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Original poster

Childless women - who will look after you in old age?

357 replies

boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 16:06

If you are childless (by choice or not) or even if you have children, what's your view on this?

I've seen several threads from mums hating it and saying they wish they didn't have kids. Surely it's all good when you're young but who will look after you when you're old?

I wonder if that is why mums complain how much they hate it, yet go on to have a second and third child? And if old age wasn't a concern, why did you have children if you don't enjoy it?

OP posts:
crunchymint · 20/04/2018 17:48

Yes agree. It is not physical care, it is all the small jobs many relatives help elderly relatives with.

speakout · 20/04/2018 17:49

mirialis you have that view as a childless woman.

You may think differently if you had kids.

I would hate it if my kids spent their middle age looking after me.

Send me to a home with plenty gin and I'll be happy.

Original poster
boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 17:49

@ohmydayslove, my mum has told me as such. She plans to move in with either me or my brother when the time comes, whoever's spouse is nicer (she's got her eyes on me at the moment)

@crunchymint, yes exactly, there's thing carers can't do for you. Usually it falls to the adult children

@mirialis, thank you! I was starting to feel like an alien lol. I can't be the only one thinking about being alone in old age

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 20/04/2018 17:50

I don't want my kids to look after me in old age. If I still have my marbles I'll be happy in a home. If not I'm taking an overdose.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 20/04/2018 17:51

Elder care is immensely expensive and over-priced. I'd be amazed if most people on MN have really got enough money to fund their old age care needs, say, if they had dementia- especially as 1/3 of people don't own their own homes any more.

Those saying 'it's cultural' in other countries- I wouldn't call it 'cultural', it is to some extent, but that culture is driven by the lack of a welfare state, so if it's see your mum and dad literally starve to death or freeze, then most people will indeed take in families if there are no care homes for them to go in. In my husband's country, giving your bigger flat to your children to use when they have children is common, with the understanding that a room for them will also be available when they need it.

Skippetydoodah · 20/04/2018 17:52

No DCs here, never really thought about it. DH is much younger than me though so surely that's some insurance?! Grin

DM was widowed last year and became obsessed with me or DSis 'looking after' her (in her late 60s no health issues). As Dsis has children, DM 'chose' me and started making noises about moving to our estate, giving up driving, saying she was moving closer for my benefit so I wouldn't have so far to travel when she needed something! The memorable phrase 'I'm glad you didn't have children it means you'll be able to look after me when I'm older' has been uttered more than once Angry. It ended up with a very blunt conversation where I told her she could move next door if she liked but I wouldn't be looking after her, having her round for tea every night etc. She took the hump and moved closer to DSis instead! Ironically she's now more independent than she's ever been as Dsis has a really busy life so she's had no choice, but every now and again she starts saying she's going to move to be closer to me as I'll have more time for her!

mirialis · 20/04/2018 17:55

OP - I have quite a few friends who do not have children, either through choice or circumstance. Do you not? I expect we'll be more likely to be looking out for each other than anyone else (and having the savings to fund professional help). My mum's friends are always sticking their noses in with regard to what's going on with her, as she is with them.

I think building your own social circle (with single, married, people with kids etc.) is the most important thing really, as we none of us know what the future holds, whether we get married and have kids or not.

FreudianSlurp · 20/04/2018 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedForFilth · 20/04/2018 17:56

Yes there's Dignitas but resorting to that is somewhat.. sad? why is it say? If I get diagnosed with dementia or get to the stage I can't look after myself I'll definitely top myself. I know the realities of it as I've worked in care for a number of years.

I'd be more than happy to look after my parents if they need it but they wouldn't want me to and I'm a single parent so I obviously need to work full time. I'd never even consider asking my son to look after me. I'd never burden or guilt him.

Storm4star · 20/04/2018 17:57

Honestly, I have no idea why anyone old wants to even live when they need round the clock care! I know people will hate me for saying that! But I have no wish to have anyone (my offspring or otherwise) wipe my bottom in old age! Once the time comes that i’m no longer able to enjoy my life I am going to slip away quietly and be done with it! I’ve always felt that way, from a young age to now my late forties so i can’t see it changing. However I do drink and smoke so the chances of me making it to 90 are slim thank god!

mirialis · 20/04/2018 17:58

mirialis you have that view as a childless woman. You may think differently if you had kids.

