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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless women - who will look after you in old age?

357 replies

boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 16:06

If you are childless (by choice or not) or even if you have children, what's your view on this?

I've seen several threads from mums hating it and saying they wish they didn't have kids. Surely it's all good when you're young but who will look after you when you're old?

I wonder if that is why mums complain how much they hate it, yet go on to have a second and third child? And if old age wasn't a concern, why did you have children if you don't enjoy it?

OP posts:
EnidButton · 20/04/2018 18:11

For example, if you're too scared to go to the hospital alone, who will go with you?

Bloody hell! It gets even more cheerful the more I read.

Look, I know we kind of have to think about these things but what do you propose those without children do? What's your solution to the miserable lonely existence that you've come up with for us? Because of there isn't one then all that thinking about it does is cause worry and unhappiness. Take it as it comes, make sure you have a bit of money or at least enough to get by. Meantime focus on the here and now and cheer up.

raisedbyguineapigs · 20/04/2018 18:11

The thing is you can say you are expected to look after your parents when they are old and that it is a cultural thing. I am from a similar culture-but years ago, you looked after a fairly active elderly relative who then had a short period of ill health and died in their 60's or 70's. My grandmother died recently. She was 105 and had been in a home for 10 years after my aunt found it too difficult to care for her. Who would have looked after her? Her children are all in their 70's and 80's themselves. And in those cultures, children aren't expected to sacrifice their lives to look after the parents, women are expected to sacrifice their lives to look after their parents and parents in law.

amioverthinking · 20/04/2018 18:11

And a child loves a parent as much as parent loves a child. If a parent can make sacrifices for a child why can't a child for a parent.

We need less 'entitled' and more 'compassion'

And for childless people I'm sure you have loved ones to look after your best interests . If there are people there waiting for inheritances there's people there to take care of you.

ScreamingValenta · 20/04/2018 18:12

@EnidButton Flowers I'm not surprised the not-by-choice childfree find this thread upsetting. I am childfree by choice but still find it irritating and goady.

OP - I imagine it's more distressing in old age to have children who completely ignore you than it is not to have any at all. You might be lucky and have attentive, caring children, or you might not.

BlondeB83 · 20/04/2018 18:13

Before the care home I would probably end things but while I was able I’d be using the proceeds from my property to travel the world!

BeyondThePage · 20/04/2018 18:15

It is insidious though - it does not usually come as a falling axe - "you need to look after your mum/dad/whoever" what happens is they go into hospital, can come home if someone will visit every day, don't start driving again, so need help to get to the hospital, eyesight fails a bit, so need help with cleaning/laundry/computer forms/life.....

MIL wants to move in with us. I have a heart condition so to be perfectly honest it is simply not going to happen, and I have stated that - in black and white, in those terms. She needs to make other plans, but is burying her head in the sand. She still has her mental faculties, so we are in no position to be able make those decisions for her.

I would never expect the kids to "care for" us in our old age - but hope they would always have our best interests at heart when making any decisions about any future care needs when we have lost our marbles completely.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 20/04/2018 18:16

Why is this question not being directed at childless men? Hmm

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 20/04/2018 18:17

Which many threads has the OP seen here about mothers hating their children??? I have not seen one in 12 years!

toomuchtooold · 20/04/2018 18:17

I haven't RTFT but I'm sure I'm joining a whole bunch of others in saying that I didn't go to all the bother of having and looking after two kids so they could waste their adulthood wiping my arse. And although it is sometimes hard, and I have had to make sacrifices, the idea that that is justified by me being able to smugly look down on childless women who go out on the piss see the world in their 30s and 40s and then rue their short-sightedness in their old age... it's so fucking depressing.

EnidButton · 20/04/2018 18:17

Screaming Thank you. Cake I'll keep those flowers to decorate my cold, lovely bed sit when I'm 80. Wink

If there are people there waiting for inheritances there's people there to take care of you.

If the fuckers don't visit me I'm spending the lot on chocolates, ridiculous handbags and dog charities. Grin

Walkingdeadfangirl · 20/04/2018 18:19

As a society we have to consider that it is not necessarily the most humane thing to keep extending life at all costs. There has to be a point where we say, 'stop', quality of life comes first and life has to end at some point.

I know more and more people who believe living in the now is more important than a few extra years in a nursing home. It might mean the end comes quicker but it makes the ride much more enjoyable.

Original poster
boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 18:19

@mirialis, that's what I hope for, a circle of childless friends who all look out for each other. I'm an introvert as well so also struggle to make friends, so lets hope my existing ones stay childless!

@VladmirsPoutine, I agree, if you're lucky the care home is nice and well managed. But LOTS of care homes are not. The elderly get neglected and have to wait hours to go to the toilet! If you have no adult kids visiting then no one will even know you're suffering!

OP posts:
EnidButton · 20/04/2018 18:20

cold, lovely bedSit

I meant 'lonely' it can't be lovely, that's far too positive.

corythatwas · 20/04/2018 18:20

I wonder how being born in another culture would have enabled me or my SIL to look after my MIL when she became paralysed, was too heavy for two people to lift between them, and required a heftier hoist than could be fitted into an ordinary semi-detached? I suppose the truth is that she would just have had to die from infected sores or, in a best-case scenario, one of us would accidentally have dropped her down the stairs. I loved my MIL. But a life in our house would have been hell on earth. Not to mention that it would have made me incapable of looking after my own disabled child, as I could never have left the house for long enough to take her to school, let alone keep one of her hospital appointments.

