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Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 21/04/2018 12:20

If she wasn't so controlling I wouldn't mind but she has a way of telling you to do something that you can't say no to, at least I can't. Even when you do say no she'll go on and on until you change your plans.

This sounds like the core of the issue here. If MIL goes on and on and on she knows you will cave in and do what she wants. I'd not even engage. Don't answer her calls or her texts. If your DH wants to meet up with her, then he can go by himself. Just simply leave the apartment / hotel and get on with what you and the kids want to do. If she comes over and you want to eat out, just leave at dinner time. They can stay in if they want. Your DH won't change but your reaction to MIL's behaviour is something you can control.

Good luck!

Tinkobell · 21/04/2018 12:22

I think the other line that could be taken, and I know it's really mischievous,but might be to say that you've been experiencing a bit of tough time together recently (so few holidays, leisure time, just time to talk ) and you really feel that as a couple you could just do with a week or so together ....albeit with DC. So a bit of space this time would be great to ease the current strain.
Perhaps, when we return we could get together for a lunch and share photos etc.
I don't think any MIL would want to be blamed for causing marital rows.

happypoobum · 21/04/2018 12:36

You have a DH problem but I suspect you know that.

Can you move further away from her? DH has clearly been trained to tell her every little detail of his life, he is not allowed to have boundaries.

Honestly I could not live like this in someone elses pocket, but with regards to the holiday, either DH (not you) tells her she is not welcome (and not because YOU don't want her) or you will have to spend money changing the booking and not telling DH where you are going. Or LTB. Flowers

CherieBabySpliffUp · 21/04/2018 12:44

If your DH doesn't feel he can stand up to his DM then he can be the one who spends time with her while you relax.

BewareOfDragons · 21/04/2018 12:52

I think I would have insisted on a move far, far away the minute I found out MIL thought she had a right to name my child. That's just shocking.

Your DH obviously can't be a grown up with his mummy. Tell her flat out you won't be seeing her on your family holiday if she wants your family to stay a family.

Juells · 21/04/2018 13:06

I will have to say to MIL when I see her later that we've got a lot of things planned and it's probably best for her to go later in the year and not with us...

That gives her a way in, allows room for her to argue her case. If you're going to do this you need to practise the broken record technique - just keep repeating the same thing over and over again. I was reduced to that finally with my own MiL.

The broken record technique and 'fogging' are explained here. Both very useful when dealing with unreasonable people who just won't take no for an answer.

www.coachingpositiveperformance.com/3-simple-assertiveness-techniques/

Juells · 21/04/2018 13:25

it's probably best for her to go later in the year and not with us...

Meant to point that out in my last post, then forgot. To her, that will sound like "probably, but not definitely, so if I push I'll get my way"

GnotherGnu · 21/04/2018 13:27

You know perfectly well that if you say you have a lot of things planned, she will demand details of each and every one of them and argue endlessly that you don't want to do it, or you could do it another time, or she can come with you. I agree with simply saying none of her proposals work with your holiday plans and keep repeating.

iamawoman · 21/04/2018 13:28

What an awful woman-uf you allow her to go with you be prepared for your holiday to be ruined as she will manipulate you all ao that you end up doing everything she wants, probably you will have huge rows with your husband and your kids will not be happy eithe. You may as well cancel! From what you have said there will be no compromises. This is YOUR ONLY family holiday in 3 years. The woman clearly doesnt give a flying f* about you so why should you lose sleep. Just say no-its your holiday too and you are permitted to say who can and cant come.

sleepseeker99 · 21/04/2018 13:33

My aunt is like this to my dp's. Their solution is to not tell her where they are going or when then turn their mobiles off when they go away.

Is there any way you can change the location and just not tell her? Then turn off your mobiles and enjoy Smile

Flutteringkites · 21/04/2018 13:35

goingatlast I lost a whole day to that thread. But it was totally worth it!

JustSeeingHowManyCharactersWeC · 21/04/2018 13:44

What's that, you didn't realise neither of your mobiles work whilst abroad? Oops...

Flutteringkites · 21/04/2018 13:52

For those who were aghast at the babycenter thread, here is where I got it from: www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/8czib9/my_mil_just_showed_up_on_my_three_week_long/

SelkieUnderLand · 21/04/2018 13:57

She sounds like my mother.

Tell your H he needs to 'sit in the discomfort'. Ie, when he's not pleasing her and he experiences an uncomfortable feeling, and the obvious and time-old ''cure'' to relieve that discomfort is to just please her, instead, SIT with the discomfort. Experience it. Acknowledge it. It will pass. I do this now and I tolerate it, excruciating though it used to be it is not as bad for me now. I'm actually in a phase of this now. My Mother knows I'm giving 3 word replies to her texts. But she knows why although she will NEVER acknowledge it. I can tolerate this feeling because it is the cure for people pleasing. Your husband needs to face up to the fact that he is pleasing his mother to avoid feeling awkward. Man up! FEEEEEL AWKWARD.

