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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childless women - who will look after you in old age?

357 replies

boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 16:06

If you are childless (by choice or not) or even if you have children, what's your view on this?

I've seen several threads from mums hating it and saying they wish they didn't have kids. Surely it's all good when you're young but who will look after you when you're old?

I wonder if that is why mums complain how much they hate it, yet go on to have a second and third child? And if old age wasn't a concern, why did you have children if you don't enjoy it?

OP posts:

Threewheeler1 · 20/04/2018 16:45

Streetart
I like your style

Redglitter · 20/04/2018 16:47

My Mum is in her 70s she's fit and healthy. I on the other hand am not. She still does loads for me. The tables are totally turned. Thankfully she had children because she wanted them. She's made it clear if she needs care in the future it'll be in sheltered accommodation or a care home.

Does anyone seriously have children As A safety net for when they're old

FancyADoughnut · 20/04/2018 16:48

I have far more money than I would have if I had children. I plan to pay for my care when I am old.

Tupperwarelid · 20/04/2018 16:48

Given how expensive houses now are, even in the part of London we live, I expect my children will be taking me out in my wheelchair and pushing me over the cliff so they can sell the family home and buy a tiny one bedroom flat each.

Original poster

boatyface2 · 20/04/2018 16:49

@Platypuspie, that's what I had in mind when referring to "looking after", someone who has my best interests at heart and cares about me

Obviously I should have enough of my own money by then to look after myself financially. But if I'm senile and don't know how to pay my bills I'm not sure who can help me with that

OP posts:

happypoobum · 20/04/2018 16:50

I think it's a very strange view to see children as a source of old age care This is not something I have come across before.

Are you from Forrin OP or a non Western culture?

My plan is to send myself on my merry way when life gets too tedious. I certainly wouldn't foist myself on my children to look after if I am incapacitated.

Did you look after your own parents in old age? Are you expected to? How would you feel about that?

Glassofredandapackofcrisps · 20/04/2018 16:50

My grandmother should read this. A nightmare she is expects her kids to have a rota system to be with her. Sad thing is she could easy manage and even sadder they do it when she should be told to fuck off.

spidey66 · 20/04/2018 16:50

I'll be able to pay for my own care, having not given all my money to the (non existent) kids to pay for university or house deposit.

HTH x

PaintedHorizons · 20/04/2018 16:50

No OP - I have been caring for my parent. I do not under any circumstances want that for my child and have put things in place so that it does not happen.

No-one I know wants that or expects it

prettybird · 20/04/2018 16:51

The fact that the question could and should have equally well been addressed to men (it takes two to tango, unless you're the Virgin Mary ), "Childless Men, who will look after you in old age?"

But that sexism aside, I didn't have children because I wanted someone to look after me in my old age . Dh and I had ds because we wanted to share our lives with a new, joint being . If we'd been able to have another child, we would have.

I don't want ds to feel obligated to look after me when dh and I are in our 80s and he will only be in his 40s. Not does my dad (who is already 81) want db or me to feel obligated towards him. My mum died 6 years ago (today ), prematurely, due to a rare form of dementia brought on by an accident 5 years before that. It was horrible to watch - and yes, we did end up putting her into a home. But we'd had the conversations with both of them before the accident (and since the accident with my dad), so we knew what her wishes were.

ScreamingValenta · 20/04/2018 16:51

I'll be perfectly happy eking out an existence in filth and squalor, watching my marbles roll one by one down the drain, as long as I have at least 15 cats around me.

LondonElle · 20/04/2018 16:51

I think this thread is highly insensitive to people who are childless especially if they can’t have children... seems like another stick to beat them with!

MasonJar · 20/04/2018 16:52

I definitely wouldn't let my children look after me and have told them this.
Both me and DH have managed to save enough to see us out, if we need it. It means the children might not get much of an inheritance but they won't be expecting anything.
My mother and grandmother feel the same.
G'mother is 94 and lives in sheltered accomodation, doesn't need care but has things sorted if she ever does.

