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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why some children are so LOUD?

136 replies

AjasLipstick · 21/04/2018 06:15

Just pondering. A friend of my DD's...well it's actually a friend of DH's daughter who we know from the odd social occasion...she's 8 almost 9 but DD never wants to accept invitations to play with her because the child is so LOUD all the time.

She shouts, shrieks....yells. Constantly craving attention and to do "Crazy" things.

She's a perfectly bright child...seems advanced in art and is more or less polite ...I don't know of any special needs at all....and her parents are big sharers...but she's almost unbearable after about 20 minutes due to the sheer level of noise she makes.

I had a word with myself at the last event we were at with this family because she was so pushy for the attention of all the adults that I thought "God why don't her Mum and Dad tell her to be quiet?" and I thought "Would I feel like this if she were a boy?"

And then I realised that YES...I would feel the same. It's nothing to do with me expecting girls to be gentle and quiet....neither of my girls are particularly soft and gentle but they don't break my eardrums either!

OP posts:

MollyDaydream · 21/04/2018 11:06

My loud child also had hearing loss for his first 5 years so maybe that explains it a bit. Though he hears OK now and is still bloody loud.

CheeseyToast · 21/04/2018 11:10

I love all the posters stating with great confidence that the loud child they so detest "has no SN". Because you'd know.. Here's the thing, SN children don't wear labels.

Woshambo · 21/04/2018 11:12

Crapping myself for this. My OH if very loud he shouts instead of talks and I'm constantly reminding him to tone it down as it genuinely hurts my ears at certain volumes. If my child takes after him I fear I'll be walking around with ear plugs in 24/7.
On the flip side people tell me I talk too quiet and I get frustrated repeating myself so I think it may be me and not them lol

Shedmicehugh1 · 21/04/2018 11:12

Agree a bit of tolerance goes a long way.

swingofthings · 21/04/2018 11:13

I don't see what difference it makes if a child as SN. It's not the fault of the kids they are loud but that their parents don't pick them up on it. A child with SN can still be told that they are loud and asked to be quieter. They might not be, but it does make me feel a bit better if a child screams but their parents try to deal with it rather than just totally ignore it because 'well, they have SN, what do you expect'.

MargaretCavendish · 21/04/2018 11:17

Unfortunately, it is very much a British thing. Most other European parents will tell their children off for being loud. It is considered one of those social skills you learn as a kid along with other respectful actions, but somehow not here because kids rule the world and adults should adapt to them at risk otherwise to traumatise them with anxiety.

Ah, I see you've conducted extensive comparative research across all 44 European nations? Or did you just make up some random bullshit? I've spent a lot of time in Southern Italy and, despite what everyone insists on Mumsnet from that-one-time-they-went-to-France-and-there-was-a-wellbehaved-toddler-in-one-restaurant, children there are generally encouraged to be both louder and less controlled in the UK. I'm sure in other European countries that I don't know so well it's different. Because it's incredibly stupid to generalise across a continent.

Digestivescusturds · 21/04/2018 11:18

This isn’t quite the same but I know a little girl who’s VERY loud and is always talking. Her mum just tells her to sit down and be quiet or ignores her completely, I have a feeling she may act like this because of the lack of attention she gets at home. But some kids are simply loud and don’t know they’re doing it. I don’t think any of my kids understand what an inside voice is or at least they don’t want to use one no matter how much I tell them

RoseWhiteTips · 21/04/2018 11:19

OP, the loud child’s parents should be teaching her how to behave around other people. Everyone finds children like that very annoying. No excuses.

Shedmicehugh1 · 21/04/2018 11:20

Children with disabilities might not know they are talking loudly or understand why talking in a loud voice is not the ‘norm’.

Their parents might well be practicing strategies with them!

RoseWhiteTips · 21/04/2018 11:21

And no matter how people may say children in Europe are the same, they are not. I have been struck by the contrast and often remark on it to OH.

RoseWhiteTips · 21/04/2018 11:21

...how many people

RoseWhiteTips · 21/04/2018 11:23

To be clear, most of us are not referencing children with disabilities. Obv🙄

Batteriesallgone · 21/04/2018 11:27

I struggle to control the volume of my voice. Really struggle. Particularly in the six months or so after each pregnancy wierdly enough, every time I spoke was like that Austin Powers sketch about the unfreezing process.