NO. I don't "have that view." I'm telling you that - as a childless woman - it is something that has been said to me a fair amount (by people with children) along with all the other crap we childless women have to put up as well as being told how many things we'd think differently about if only we had children. Hmm

RedForFilth · 20/04/2018 17:58

Oh and working in care I see many different families. I've probably had no more than 15 residents in the past 5 years who's children visit once a week. Once a month or less is more common I'm afraid.

Storm4star · 20/04/2018 17:58

Saw the above post after writing mine! Seems we think the same.

thegreylady · 20/04/2018 17:59

My dd and her dh have said they want to look after me if I am left alone in old age. My son lives in Turkey where there is a culture of caring for elderly parents.
However, I will look after myself as long as I can and hope not to live too long when I am incapable.
I am 74.

joystir59 · 20/04/2018 18:01

What's wrong with looking after aging parents? I'm 60 and most of the women I know are doing this with love (and a gsoh).

VladmirsPoutine · 20/04/2018 18:01

Care homes are also not the panacea. They are quite depressing places ime.

raisedbyguineapigs · 20/04/2018 18:03

Apparently it cost 150k to bring up a child to adulthood- probably more if you count University. Multiply that by 2 or 3 and if you don't have children, that's some swanky care home you're looking at! I don't want my children to have to look after me when I'm old. I want them to have their own lives and their own families to care for. I'd like it if they came to visit, so I'll try my hardest not to be the MiL from hell!

user1490465531 · 20/04/2018 18:04

It is sad though when you see old people in care homes who have children but they just never bothered visiting them.
Unless your parents were cruel or neglectful to you why would you not want to help them if you could?
I don't mean living with them but at least visiting helping when you can.
After witnessing the fact that whilst my nan was in a care home we were often the only visitors ever it saddened me to see many elderly left there to rot .
They had children,family who choose never to visit.
Even the care home staff were shocked how often we visited they were not used to it I guessed.
Sadly this is modern day Britain and no this is not the norm in many countries but sadly it is here.
.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 20/04/2018 18:04

Why would loving parent hope their children would give up their lives, probably in their prime, to look after a senile oap dribbling in the corner of the house.

I want my children to have jobs, families, travel, wealth, to pursue their dreams etc. Not be stuck at home like some sort of menial 24/7 domestic slave, watching their parent shrivel along the end of life queue.

amioverthinking · 20/04/2018 18:04

I have always said that I wouldn't want me kids taking care of me when I am older. And they should live their lives as they wish without the added burden of having to look after an elderly parent.

However I have recently been working closely with the elderly. And I find some people as they get older become increasingly vulnerable-financially, physically and emotionally. And I am now of the view that we should take care of our elderly. So if my mum gets to the stage where she needs help although she is financially in a good place I would like to be there for her and take care of her. Because I have witnessed how care for the elderly can be poor especially when they don't have someone there to speak up for them.

And now I do feel a bit scared for the future and would like my kids to care for me- even though I have been very vocal about not burdening them in the past.

Getting old is not very bright, it's very dull indeed.

EnidButton · 20/04/2018 18:06

As someone without children, not from choice, can I just say thanks very much for the lovely thought on this bright lovely spring day. Exactly what I wanted to cheer me up. 👍🏻
🙄

EventNotInData · 20/04/2018 18:07

I think the poster who said that if she’d lost her marbles she’d therefore be perfectly happy being in a nursing home has a somewhat rosetinted view of life with dementia.

AS it happens my own DGM was perfectly happy for her first few years in a very good nursing home, visited daily by her daughter or other relatives (her last year was pretty hellish for medical reasons but there’s no way that assisted suicide would have been possible for practical/legal/moral reasons). But I know the situation can be much worse.

mirialis · 20/04/2018 18:10

To be fair Enid, I'd rather here that thought from someone contemplating their own childless future rather than the people I have heard it from in the past. Sure, no one wants their kids to have to wipe their arses but they do not expect to be left to rot alone in a home without visits and concern from their offspring.

speakout · 20/04/2018 18:11

miralis
along with all the other crap we childless women have to put up as well as being told how many things we'd think differently about if only we had children.

No chip on the shoulder there then.

UnimaginativeUsername · 20/04/2018 18:11

My mum looks out for a 90 year old woman she used to work with and has been friends with for about 45 years. I’ve always called her ‘auntie name’ and so do my children. She lives in a sheltered housing complex.

She does have children of her own but they live abroad or are fairly useless. So my mum checks in with her all the time, takes her out places, etc.

Not having children doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve not got anyone who cares about you or who will look out for you.