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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
RoseWhiteTips · 19/04/2018 01:16

None of you knows anything about the hogger except that she made the OP fume.
That boring woman deserved to be told to shut up.

registeredtrademark · 19/04/2018 01:51

Ouch! She made kind gesture to you to go to coffee and you responded with unkindness. Whatever excuses or justifications, that at the base of it is what happened.

If someone said that to me, honestly I would have gone home and cried. Most people in life just want to be accepted, we all have personality flaws and traits that others don't like (some more than others).

Don't try and justify this to yourself or ask others to justify it.

In a world where you can be anything be kind.

JiminyBillyBob · 19/04/2018 01:54

See, I’ve got a friend like this and she drives me demented but if I said something I know she’d be ever so hurt.

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 02:11

Why do you pick on the OP's supposed unkindness registeredtrademark? What about the unkindness the convo-hog is showing others in her every interaction with their group? How does she get away with being so unkind where the person who simply points this out is criticised?

registeredtrademark · 19/04/2018 02:35

hipsterumlaut

So you advocate we all treat unkindness with unkindness. Is that your solution? This might work for you but it doesn't for me. In my experience you tend to get back in life what you give out

I don't like to be in the company with conversation hoggers myself. My solution would not be to humiliate them and destroy their self-esteem.

Some of the biggest conversation hoggers I know in a group situation, are completely different one-to-one. They can also be wonderful at breaking the ice when there is an awkward silence and getting a party started. We learn to work around them.

I can be very quiet in groups and do worry that people might think I am dull or boring in group situations. If I asked someone for coffee and they said 'sorry but I find you really hard work, you barely speak and its just so dull' - I would be destroyed.

Unfortunately we don't always come across the way we want to in life. A little kindness, tolerance and consideration can go a long way.

registeredtrademark · 19/04/2018 02:42

And from what I have read, this lady did not make any personal attack against the Op at any time. On the contrary, she invited the Op out for coffee. This to me is an open gesture of friendship. Not unkindness.

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 19/04/2018 02:45

I mean usually if we come across people we don't get along with we just don't make an effort at friendship. Avoid and look for friends elsewhere. I wouldn't insult the person.
Surely you could have just said you were busy and focused your efforts on other people in the group. Maybe take one of them aside instead and ask for a coffee.

CheeseyToast · 19/04/2018 02:56

Sounds as though both of you have very poor social skills.

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 03:05

No I don't advocate we treat unkindness with unkindness. But I believe that sometimes it's necessary to point out when others are being unkind so that they can change their behaviour for their own good and the good of those they interact with. That is what the OP did here. If it is devastating for hog to learn that she is behaving unkindly then my sympathy is limited. If you don't want people to think you're unkind, don't be unkind! Not complicated! And now she has this information she can make changes that will improve her life and the lives of everyone she comes into contact with. Yes it's awful to find out that others believe you're behaving badly but if you actually are behaving badly you have to suck it up and deal with these feelings then get on with changing your bad behaviour.

And I agree that some conversation hogs are better one on one but that doesn't excuse their behaviour in a group and doesn't mean the OP should have to give up more of her precious time to see if it's true in this case. Some of these new mothers have limited time off full time work to make new connections that will help them and their children in their lives. Why should they lose this opportunity?

Kindness, tolerance and consideration do go a long way but rudeness of this magnitude shouldn't have to be tolerated if the person or people on the receiving end don't want to tolerate it. We should all have the right to say "while I am a kind, tolerant and considerate person, I am not a doormat and it is completely unacceptable to treat me that way. I deserve better."

SpareASquare · 19/04/2018 03:05

I can tell she isn't a nervous chatterbox desperate to make friends, she exudes confidence

No, you can't tell. Especially after one month. Perhaps she isn't a 'nervous chatterbox' but you cannot possibly know that.

She was nice to you, you were nasty in return. She isn't the one with the problem OP. Was she getting too much attention from the others at YOUR group? Did she 'outshine' you?

She reached out to you. You were pointedly nasty. You could have declined without being so fucking rude.

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 03:08

I should add that I tolerate minor to moderate rudeness in almost every form, or seek to avoid it if possible. Major rudeness like this is an absolute no though.