I’m currently researching autism and auditory processing disorder. I believe I have both.

How anyone can confidently assert a child has no SEN when some of us spend our whole childhood misunderstood and castigated for things we have little control over, but still don’t get a diagnosis, is beyond me.

Thishatisnotmine · 21/04/2018 11:31

Dh is a normal volume, I am very quiet, dd1 is normal for three - can be loud can be quiet, can moderate her volume for the situation. Dd2 is deafeningly loud. From the moment she was born. Her cries have made my ears ring, she is nearly one and babbles loud, coughs loud, shouts loud. Loud.

Shedmicehugh1 · 21/04/2018 11:34

“Rosewhite To be clear, most of us are not referencing children with disabilities. Obv🙄”

How would you know the children being referenced don’t have disabilities?

HildaZelda · 21/04/2018 11:38

The fine weather has brought all the children in the neighbourhood out (ranging in age from about 3 -12) The majority of them are fine. You hear the odd scream or shout, but that's just kids being kids. There are two however (a brother and sister 6 and 4) who are pissing off the entire street. It's literally constantly screeching and shouting, and running around screaming.

SilverOnToast · 21/04/2018 11:40

But where in Europe RoseWhiteTips? I’ve taught in several European countries and each place it is different so a generalised “European” stereotype is hard to picture. I lived for a while in Italy and they are certainly not quieter there.

And it’s harder to compare like with like because the cultural expectations for eating out etc are different in different countries.

steppemum · 21/04/2018 11:54

My friend's son has SEN, and he was very loud, she has gently and firmly over the years taight him about how to use a quiet voice. He is now able to most of the time.
Of course sometimes he gets over excited and gets loud again, which is fine.
He has also been taught not to interrupt, but to wait for a pause. Now that is VERY hard, for him, but he has learnt it, and also to say excuse me and all sorts of things.

He is a lovely boy. Her take on it is that he has enough obstacles interacting with people, without adding intrusive bad manners to them.

Honestly, if he can learn it, then all NT kids can. There is a time and a place - loud and shrieking in the park? to me that's fine. Loud and shreiking in a cafe? No. teach them to behave.

Mouse28 · 21/04/2018 11:59

This child's parents just smile fondly at her and I can see other adults and even other kids are strained by the noise she makes.

Generally speaking it's not this or any other family's responsibility to make you feel comfortable or at ease. Hopefully you are able to find some real life support to get over the stress of being around noisy children and find some reliable coping mechanisms to help you with situations where you feel overwhelmed. .

MollyDaydream · 21/04/2018 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bobstersmum · 21/04/2018 12:09

I find it strange when people who have kids, are so annoyed by other kids. I'd rather meet a loud happy kid than a quiet one who's too worried about upsetting adults to have fun.

Batteriesallgone · 21/04/2018 12:10

An Italian friend of mine once said that Italian children can be very good at being quiet because they are generally allowed to be loud. British children are expected to be quiet all the time, and when they can’t cope with that they just end up being crap at self control. When expectations are too high it’s easier not to meet them, that kind of thing. Don’t know if there’s truth in it but seeing as we’re contributing our sweeping ‘European’ assertions...

TheGrimSqueaker · 21/04/2018 12:18

One of mine has speech and sensory difficulties and just can either do clear speech or quiet incomprehensibility - so fuck off if you're wanting to judge that child or me.

GingerIvy · 21/04/2018 12:25

Out of my 3 children, 2 are loud. Both boys with ASD and sensory problems. They speak louder because they can hear every little sound around them at full volume. All. The. Time. I do encourage them to use the indoor voice and shush them sometimes, but too much pressure over it and they fall apart - then it's a meltdown which is much louder.

Sometimes people need to just back off. Lovely woman on the bus the other day that said to people around us (when my 8yo shouted and people were grumbling) "He's not hurting anyone, give him a chance to calm down.." and then chatted calmly with me.

JustaLittlePrick · 21/04/2018 12:27

We explain to him that we only shout outside and in soft play

Um, any chance you could tell him we only shout in the privacy of our own home instead?

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