BackforGood · 21/04/2018 14:01

With that history, you just have to be clear. Some might see it as blunt, but she has pushed you to that stage.
Just say really clearly - "Obviously you can go and stay with yout relative whenver you want, but, before you confirm anything you need to know that we won't be driving over to where you are staying. Our plans are for a very relaxed holiday doing what we want, when we want, and that will mainly be sunbathing, going to the beach, and the odd waterpark. We will be eating out, and I will be wearing clothes you will no doubt not approve of, therefore it might be less stressful for you if you aren't nearby and then you won't have to be repeatedly told that , no, we aren't making plans to do what you want on any of the preious days we have on our first family holiday in three years. We want to be really clear upfront so you aren't disappointed if you still decided to go for your own break at a similar time to us."

DarthArts · 21/04/2018 14:10

Well if it was me I'd be online right now and re-booking elsewhere for myself and the kids.

Then when you all go the airport is hand DH his passport and tell him to have a nice holiday with Mummy and leave to check in to an alternate flight at a destination at least 500 miles from them.

rookiemere · 21/04/2018 14:14

Ok so it sounds like she hasn't booked her flights yet - so it's still salvageable.

At the minute your DH feels the wrath of his DM is worse than your displeasure, so you and the DCs are being sacrificed for that. You need to make him aware that's the wrong choice. I'd flatly refuse to go if she came as your holiday has already been spoiled - tell him his DM can take your place instead as she so clearly wants to do.

I'd speak to her myself as I wouldn't trust the DH to do the job properly. I'd be nice at first - explain you've been saving for three years, explain that you are planning to go to waterparks and the beach and don't want any other commitments. Nicely won't work, so spell it out that this is a family holiday and it will not work on this occasion ( promise her a future sun £9.50 break to pontins if she's so bloody keen to intrude on your family breaks).

Your DH needs to back you up, and the only way he will do this is if he thinks you're serious about not going if she does, so you need to be firm on this.

Then unfortunately - if she still books - you need to play hardball and follow through.

TammyWhyNot · 21/04/2018 14:15

Your DH has it arse about tit.
What isn’t fair is allowing his mother to impose on your holiday.

“Mum, it’s up to you if you visit Relative, I hope you have a great time. However, we have booked this to spend one week just as a couple with our children and we will not be seeing anyone else or making any arrangements that do not involve us relaxing in the beach with the kids, just as a family. This is important to me and I am relying on you to understand and respect that”.

Honestly, I’m your shoes I would say ‘fine, if your Mum is on holiday with you and the kids I’m not coming ‘. Or ‘fine, I’ll go with the kids, you stay here with your Mum if it is her company that is important’,

He is under his Mum’s thumb, helpless with FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and needs to take a long hard look at the situation and what he is asking of you.

You will not relax or enjoy your hol with her constantly harassing you all week.

Stand up to your DH.

boxyfingo · 21/04/2018 14:16

Is there a cultural reason for her way of behaving? Some of the things you have mentioned remind me of my sister's ILs from Middle Eastern culture. Stuff like getting very involved in choosing baby names and spending a lot of time as a family (including holidays) without checking that it's ok. She really struggles with it but can't change them so goes along with it to a certain extent but also makes plans for herself and BIL and kids. If she wants a holiday or day out she will arrange to go somewhere with absolutely no family connection so that ILs can't hijack her plans so easily! It sounds very suffocating for you.

GoodMorning1 · 21/04/2018 14:40

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread?

LoniceraJaponica · 21/04/2018 15:06

I also wondered that boxyfingo. Most parents don't get that involved in their grandchildren's names.

Lizzie48 · 21/04/2018 15:44

I second GoodMorning1 you would gain a lot of insight from the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board, OP, it's so helpful for those of us who are coping with toxic families. You could also show it to your DH, though it sounds like at the moment he's not ready to accept that his mother is toxic. Thanks

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 15:46

Mediterranean culture, which is in some ways similar to middle eastern so we are generally more involved in children's and parents lives however my MIL takes it a lot further than anyone I know.

Nobody in my family would invite themselves to places or ask so many questions or try to dictate what we do.

To be honest the whole wider family know what she's like and just shrug and say 'well you know what they're like'.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 21/04/2018 15:50

OP you need to do the switcheroo so he is more worried about upsetting you than he is about upsetting his mummy.

Can you book another destination? I would genuinely call and ask the agents advice, being truthful. When I was a travel agent I changed a destination (different resort but same flight) and waived the fee for a client whose PILS thought it would be fabulous to gatecrash her first holiday with her DH and young DC.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 15:51

I've just got back from their home and there was no mention of her going, she was in a mood though and kept saying how nice the weather is here and it'll probably not be as warm where we're going.
I mentioned to her that we have planned a lot for us to do and the DC are excited and she just hmmm'd and steered the conversation to something else.
I think she's gotten the hint and is upset that we've not asked or been excited about her wanting to join so I take it she's decided not to come.
I know I'm a wimp to not have clearly stated that we'd rather she didn't come. i need to grow some balls just as much as DH.

OP posts: