Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 23/04/2018 16:14

OP I think you need to create your own itinerary so:

  • Day 1 - Arrive and settle at hotel, meal out locally
  • Day 2 - explore beach make sandcastles etc.

and get the DCs excited about it. So if DM does still plan on going and wants to meet up you say to DH and the DCs "So today we were meant to be going to the water park. Who wants to get a bus into a town and spend time at a relatives house instead? Just you then DH ?" When he protests or says couldn't we do it another day then its " Oh we had planned to have a sandcastle building competition that day - how's about it DCs? Beach and sandcastle building or hot stuffy bus for an hour each way to go and visit some relatives?" etc. etc. until he gets the point

But you do need to actually speak to her. She may be wily and manipulative, but she needs one of you to tell her very clearly that this is your family holiday only and you won't be meeting her on it. If you don't - well on your head be it.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 23/04/2018 16:43

i know I need to speak up, I'm the only one who usually does anyway but I have to admit I don't face things with in-laws head on, I usually hint or I just ignore and do what I want anyway.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 23/04/2018 16:44

Have you spoken to DH?

Is he onboard?

Are you prepared to issue and ultimatum? (He can stay home and you take the kids so you have a nice holiday!)

BoobleMcB · 23/04/2018 17:29

If you've given advanced notice that you will see her if you have a day free then that sets the tone. Leave your phone's in the room, realistically why would you have them down by the pool/on the beach?

4seasons · 23/04/2018 17:57

Please sort this out ASAP or you will live to regret it. To have saved for years for a much wanted , lovely relaxing holiday and then be dreading it is awful ! Just a complete waste of your hard earned money. You’ll feel terrible resentment towards your DH.
A warning to you .... years ago my DH and I planned a holiday of a lifetime... 5 week’s travelling around New Zealand and Australia . At a meal out one night ( a lot of wine had been drunk ) he invited his parents ( both in their 80s) to come with us. No discussion with me . When I objected ( once he’d sobered up ) he said I would have to tell them I didn’t want them to come. Naturally I didn’t as I didn’t want to upset them. Worst holiday ever .... and I was very resentful that thousands of pounds of my hard earned cash was wasted. He spent the entire holiday worrying about his parents and it did restrict what we could do.

Think I came very close to divorcing him. Instead I used the credit card to buy myself some very nice jewellery and to this day don’t know where I got the nerve from .... at the time I’d had enough and didn’t give a shit !!

Years later after MIL had died my DH started to invite FIL on one of our holidays each year. After a couple of these I put my foot down. I simply said that he could go with his DF on his own and I would go on holiday with a friend.

Sorry to highjack your thread but you can probably tell the huge resentment it caused me. Don’t be me .... speak up now or you’ll regret it.

LakieLady · 23/04/2018 18:10

I love my MIL to bits and would happily go away for a long weekend with her, but not for our main holiday.

I'm just gobsmacked that your DH thought it was ok to agree to this.

TheNoseyProject · 23/04/2018 18:11

If you don’t have family like this/haven’t grown up in this environment it’s hard to understand.

For example, my parents believe lying in is lazy. So though they won’t literally pull you out of bed they will be loud/do passive aggressive hoovering/sulk when you finally get up/ keep referencing how whatever your doing would have been better if you’d been there earlier/etc

Sounds funny, but when you have it about everything and have all that judgement about all the minutia of your life it’s stressful and really gets to you.

With people like this you can’t ‘see how it goes’ she’ll be there at 9am knocking on your door.

BerylStreep · 23/04/2018 18:45

4Seasons - that sounds just like my DSis and her MIL. They had a once in a lifetime holiday planned and her MIL muscled in. My DSis told me that when she overheard her MIL completely rearranging their itinerary to do what she wanted to do, she couldn't come downstairs, she just stayed upstairs and wept. Sad

feesh · 23/04/2018 18:51

You have a VERY good reason to have your phone switched off on holiday - data roaming.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/04/2018 00:39

I don't think you can leave this to DH. If he's anything like mine, he can't bear to be the bad guy. Your choice is be the bad guy and say it to her straight. No this is our holiday, or leave it up to him and watch her ruin it.. and all the weeks leading up to it when you are resenting her and him. Its easier to be the bad guy up front and own it.

