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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
Flutist · 21/04/2018 11:09

Shocking that your DH isn't willing to stand up for his family against his mother. That's a much bigger issue than the holiday and needs to be dealt with.

In your situation I'd tell DH in no uncertain terms that if his mother was going, I and the children would not be, and make him choose: either he tells his mother not to come or there will be no family holiday at all.

RandomMess · 21/04/2018 11:13

Basically you have a DH problem don't you?

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/04/2018 11:18

"For everyone saying her husband needs to do this- it's been made clear that he won't.
That is an issue that needs dealing with and they need to talk about him standing up for his wife and children, and not doing as mummy says all the time.
But they haven't dealt with it, and it will take a bit of work to make him realise his error with those situations.
So, for the sake of the holiday, OP can do it herself, or stand behind her husband while he does nothing.
Then have an awful holiday, end up with frustrated kids, end up resenting her husband and also showing obvious dislike to her MIL. None of that is good or acceptable."

all of this post

As Avasarala says, it will take time for your husband to learn where his priorities should lie, sunseasandfun ... and he does need to learn!

Meantime, for the sake of your holiday, you should change either the date of your holiday (I realise that would mean you rescheduling annual leave with employers and travel company or airline and hotel, but if it were me, I would do everything I possibly could to try) or change the destination.

[then after your MIL has actually boarded her flight to the relative's country, you could text her and say "Silly DH, he made a mistake, we're not coming after all"] Grin

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 11:19

oldbutstillgotit

I've been through that! with out first born the whole family was away when she was born and they hated the name we chose, when they got back MIL said to DH I told you to email us a list of 10 names you like and we would choose one for you!
He said nothing in reply to that and then Fil tried to get us to change the spelling of the name but I said no.

And you're right I do complain and do nothing but honestly I'm already seen as an uptight bitch in the family because I don't spend every waking minute with them and keep them at arms length but the minute I give them an inch they take a mile.
I do spend time with them and enjoy it and I've been on 2 holidays with them years ago and put up with being told what to do and what to eat and what to wear and just went along with it silently to make them happy but i can't do it all the time.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 21/04/2018 11:22

OK, you’ve asked him nicely to tell her, he’s refused. YOU tell her. Don’t ask, don’t hedge, simply say ‘We are going away, just the 4 (you + DH + number of children) of us. We are spending this time together, just the 4 of us. We have saved for this much needed holiday for a long time and want the time together, just the 4 of us. I hope you can respect that’.

End of. If she turns up out there tell DH he has a choice, you or her, for life. Best he chooses carefully.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 21/04/2018 11:24

MIL said to DH I told you to email us a list of 10 names you like and we would choose one for you! He said nothing in reply to that

Holy fuck. I couldn’t live with someone that wet.

justabunchofbunting · 21/04/2018 11:29

YANBU!!! Good luck in standing your ground. Think about which boundaries you will have before you get there ie 'we will meet for dinner on one night only' 'we will do one group activity together then spend rest of time on beach' or whatever ones you want..... and then just do not waver on any of them. Do not reply to any bullshit messages or emotional manipulation. I think its just about having a solid plan about what you will and will not tolerate and just not budging at all.

ificouldwritealettertome · 21/04/2018 11:31

YANBU!!!

I have a bit of this problem too. It's the only issue in our marriage but DH will NOT put me/us first.

I would say that, if she is going no matter what, you just have to do your own thing when you're there and leave your DH to it. "No, me and the kids are staying here. We are are going to x for dinner. Come with us or don't, we don't mind".

If actually minding doesn't get you anywhere then it's the best thing you can do to avoid ruining a holiday

Missingstreetlife · 21/04/2018 11:32

Op you are right, you need to be more difficult, then it will be easier to say no to her. No explanation, don't be rude, just smile and say no

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/04/2018 11:32

"And you're right I do complain and do nothing but honestly I'm already seen as an uptight bitch in the family because I don't spend every waking minute with them and keep them at arms length but the minute I give them an inch they take a mile."

Given how things are, do you care how they see you?

However, they would be less likely to view you this way if you put your foot down a lot more firmly!

Now is your chance.

SeaToSki · 21/04/2018 11:42

I think you need to get DH to clearly see the benefits to standing up to his mother. Maybe a conversation along the lines of

DH, I am surprised you want your mother visiting us on holiday. Its just impossible for me to feel sexy after a day of being nagged at by her, and I was really looking forward to long relaxing evenings with you and lots of holiday sex. Its a pity that is really unlikely to happen with her new plan.

