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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
LoveProsecco · 22/04/2018 15:14

Say no!

Motoko · 22/04/2018 16:59

That's a good idea BrassMonk, he might be able to take it in as they're about other mothers, not his, so it takes the personal connection away from it.
At the moment, it just seems to him that OP's criticising his mother, so he gets defensive, and because he's been trained by his mum, he can't see the reality of the situation, and that it's not normal.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 22/04/2018 17:11

i think if he read that then he'd think his mum is not bad at all compared to the one in that.
I do try and get him to recognise how overly controlling his family is and to be honest he knows, everybody who meets them says the same thing... we got carpet put down when we first moved in and used someone in-laws had used previously, first thing he says to DH was 'God your parents are perfectionists aren't they, they were stood over me telling me how to put the carpet in the whole time'
obviously he meant they were pushy and annoying and he's been doing this job for years but they still couldn't help but tell him he was doing it wrong!

OP posts:
DeniseRoyal · 22/04/2018 17:34

FUCK THAT!!!

TorviBrightspear · 22/04/2018 17:40

Your DH isn't stuck in the middle, he choosing to put himself there, by putting MIL's feelings above yours.

Turquoise123 · 22/04/2018 17:44

Clearly if she comes it’s not a holiday I assume that your husband can spot this himself and will sort it out. If he does not - ouch. So unfair, so thoughtless and actually a little bit creepy...

CocoaGin · 22/04/2018 17:45

To be honest, I'd ring whoever you've booked with and change the destination/hotel. And DON'T tell your DH until you are at the airport and say "oh sorry darling I completely forgot to tell you they'd emailed and changed the hotel due to a problem with the booking..............".

Gemini69 · 22/04/2018 17:50

Keep mentioning how your looking forward to those long lazy days laying on the beach.... ever single day of YOUR holiday Grin

rookiemere · 22/04/2018 17:58

It is a bit of a shame that you chose a destination where there is IL family nearby.

Next time make sure your holiday is nowhere near anyone related - bonus points if it's hard to reach and isolated ( provided of course she doesn't somehow get DH to extend an invite)

Perimenirant · 22/04/2018 17:58

OP, seriously. Don't ever discuss your family holidays with your MIL if she is like this. In future tell her you have not decided what you are doing and then just let her know you are going away 2 weeks before you do. Also be vague as to where you are going.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 18:16

@LakieLady
That email is awesome. Grin

cittigirl · 22/04/2018 18:31

I've not RTFT. Is the holiday booked already? Id change the destination as she surely doesn't have a relative or friend she can stay with at every resort. Do not give in, tell DH to grow a pair and tell her. Good luck.

MarvelleGazelle · 22/04/2018 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ton181 · 22/04/2018 18:43

Nightmare say no, my MIL is selfish so wouldn't want her there as it would be all about her. Enjoy your hols and ignore her......

PaddingtonBearHardStare · 22/04/2018 18:51

I have been down the rabbit hole too!! ''Twas awesome!! I especially liked the fact you could filter to just read the OPs posts if you're listening MNHQ Wink

WingsOnMyBoots · 22/04/2018 18:51

It's really difficult OP, I know, but YANBU and you really need to be strong. Controlling people just annoy me.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/04/2018 18:57

I think you should email your MIL politely and directly. Explain that you need time alone together and that you have saved and anticipated for this one week for 3 years. You are happy to see them another time, but your one holiday is not that time. That is ALL the reason you need to give. DH clearly can't ccpe with it. so don't leave it to him. You will be the one getting the aggro however it is handled. So accept the fact that she will be cross. What's the worst that can happen if you tell her direct no.. if you leave it to linger on it becomes more of an issue. No you can't do that. No I will not discuss it further, but thank you for thinking of us. Maybe next time. Also lay down the law with DH. Don't argue. Just tell him. No I am not prepared to do that and you know the reasons why. I am sticking to this so we either cancel the holiday altogether or we do it my way. At the moment you are being more flexible than his mother and he wants the situation to go away so he wants you to bend to his mother's will and hopes that will be the end of it. It could be if you do that.. but then it will happen again with the next issue. Its not like you are asking for the moon. Don't let someone else run your life.

pollymere · 22/04/2018 18:58

You could agree to spend one day with MIL and relative. Time to be agreed before the holiday. It's a little odd to holiday near a relative and not visit (although we did on subsequent holidays!) If you are firm about the one video, it will be easier to not be contactable the rest of the time. Otherwise she'll be in your hotel lobby every morning!

MorriBuntz25 · 22/04/2018 19:02

You sound a lovely person. Not a bitch at all. You're totally right to just want to be with your partner and little ones and I sincerely hope he and everyone else will back you up on this. Please don't back down. Family time is precious. You can be polite buy firm. If you feel uncomfortable ask your husband to talk to her and tell her no. It's his mother after all and she needs to know we all need personal space. Good luck xxx

Catrina1234 · 22/04/2018 19:14

It's utterly ridiculous. Haven't read every page but don't think you should be making excuses and cancelling the holiday etc. Your DH needs to tell her that you want a holiday with just your family - sorry mom. End of.

zanielanie · 22/04/2018 19:18

Go on holiday with your family and enjoy it. Tell the outlaws there not welcome... I have been on holidays too with my OH DP. It is bloody hardwork and I wont go on about anything else as its too long! You need a holiday with no interference from them. Its time your DH cuts the umbilical cord and grows a pair

manicmij · 22/04/2018 19:30

Just tell her this is your first holiday as a family and you want to be able to spoil your DC doing lots of the child things you do on holiday. To accommodate going to relative etc would restrict this and that she will surely appreciate how you and family want to make your own timetable.

Icanttakemuchmore · 22/04/2018 19:38

Both you and your dh should tell her it's not going to happen. It's a holiday to relax with your dcs and dh. I would definitely not let her. Its your holiday.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 22/04/2018 19:58

Op, you are definitely not a bitch. Most women in this situation would just tell their DH ‘if your mum joins us on this holiday I’m not coming’ and would be prepared to follow through.

Personally, I’d be spending the holiday money on a good divorce lawyer to get rid of the spineless husband as I couldn’t put up with such controlling in laws.

xmb53 · 22/04/2018 21:03

Yup

Cancel the holiday and rebook one for the same time in another country. And don't tell her.....

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