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Original poster

Childless women - who will look after you in old age?

357 replies

boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 16:06

If you are childless (by choice or not) or even if you have children, what's your view on this?

I've seen several threads from mums hating it and saying they wish they didn't have kids. Surely it's all good when you're young but who will look after you when you're old?

I wonder if that is why mums complain how much they hate it, yet go on to have a second and third child? And if old age wasn't a concern, why did you have children if you don't enjoy it?

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 20/04/2018 17:26

My mother had five children. She died alone.

Bizarre idea to think children are a solution for elderly care.

Bowlofbabelfish · 20/04/2018 17:26

I would expect my kids to be able to work anywhere they wanted in the world. I’ve moved abroad - they may well do that too and that’s Ok. They’re always welcome with me but I want them to have wings.

I’ll sort my own care out - I have no wish to burden them with an ageing P on top of their jobs and families.

Why would you be scared to go to hospital on your own?

TheRagingGirl · 20/04/2018 17:27

If you are childless (by choice or not) or even if you have children, what's your view on this?

Well, given that I'm supporting YOUR children now, I’m assuming your children will contribute to my support in my old age.

That’s how the tax system and the Welfar State work.

GabsAlot · 20/04/2018 17:27

my niece and newphew

only kidding im gonna top myself before or just when im in a home

LondonJax · 20/04/2018 17:28

Interesting you said about people finding looking after parents a burden OP.

One of my friends was not born here. In her culture it is expected that she will look after her mum (her father died a while ago). My friend has a stressful job involving a lot of travelling but she loves it. Her mum, who has always been demanding, has Alzheimer's and my friend is now having to face the possibility that she will have to give up a job she loves because 'other people expect it'. She is so resentful, stressed and depressed at the thought that her future will be spent taking care of her mum.

Interestingly her mum didn't have the same choice to make. Her mother (my friend's grandmother) still lived overseas so the expectation wasn't even put on the table.

I have no real answer for my friend. Her extended family think she's awful to even mention the word 'care home' in a whisper. She's seen a great home, clean, well cared for, lots to do. But all her extended family say is 'she's your mother, it's expected'. Very, very sad. All we, her circle of friends, can do is to try to be there for her, help where we can and keep an eye on her. You don't have children to fulfil an expectation.

xkatie27x · 20/04/2018 17:29

I won’t be having children, even if I did I wouldn’t expect them to look after me. I’m going to stick myself in the new retirement villages Jimmy Buffet is building. I’ll quite happily grow old on the beach, margarita in each hand Wink

BobbinThreadbare123 · 20/04/2018 17:30

Planning on dying alone, since DH is a bit older and men die first on average, then my dogs can eat me. Cheaper funeral that way.

Seriously, OP?

EthelHornsby · 20/04/2018 17:31

Can’t imagine being scared to go anywhere on my own- I’ve been looking after myself all my life! I wouldn’t want my children looking after me - if I can’t live alone any more, retirement village/flat then care home - finances planned for this. I raised my children to have their own lives, and hopefully their own children to care for

Original poster
boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 17:33

money can buy all sort of things, and there's long term carers, but at the end of the day money can't buy you someone who CARES

that's my concern anyways

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 20/04/2018 17:33

If you have children because you want to have them look after you in old age, I suspect you are likely to die alone anyway.

crunchymint · 20/04/2018 17:35

I do think it is an issue not in terms of physical care, but in terms of the general helping hand that many very elderly people need. So an elderly relative is being cared for by paid carers, but it is adult children sorting out finances and bills.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/04/2018 17:36

My BiL is very ill and currently not able to make medical decisions - he has children but for various reasons they aren't capable of taking any responsibility. So it's down to my DH (his DB) and a cousin to make decisions on his behalf. To be honest, there isn't much to it in some ways (though obviously a lot of anguish) - he had a bit of time before he deteriorated to make up a living will that's quite explicit about what he wants and the medical staff try to follow that. I think this sort of thing is likely to become the norm, and may actually be better than having close family tying themselves in knots with decision making that can never do what everyone kind of secretly wants it to do (i.e. make the person who they were before the illness). There are cases of abuse in the care sector. But there's abuse in the home setting too, being looked after by family is not a great way to try and guarantee good care.

I do think lack of children as a norm could lead to a more age-segregated society, which I don't think would be a good thing, but there are better ways to tackle that than insist people have children to care for them in their old age.