Charolais · 20/04/2018 16:55

It is not so much as ‘looking after you’ but enjoying their company.

I never even considered my children 'looking after me' in my old age when I had them. I just had them because of the strong instinct to reproduce. I had two. One son I cannot relate to at all but the other shares my interests, sense of humour etc. We really enjoy each other’s company. I never thought about that when he was a baby/child because I was too busy keeping them alive, healthy happy.

I know he will always have my best interests at heart and will make good decisions if he has to for my care, but I never want to burden him with ‘looking after me’. I love him too much for that.

Many years ago, back in 1970 when I lived in England still, I had an Indian friend who told me she wanted 10 children - all boys so they could look after her when she got old. It was a culture thing I guess.

JellyTeapot · 20/04/2018 16:58

I don't see it as my children's job to look after me, just as my parents don't expect me (hundreds of miles away) or my brother (thousands of miles away) to look after them. They're still fit and active but have taken steps to make sure they can remain as independent as possible for as long as possible - moved into a smaller single story property, planned financially and allocated power of attorney in case it's needed. I fully intend to do the same when I'm older so my children can lead their own lives without worrying about me. Hope they choose me a nice home when I'm senile though

EachandEveryone · 20/04/2018 16:58

Its totally cultural though isnt it? Im a nurse and all the African nurses drop everything for their elderly mothers. If you talk to them about retirement their plan is always to travel to stay with each child where ever they are in the world. On rotation. And they never worry about their future as the children will look after them. And, as far as i can tell, the children are happy to do so.

Jenasaurus · 20/04/2018 16:58

My mum, grandma, uncle all had alzeimers so I feel its likely I will get it one day myself. I have already told the children to put me in a home and not feel guilty about it (as long as they dont pop me in tomorrow!) I have no expectations they will look after me, even if they want to, thats not why had them.

My ExP (their father) said he had children to do the chores!!

prettybird · 20/04/2018 16:59

I do already have power of attorney (both financial and welfare) for my dad (only to be used if required) and fortunately, my parents had just sorted out respective powers of attorney for each other just before they went on the holiday where my mum had the accident.

boatyface - it might be worth considering if you have any friends or relatives who you trust who you could ask to agree to having power of attorney, so that if the worst were to happen, they/someone wouldn't have to go through the more expensive guardianship proceedings.

That way, you're making the decisions while you are still able.

Valanice1989 · 20/04/2018 17:00

I worked in a nursing home years ago. Trust me, having children is no guarantee that they'll take care of (or even visit) you in your old age :(

EventNotInData · 20/04/2018 17:01

I agree with deepdarkwinter that Dignitas (or the DIY equivalent) is often claimed semi-seriously to be a solution when of course it's pretty useless for Alzheimers and other dementia which is the main reason why the question of elder care comes into play.

speakout · 20/04/2018 17:01

but come on surely everyone with kids is hoping that their kids will WANT to look after them?

Big assumption.

I think very few people in this country have kids with that expectation.

It didn't enter my head when I decided to have children.

I have 53 cousins.

Not one of them looks after or even lives near a parent ( my aunts and uncles).

Blobbyweeble · 20/04/2018 17:01

I definitely do not want to be looked after by any of my children. I would much prefer to go into a home and have told my children this. They have promised to bring me gin.😂

Jenasaurus · 20/04/2018 17:02

Valanice1989 I agree with your comment. My mum is in a nursing home with alzeimers and cancer and my sister and I visit every week but there are some people in the home who never have visitors (and they do have children)

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/04/2018 17:03

Just a thought- everyone dies alone really. Even if there is someone with you to hold your hand, your death is experienced by you and you alone.
Lots of people even send their loved ones away when they feel their death is approaching, because they want to be left to die quietly and without worrying about causing distress. This was the case with my MIL, who adored my husband but sent him away so that he wouldn't have to witness her death.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 20/04/2018 17:04

I don't think Dignitas is a sad option, I wish we had that option here.

As it is, I plan to self-identify as a dog and take a taxi to the vet to be PTS.

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