's not going to say there was any problem - if he did he might have to accept a portion of blame and that wouldn't do would it?

SomethingOnce · 22/04/2018 15:04

However he accepts my decision and hasn't tried to change my mind.

Naturellement.

Weezol · 22/04/2018 15:07

Good work Driving Brew

Of course he's not impressed, he's going to have to go through the rigmarole of finding another cook/cleaner/laundrymaid/PA.

Juells · 22/04/2018 15:18

Wow, that was a fast decision.

Allmyshilldren · 22/04/2018 15:18

Well done. I know it’s not easy but it sounds like the right decision to me. There will be someone out there for you who will worship the ground you walk on Flowers

Ellendegeneres · 22/04/2018 15:19

Good for you op- just think of all the relaxing you can do while not being worried about being ‘controlling’ while you make decisions

What a twat he was- his loss. Don’t be tempted to revisit, please! It’ll only damage your self esteem

Allmyshilldren · 22/04/2018 15:20

Juells it is quite obvious that the OP has spent quite a bit of time thinking about this already and has even had another thread previously about this loser. It sounds like a long time coming to me.

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 22/04/2018 15:35

juells everyone has been telling me the save thing so wasn't a hard decision to make. I've thought about it a great deal since starting this thread.

I'll be honest, I expected him to try and change my mind. I wouldn't have but now I feel like he didn't give a shit Sad

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 22/04/2018 15:42

Tells you everything you need to know.

Don’t look back.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 15:53

I'll be honest, I expected him to try and change my mind. I wouldn't have but now I feel like he didn't give a shit

That wasn't the only thing he's done that gives that impression.

Well done, you've made a good decision. May I recommend being single for a while and maybe reading up about boundaries?

Juells · 22/04/2018 16:05

It does sound like you've been conditioned to go for the same type, doesn't it? Blokes who cop out of decisions, then accuse you of being controlling while leeching off your energy. Maybe give yourself some breathing space now, and watch out for the signs next time.

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 22/04/2018 16:28

Oh yeah, and he said none of this was his fault. It's my doing that we've split up and was my choice, not his Angry

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/04/2018 16:31

You're well rid OP!

Motoko · 22/04/2018 16:35

As you've had an abusive ex, and this one looked like it was heading the same way (I agree with the pp who said about him using the word "controlling" when he knew your ex had accused you of that. That was a massive red flag) I think it might be a good idea to have a look at the Freedom Programme. From what I've heard about it, it will help you with spotting potentially abusive relationships.

I only saw this thread today, so was very glad when I got to the end of the thread to read that you've ended the relationship, as my advice was going to be to end it.

The thing to remember about abusers, is that they are not always abusive. They make sure that they're nice in the beginning, to reel you in, and then at times during the relationship, to make you think that they are really nice underneath, so you end up making excuses for their behaviour, "Oh, he's been having a tough time at work" etc, or you start thinking that you are the one being unreasonable.

Well done for ending it.

timeisnotaline · 22/04/2018 17:18

Good work op. If he wants you to own getting rid of a waste of space that’s fine, own it!

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 22/04/2018 18:18

Motoko I was always questioning whether it was nevthat was the problem as he was seemingly so nice. It's only as I've unpicked things that I've seen him for what he actually is.

OP posts:
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