Then go and tell your MIL that you wont be sharing a taxi with her from the airport and wont be seeing her at all etc etc, and when she comes moaning to DH about it all, hopefully he will remember your little chat with him and stand up to her

aprilanne · 21/04/2018 11:47

i cannot believe some people .i go with my son and family on holiday .but then i am relaxed about what we do i just follow what the children want .i could not care less what my dil wears .if i want to do something like go to a castle or whatever off i go .if they want to just go off together with the children away they go and i am always on hand to let them out at night for a nice couple time.
she either fits in or she can bugger off and if she is not in same hotel just ignore her .

BitOfFun · 21/04/2018 11:47

Read QueenOfWands post again and get your husband to understand it. He's being hugely unfair to pander to his mother.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 11:49

The distant relative won't have a choice trust me, MIL will ring her and say I'm coming for the week and that's that.

sorry I'm a bit behind I am trying to read all the replies.

Honestly speaking the way he is has made me lose respect for him after all these years but then I start feeling sorry for him as he's always stuck in the middle, that's MY problem.

I will have to say to MIL when I see her later that we've got a lot of things planned and it's probably best for her to go later in the year and not with us... I'll let you know how she reacts Confused

OP posts:
LavenderDoll · 21/04/2018 11:51

That's bloody awful
Definitely tell her you have stuff planned for each day.
However your DH should be backing you

kateandme · 21/04/2018 11:53

dh or at a push if he wont needs to say. big smile "mil just really worried,wan to make sure you aren't making plans for us this holiday.this being our first and needed holiday together we are just planning on spending good old relaxing time in the sun doing nothing together.missed out on so much time to do that as a family.just getting it in there now so you don't goo booking anything and so you can make your own arrangments with mates relatives etc without us.we very much intend to be loners doing nothing boring people hahahahahahahahaha" and then"ooh got to go the pingers going and I need to get tea on bye now" end convo.done.let it lie.she then does and reacts to it how she pleases.

Ohmydayslove · 21/04/2018 11:55

Fuck me op I don’t know what to say. As a mil myself I can tell you yours sounds hateful.

You do need to sort your dh though

kateandme · 21/04/2018 11:57

just read your reply op.yes make yourself busy to o busy for her is another option.or lie tha tyou are. pretend your worried youll never see her so would she want to do something later in the year etc.
don't play to her wims.she putting everything in their corners and know exactly how to play on your dh loyalty too.
I get y it must annoy he wont say,i also get why he cant bless him.
but if she feigns annoyance and you start to crumble.dont! this Is her way of clawing you back in. but she wont risk losing the dh or time she has with you so in the end this will blow over.because if she risks an arguemtn over this she might lose you guys.what then...who would come off worse...who would lose control!her

BarefootMe · 21/04/2018 11:59

Just wondering how this situation arose. Totally agree with all the other posters, btw, that No Way should you go along with this - its your much needed holiday. But does your DH not stand up to his DM? It sounds as though she has a foothold in your family's decisions that she not have. It is possible he needs to be a lot firmer and a grown up with his mother.

muffyduffster · 21/04/2018 12:01

@sunseasandfun don't forget when saying about the things you have planned that they're things she wouldn't enjoy (and she's previously said she wouldn't), so no point in her wasting her time, as this holiday is for you and the kids, not for her.

pigmcpigface · 21/04/2018 12:01

Say that you are really in need of some private family time, so you won't be available every day, but that you'd love to meet up with her on one day for a long, leisurely lunch. And just keep repeating that. If someone pushes to the point that it feels rude to push back, it's their bad for instigating a situation where boundaries are having to be drawn, not yours for doing the drawing.

I am in the same boat as you. I'm seen as difficult because I don't say "yes" to every boss, every single controlling command down to the minutiae of life. Your issue is with your DH. You need to get onto the same team so that you can support each other. My husband had counselling to help, and it was the best money we have EVER spent, because it transformed him from someone who was basically a subject of bullying to someone who could lead. The change resulted in serious promotion at work, as well as probably saving our marriage.

SukiTheDog · 21/04/2018 12:07

Your DH needs to sort this. Yanbu. I detest people “taking over” my plans. Poor you.

Sorry, haven’t RTFT.

Ohmydayslove · 21/04/2018 12:13

Not sure about suggesting this but could your children not be telling your dh what they want to do on their holiday? Apologies if they are too young may have missed that

Idontdowindows · 21/04/2018 12:18

Explore this rabbit hole!

That was the best rabbit hole EVER and well worth the half an hour I spent reading it.

Oldbutstillgotit · 21/04/2018 12:19

OP I am sorry you had the same name problem. The only reason it didn’t happen with DS was because a sibling had already had a DS so he was named after FIL. I am not minimising what it is like to have such controlling in- laws and a weak DH but the only person who can change this is YOU. Oh and beware MIL working on your DC , mine tried that , undermining me, criticising etc. It was a nightmare.

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