It would have been a choice between looking after MIL and keeping her alive, or looking after my own child (who according to the OPs logic should then be looking after me) and keeping her alive.

TerfsUp · 20/04/2018 18:21

I knew a woman who had five daughters. As soon as she developed dementia and was unable to live independently, they stuck her in a care home.

EnidButton · 20/04/2018 18:23

Seriously boaty, I'm joking around but I do understand the worry. I have had 4am panics about it but we will be okay. There's the Internet now so we won't be totally isolated or unable to do our own shopping etc. You never know who you'll meet as life goes on, things change, you might have a little group of pals that will look out for each other by then. I honestly think it will be okay. Flowers

Bowlofbabelfish · 20/04/2018 18:23

And a child loves a parent as much as parent loves a child. If a parent can make sacrifices for a child why can't a child for a parent.

It’s not always viable though. We live abroad - our parents are in two different countries and we would not be able to settle them in ours. What should we do?

It’s also not possible to provide nursing care standard care and work - there’s a point where someone will need proper, 24 hour available care, with dedicated facilities. Dementia past a point is not manageable in a family home. I’ve seen this in action - children utterly shattered from night wanderings then having to work all day and care for their kids.

If we had space and if my parents ever wanted to move in with us we’d welcome them. I’m not sure they’d want that, and past a point of infirmity it’s not something I’d want to be responsible for either.

Caring is exhausting. My parents cared for my grandmother until she was I her nineties and it took a huge toll on their own health. It isn’t just granny sitting happily minding the baby, it can be physically and mentally draining work.

And yes - what’s usually meant is the woman doing it all. All this ‘we could learn from other countries’ - always women. Always doing everything.

There aren’t any easy answers to this. It’s a problem that an awful lot of us are going to face and it doesn’t have a simple solution.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/04/2018 18:25

@Walkingdeadfangirl You have worded my thoughts incredibly eloquently. It's a shame we can't have an honest discussion about those issues without people bringing out their pitchforks demanding we lay off their grannies.

LondonJax · 20/04/2018 18:27

@Poppet you said Lets turn this around, does anyone on here care for their elderly mothers/fathers or if they are in a home do you go and visit them?

We, as a family, have for five years. It started with accompanying mum to do her shopping, progressed through to doing her laundry (she couldn't remember how her washing machine worked), arranging for her daily medications to be given out (she suddenly managed to overdose by accident having been able to do her own medication from a posset box for years so we had to get carers in. She couldn't even remember how to take them if we phoned her three times a day to do it at that point), we dealt with all her finances as she forgot to pay her bills (only found out when she nearly had the bailiffs in), we got a cleaner but cleaned in between as she would leave spots of poo on her bathroom floor. We got to the stage where she stopped being mum and started to become a 'patient'. We didn't have time for a cuppa with her as we were fire fighting all the way.

She then went into respite as she had a fall at home. When she was there she became doubly incontinent. We would take her to the loo if she needed it when we visited. She became constipated and needed me to 'pull the poo out of her bottom' then, one day she had cleared that by 'exploding' into her incontinence pants. I was the one who discovered it when I accompanied her to the loo. It took me and one of the care home staff 20 minutes to clean her up. She also decided to examine it before we could stop her so had poo on her hands which she subsequently smeared on the wall of the bathroom.

So yes, we've cared for our mum. She's now in permanent care and we can actually enjoy a cuppa and a chat for the first time in years because someone else is doing all the day to day stuff. We have our mum back in some form or other and we visit every other day between us.

mirialis · 20/04/2018 18:30

No chip on the shoulder there then

Yes, after multiple miscarriages and now infertility, I do have quite a chip on my shoulder about being told what I would think if I had children on top of all the other stuff people with kids like to say on the issue to me.

Thanks for both your posts though - much appreciated. Flowers

Choccolitt · 20/04/2018 18:31

Having children isn't a guarantee of someone wanting you to look after you in your old age. I know more than a couple of children who are no contact with their parents.

Cheerymom · 20/04/2018 18:32

I do not have children by choice. I have bumped up a big pension and will sell my home to look after myself. Also I live in a community based country. Church and other groups help too as do neighbours.

MadgeMak · 20/04/2018 18:32

My kids are under no obligation whatsoever to look after me in my old age, not their responsibility, I hope they grow up and have full and exciting lives without burden. If they want to willingly spend time with me and help me out if I need it then great, I had children because I wanted them not because I wanted a ready made skivvy in my old age.

TravellingFleet · 20/04/2018 18:35

As someone said upthread, it’s the smaller things that we will need to consider, as well as the big issues of choosing when to move into a care home and researching the appropriate one. Sure, people have said on here that they don’t expect their children to physically care for them - but they probably do expect their children to research an appropriate care home should they, say, have a sudden massive stroke. Which is not something which will be available to us childfree people, and needs to be planned for.

speakout · 20/04/2018 18:35

mirialis

I object to you as a childless woman telling me as a mother how I think.

It's alongside those " I have a gay/Asian friend" type comments.

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