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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

460 replies

sunseasandfun · 20/04/2018 22:57

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 21/04/2018 21:46

Sun you say he's always stuck in the middle, that's MY problem.

This was my problem too in the early days of my marriage. When I said that to DH he was horrified that I thought it was a tug of war with him in the middle. He told me in no uncertain terms that he and I were on the same end of the rope.

MIL still pulls her end after 23 years, and DH is having therapy to help him deal with her and FIL. It sounds like your DH may need some of the same before he finds he has lived most of his life for her and not for himself.

Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 21:47

no thank god she's at least half a brain and doesn't read either of those and thankfully she doesn't know about mumsnet

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 21:49

He says himself that he's stuck in the middle and to be honest I can see it so I try to back off and let him decide what he wants but sadly he never seems to be on the same 'team' or page as me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasandfun · 21/04/2018 21:50

it does feel like shes gotten the hint, we will see them again in a couple of days so I'll make sure to mention how happy I am to have a holiday for just us.

OP posts:
PoohBearsHole · 21/04/2018 21:54

One thing has stood out to me - your MIL saying DH only has 10 years with her you can tell both of them he's going to have considerably less with you if this continues.

I'm sorry but your DH lacks a back bone so it's going to have to be you that takes the wrap. Perhaps she'll finally get the message!

fabulous01 · 21/04/2018 22:16

I am saying This by being genuine.
Absolutely no ruddy way. And if hubby wanted to go I would say you pay and you go but I won’t

Lupiform · 21/04/2018 22:32

My god, that rabbit hole was amazing!

snewname · 22/04/2018 00:14

Fab rabbit hole.
I liked how you could just see the ops posts. I guess 5k+ posts would have been a lot to scroll through.

Anyway op. Beware you don't get sucked in too deep. Set your own boundaries if dh won't.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 04:47

This woman offends everyone wherever she goes and no one says a word. It’s so wrong. Your dh needs some serious deprogramming.

LakieLady · 22/04/2018 06:00

Email her along these lines:

"Dear MIL

I understand that you are planning to join us for some of the time we are on holiday. Just thought I should let you know that we will be spending every day at a nudist beach, as I know you can be a bit funny about seeing exposed flesh. Other people may be a bit funny about you being on the beach all covered up, too!

By the way, do you think factor 50 will be sufficient to prevent fanjo burn? Better bring loads if you're joining us lol.

We'll also be eating out every night, we've discovered a fantastic little place that specialises in (insert disgusting food of some sort) so we'll be going there most evenings. If you're not keen on (disgusting food), you may prefer to make your own arrangements for meals.

Your livid loving DIL"

GlitteryFluff · 22/04/2018 07:29

Hopefully she's got the hint but be prepared for her to suddenly be coming again and have things to say planned.
Your dh really needs to step up.

Whocansay · 22/04/2018 07:51

Your DH is a spineless weasel. He is not 'stuck in the middle'. Does he actually want her to come?

I would be very unhappy living with a man who doesn't have my back.

BerylStreep · 22/04/2018 08:31

I'm more Shock that you are seeing them again in a couple of days. How often do you normally see your PILs? Might be worth googling family enmeshment. It doesn't sound like a very healthy dynamic.

GreenTulips · 22/04/2018 09:09

He says himself that he's stuck in the middle

No he isn't - he lives with you, has children with you, his priority is you and the children. You are his nuclear familly and this is your familly holiday.

Who invited themselves in someone's else's holiday? It's just not the done thing!

RapunzelsRealMom · 22/04/2018 09:28

When you go back and see her, OP, say something like,

"Our friends Janet and John asked if we'd all like to go on holiday together. It would have been lovely as they're great company but we told them it'd have to be another time as we're so excited to have this holiday to ourselves, doing our own thing and pleasing no one but us.Sometimes you just need to be together as a family, don't you think MIL?"

That might help make your point, as long as Janet and John don't mind you using their names to get there.

Good luck, my DM has cried in the past when we've told her we're going on holiday! And this year, the first thing she said when we told her was "Can I come?" Then afterwards claims it was a joke Confused

RandomMess · 22/04/2018 10:07

I am stuck in the wormhole of the babycentre thread!!!

There are some very very strange people out there...

rebeccabecca · 22/04/2018 11:03

The babycentre thread is epic!

PrimalLass · 22/04/2018 12:02

I can't get it to work :-(

Taylor22 · 22/04/2018 12:32

Has anyone got a link to the baby centre thing?

rebeccabecca · 22/04/2018 12:44

Link is on page 1, enjoy!

PrimalLass · 22/04/2018 12:57

I couldn't get it to work with my wifi and had to use mobile. Wasted a good while ready it. That OP is one strong woman.

Thebluedog · 22/04/2018 13:01

If she changes her mind and says that she’s coming simply tell her that’s fine but you have lots planned, and because it’s your family holiday you will be locking all mobile phones in the safe so if she wants to join you then she’ll have to take pot luck at finding you.

As for covering up.... ‘no’ is a complete sentence

WineAndTiramisu · 22/04/2018 14:39

Flutteringkites

Wow, that post kept me going through all the night feeds! (Back on page 1 if anyone missed it!)

BrassMonk · 22/04/2018 14:56

To be honest, the whole of r/justnomil on reddit might help you get some perspective. It might also be a more neutral way to show your dh how badly his mum is behaving, in a "omg read this, can you imagine" kind of way, and see if he can make the connection between those women and his mother.