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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
FaveNumberIs2 · 22/04/2018 21:22

Not unreasonable at all. Next time, don’t tell her.

Motoko · 22/04/2018 22:30

OH. MY. FUCKING GOD. that Babycenter thread is fucking EPIC!

I've just spent the last hour reading it out to my DH. Peena was awesome! DH couldn't believe what a fuckwit her fiancé was, inviting his mother on their supposed "romantic" holiday, and sharing a suite with her. How we laughed at the big mouthed friend's reply on the mother's FB post about spending time alone with her son!

Brilliant, thanks to the pps who posted the link. It was shocking, and awesome, and funny, and so, so, good to see a woman standing up for herself and being so strong.

OP, I hope you get the strength that Peena had, to stand up for yourself and your family.

PrimalLass · 22/04/2018 22:51

I know! Did the man not want lots of holiday sex?

Motoko · 22/04/2018 23:46

Haha, yeah, we were saying, not even any morning nookie, because his mother WOKE THEM UP AT 7AM!

user1483875094 · 22/04/2018 23:56

Get your husband to think about HIS CHILDREN, if he can't even be bothered to think about his wife. Ask him.... "so - how are you going to tell the children, NO we can't go to the beach, or the water-park, or swim in the pool, as we have to go and sit in some old lady's house, who you don't know, instead". ? Then ask him what he thinks their sad little faces will look like?

JanKind · 23/04/2018 00:02

Give me her details. I’ll tell her. It’s important for you to spend time alone together as your family unit. This does not include her. Smile

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/04/2018 00:58

Also just spent the last hour reading the rabbit hole thread - OP's posts only (Excellent facility!) - wow! Good for her.

Now Sunseas - I really hope your MIL has decided not to come, but I seriously doubt it. I suspect she will lull you into a false sense of security and then pop up about an hour after you've checked in. What you might need to do is come down with a shocking case of D&V - you AND the children - so you boot DH out to stay with his mother while you get on with having the holiday you actually wanted (or DH can choose to be complicit in the D&V story if he'd like to actually spend time with his own wife and children)

Keep away from her if she turns up. Really awful plan for her to be involved in any way. :(

hellsbellsmelons · 23/04/2018 03:38

Hope you have a fab holiday and mil stays put.

jocarter67 · 23/04/2018 08:24

I have this problem with my Dm she is forever trying to tag along with our special family holidays. I always feel really bad about not inviting her but I honestly can’t relax when she is with us. My sister however doesn’t mind her coming along with them but only Because she pays for them all and all their meals etc etc and she looks after my nephews, but I really really just want time with my DH and DS and Dd

ToftyAC · 23/04/2018 08:28

No, no, no, no, no. When I was married my In laws came in our holidays a lot. They were very nice people but I never once got to do anything I wanted to do - NOT once! And MIL absolutely ruined the last holiday they gatecrashed. She used to hang on about how she’d paid a £1,000 for us to go on our first holiday together - conveniently forgetting that my XDH rewired their whole house and to get us there I forked our £6,300 for a larger car to get us there & back and I did all the driving! Fuck no - tell her to politely 0-1-2-1-do-one!!!

ShatnersWig · 23/04/2018 08:33

Your DH is NOT stuck in the middle. He is choosing his mother over his wife and kids.

He needs to grow a spine.

MarvelleGazelle · 23/04/2018 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SukiTheDog · 23/04/2018 09:31

OP, just tell her it’s not possible, on this occasion. A holiday is something you’re supposed to look forward to. Your MIL is already spoiling it. Do what you want. She’s not hard up for a holiday. Man up.

Beezley · 23/04/2018 09:39

Yanbu if my mil came on holiday with us I swear I'd end up doing prison time !!

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 23/04/2018 13:36

jankind I'm so tempted to pm you her details so you can tell her for meGrin

Honestly I think after all these years she's worn me down and I really do have to pick my battles with them.Theres so much stuff I could put on MN about what they do etc but I'd be here forever.

I think she has understood that we'd rather be on our own but usually what we want doesn't really affect her decisions, she still does what SHE want.

it is a very very close knit family and DH does feel that we are the ones who don't join in with things as much as the rest of them but it's bloody exhausting being around them.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 23/04/2018 13:50

The most stressful holiday ever for me was when we invited my DM and MIL to come with us, back when our DDs were 4 and 1. The idea was that they would babysit together so my DH and I could have some much needed couple time.

We did get the couple time, but unfortunately, my DM kept finding fault with MIL, and would complain about her to me. She said she didn't think we should allow MIL to babysit on her own, because she wasn't reliable. She said I mustn't tell my DH what she had said, there was no need to upset him blah blah.

I ignored that and told him. He spoke to MIL about it and she gave a thoroughly different version, with her own criticism of DM.

We of course never made that arrangement again.

Libbie001 · 23/04/2018 14:12

You are not being selfish.

I'd delegate dealing with this to DH. Get him to tell her it's important family time, you both need to unwind and not rush around and while you will be able to see her e.g. 2 days / 2 nights, all you will be doing the rest of the time is sitting on a beach and relaxing. Set expectations now.

Maybe get her to agree upfront to babysit for a couple of evenings so the both of you can have quality time? A couples need "date night".

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 23/04/2018 14:23

she doesn't understand 'couple time'
anytime we've gone out on our own and left the DC with my parents they've gone on and on about how it's selfish to do that and to spend money on children rather than us and blah blah blah

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasandfun · 23/04/2018 14:24

But you are right in that I need to set boundaries now about what we're going to be doing.

OP posts:
MarvelleGazelle · 23/04/2018 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoobleMcB · 23/04/2018 14:38

I don't understand why you're looking at it in the way you are. Like why are you looking at it as her coming with you when she clearly isnt.

Look at as her going to stay with her friend, and thus treat it as such. She's not with you or at your hotel so don't worry about her. Tell her that you're happy with her going to see her friend and hopes she has a nice time. Even say it would be nice to fit in meeting for a brew or an ice-cream if you have a day free but say no more

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 23/04/2018 15:24

booble because it's not as simple as that, I wish it was. She isn't the type to leave us alone, she'll be constantly ringing us to go see her for a bit then that'll turn into a few hours then a whole day then she'll make plans for us to do somehtibg the next day and tell us sitting on a beach is boring and eating out isn't healthy and blah blah blah
I just cannot be bothered with the constant mithering, I just want to relax.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasandfun · 23/04/2018 15:24

If it was as simple as us just getting on the same flight and then not seeing each other til the flight home then I wouldn't care.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 23/04/2018 15:26

Booble
Considering she has made an itinary of things she expects to do with op and her family every day i doubt if that will work. She will probably just turn up or call repeatedly every day till her son gives in (again)
Considering they have to see her twice a week its not asking much for a whole week without her.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2018 16:10

I couldn't cope with seeing my inlaws twice a week, and not my own family either. It sounds completely suffocating. The OP most definitely does deserve to be able to relax on this holiday.

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