TheGamesUpThere · 20/04/2018 17:36

LondonJax
Her extended family think she's awful to even mention the word 'care home' in a whisper. She's seen a great home, clean, well cared for, lots to do. But all her extended family say is 'she's your mother, it's expected'.

This is so sad... and so illogical. I mean, if you added up all the time to cook, clean, help her wash etc... surely even if you were willing to put in that time it would be better to use it visiting, trips out etc whilst someone else does the care stuff.

This subject does concern me though. It's not just the actual care, its having someone to arrange it, to notice when you need it, to make sure the staff know you hate broccoli or whatever...

poppetpet · 20/04/2018 17:37

Lets turn this around, does anyone on here care for their elderly mothers/fathers or if they are in a home do you go and visit them?

TheJoyOfSox · 20/04/2018 17:38

I didn’t have children to “look after” me.

I wouldn’t expect my daughters to look after me.

As it stands my DH and I will look after each other. If I was widowed, I’d probably move to be closer (geographically) to one of my daughters, but not with a view to her looking after me, just so as to be able to see her and the grandchildren more often as I don’t plan to drive until I can no longer walk!

I’m hoping I will never need actual looking after as such, my grandmother lived alone for 20odd years after my granddad died, she looked after herself and kept her home clean until she died age 97. I’m planning on outliving her.

As pp said, nursing homes are full of old people who are not visited by their family. Having children doesn’t give you an automatic family to care for you in old age, especially if the old person is incontinent!

SweetnessAndBlight · 20/04/2018 17:38

I have children and grandchildren. If I have bruises in a home they'll put in a camera, lessons will be learned and I'll be moved to another facility which will be here we go again.
Can't live with any of them unless I can learn to sleep standing up in a cupboard.

herethereandeverywhere · 20/04/2018 17:38

I absolutely do not want my kids to care for me in my old age! That is no life for them. I want them to go into the world and enjoy every last second; not be traipsing round after an ailing version of me.

I did not have kids so they would provide free services in later life! What a bizarre notion.

mirialis · 20/04/2018 17:38

Pink Buffalo Flowers

Thing is, OP is getting a load of "WTF?" but there's no way the OP is alone in thinking along these lines as it's really not the first time - as a childless woman - I've heard it, so not sure that it is that "cultural".

Helpmeplan · 20/04/2018 17:39

My mum does my nan but that is a loose term because although she is 92 she has all her faculties and can look after herself. No way would I look after my parents

SleightOfMind · 20/04/2018 17:40

I can’t think of much worse than having my DC looking after me in my old age.

I’d be sat in a pile of my own shite, slowly dehydrating while they argued about sciency bollocks.

No bloody thank you. I’m saving up for lovely professional care until it’s Dignitas time.

bananafish81 · 20/04/2018 17:44

I'm involuntarily childless. I can't have children so I'm clearly stuffed then in my old age.

I plan on taking myself off to Dignitas

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 20/04/2018 17:44

I certainly didn't have a child to look after me in my old age - although it's common in other societies. I don't actually want to be a burden on her, I saw how shattered my mother was after looking after my father for years. Having said that the cost of even a half way decent nursing home is a huge amount. I expect that should we need it we'll have to sell the family home and fund it, so her inheritance will be greatly reduced.

Bramble71 · 20/04/2018 17:46

I don't have children and must admit, I think it's awful to have kids, expecting them to look after you when you're older. Oh my word!

TravellingFleet · 20/04/2018 17:46

I think it’s a serious point, and one that as a child free single woman I need to plan for early. It’s not a pleasant thing to discuss, but who will help me as I get out of step with changing technology, say, or friends move away to live closer to their grandchildren, or I physically struggle to do small household tasks? I spend time helping out older relatives myself, and I hope that a niece or nephew will do the same for me, but they will have their own parents to care for. I’m currently thinking that at some point I’ll employ a solicitor to manage money etc, but don’t know how well that works generally.

Personwithhorse · 20/04/2018 17:47

Sell properties to pay for care. My parents had three children, one lived far away, one lived next door one went to lawyer to get a lot of money out of him. We lived next door and did our best but the cruel treatment by the evil brother and his even worse wife finished him off.

I have a friend who’s only child lives in Australia she won’t be coming home to look after her. Many are the same