My MIL would weedle details out of DH about our holidays and invite his siblings along. I remember saying to my SIL Ok you can come but DH and I NEED some time on our own. She agreed but did we get it. No we did not. She even got her little boy to knock on the door of our chalet and waited until we opened the door and drove off into town for the day.
My point is. Put your foot down. They wll agree to any terms and conditions and will then do exactly as they please once you are on holiday and you can do nothing about it. This story will run and run so its up to you to change the narrative. You are the bad guy anyway so own it. They have no regrets about doing so.

Biddie191 · 24/04/2018 14:14

I've not read the whole thread, but personally would change the holiday destination if that's possible, then at the last minute tell her that there was a booking mistake and you're going to x instead - (not) sorry!!
I've been on a holiday with my MIL and it wasn't a holiday. Sounds like yours would be no better.
Good luck xxx

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 24/04/2018 17:32

Everytime the phone rings I envision it being my MIL ringing to merrily tell me that's she's booked herself on the same flight.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 24/04/2018 17:36

Well wish her a safe and happy Holliday and say how much fun she'll have with Rellie!

Then chip in 'we'lhave so much to catch up on when we get home'

bonnyshide · 24/04/2018 17:52

Phone MIL and ask to see her for a cup of tea and a chat. Sit her down and tell her as much as you love her, you do not want to share your family holiday with her. Explain you and DH need some quality time with the DC alone. That is why you have been saving for so long for a holiday. Point out to her that this is the first holiday you've had in three years so is quite a big deal for you.

As long as you are firm and still kind then you will have done nothing wrong, if she kicks off then that's all on her. Just keep kindly repeating that you like spending time with her, but not on your family holiday.

Seriously you are letting this go too far, you should've said something ages ago.

GreenTulips · 24/04/2018 18:20

^ have you met this type of person?

You can't reason with these types they have one single vision - their own!!

Thy won't sit and listen and accept your view because theirs is the only view worth having!

Oldbutstillgotit · 24/04/2018 18:36

OP you sound resigned to her joining you .

Anewhope · 24/04/2018 18:45

@flitteringkites I just got DEEP in that thread you posted. Jesus. It was like EastEnders.

chattykathyblue100 · 24/04/2018 19:39

OP, I think you know you have to tackle this by double-checking she's not planning to go with you. I think it's a bloody shame your DH won't do it so you have to. As bonnyshide says, be kind but firm. The whole situation is now spoiling all the anticipation a holiday should bring. Good luck and I hope you have a fabulous holiday x

Shizzlestix · 24/04/2018 19:47

.

HowToDealWithThisSnake · 24/04/2018 20:03

OP why don't you set yourself the task this week of speaking to the travel agent, explaining the position, and finding out exactly how doable changing your hotel / destination / dates is.

At least then you know what options you have.

petmyunicorn · 24/04/2018 21:44

In case no one has mentioned it yet, never give this woman another detail about anything important/that she could ruin.

No flight numbers.
No destinations.
No dates of travel.

She does not need to know any of this information.

Toast3 · 24/04/2018 21:49

Every family needs time alone together to do exactly as they please. That’s what holidays are for....
Don’t let her (or anyone) take that from you.

Motoko · 25/04/2018 01:43

In case no one has mentioned it yet, never give this woman another detail about anything important/that she could ruin.

OP didn't. Her DH answered all MIL's questions when she grilled him. He's putty in MIL's hands.

shakingmyhead1 · 25/04/2018 02:27

if she calls and says she has booked her flight reply with "awwwww thats so sweet unfortunately there was an issue with double booking at the hotel so we have (cancelled the vacation/ changed the flights to a week later/changed the destination) " " tell you? no it never occurred to me to tell you as it never occurred to me that you would be joining us on our intimate family vacation... who ever heard of a thing, lmao don't be silly MIL!" and tell her to enjoy her holiday and hang up, have a giggle and forge ahead with your plans

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 25/04/2018 03:22

nosey omg my parents are exactly the same. So controlling. When we went to visit them (we live abroad), we were late (by about 10 minutes) a couple of times because neither of us were used to driving in the UK. Even leaving early, my husband would get confused on roundabouts or whatever. My mum would sulk EVERY time so when I remember visiting them, it’s not about how lovely it was but how nervous and anxious I was the whole time.