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 03:13

She wasn't nice to the OP though SpareASquare - she has repeatedly cut her off, spoken over her and prevented her from having any input at all. She isn't inviting her for coffee because she wants to be nice to her - if she wanted to be nice to her she would treat her with the most basic levels of respect when they're together in the group. She is asking out of self interest.

Copperbonnet · 19/04/2018 04:00

I was raised that we should always ask ourselves 3 questions before speaking:

Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

It wasn’t kind OP.

And you will never be able to take it back or undo what you did to that woman.

You may find her rude and that’s fine, but you are still responsible for your own behaviour.

Tiredness is no excuse for cruelty.

We all have flaws. In your position I’d be examining my own right now.

greenyblue · 19/04/2018 05:09

I understand how you feel, OP, but think it was an unkind thing to say so bluntly. Perhaps you could have agreed and then made the point (politely) at coffee to give her a chance to let you speak - with the option of leaving.

Like others, I worry that I talk too much - I don't get the opportunity much - and perhaps she isn't as confident as you think. I wouldn't be able to look her in the face again, which would ruin any future groups she was at.

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 05:37

Why in God's name would the OP want to go to coffee with someone who behaves so poorly though greenyblue? And why are so many people concerned that this woman will now have a poor experience at future groups when she would be giving else the same poor experience at every future group if she'd been allowed to continue on as she'd been doing?

And lots of people don't get the chance to talk that much - maybe this group is their only shot all week to talk to other adults and one blabbermouth decides she'll take their time because she's more deserving of it than them? So effectively they go home again to another week of no adult interaction without having had the respite that they thought they'd get?

Namechangedname · 19/04/2018 05:50

It was harsh, OP, but I'd rather someone tell me to my face than have people talking behind me back. Good for you.

CatRen27 · 19/04/2018 05:55

Echoing pp, this was a really rude thing to say OP and you don't know her well enough to either tell her her shortcomings or be sure where they stem from.

A mum in my baby group was just like this, she drove me mad at first going on and on, but I gave her a chance and we're now firm friends. The endless talking came from insecurity, not knowing the other mums and making up for it by hogging conversations and being a know it all. Once she was comfortable in the group and we got to know each other, the balance was regained and no one was hogging the conversation as we had real life shit to talk about.

Poor woman I bet she's really hurt. I know that wasn't your intention necessarily but i think you owe her an apology.

Namechangedname · 19/04/2018 05:55

And, we have someone like this at work; it's all me, me, me.

You would say 'Morning, how are you?' Her response would be 'I'm fine'. And that would be the end of thar conversation Hmm.

But, on the plus side, she's hilarious and is a lovely person, if not, a little self-absorbed.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 07:04

Have manners and give an excuse. It's how society operates

Or... convo-hogger could learn how to pause and listen; it's how society operates...

I'm surprised how many posters are making excuses for the talker. Usually on MN if someone is consistently rude to you, you're allowed to be a bit assertive in response.

Granted, OP was a touch too assertive - but sounds like convo-hogger needs to be told things firmly as she's not great at listening...

I feel as if there are a lot of chatterboxes on this thread desperate to defend the conversation bore!

Topseyt · 19/04/2018 08:00

You were very hurtful and bitchy. There was no need for that. You don't seem bothered though, and you unfortunately seem to have your disciples here on this thread.

You could simply have made an excuse about why you couldn't go for coffee.

I'm glad you feel good about what you did. She was clearly hurt, and it was utterly nasty.

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 08:01

I think the problem is that the op massively lost the moral high ground when she was so rude. Convo hoggers can be boring or really entertaining depending on your perspective, (and the convo jogger in question of course). I think it’s a question of chemistry rather than a flaw. I’ve already mentioned, but I know at least one convo hogger who is one of my best friends. People always love him. I think if you get a convo hogger along with a person who takes seriously their right to be heard (like the op and some of the posters here) instead of people who find it entertaining, then you get a bit of a clash, (though even the op said she likes this woman’s anecdotes so Confused).

I think that’s why people find the op’s comments so rude. It’s not always rude to be a convo hogger. It’s a bit of a grey area. Responding to “would you like to go get a coffee” with “no I don’t because I find you x, y or z” is out and out rude and definitely socially awkward, at best.

I find all the weird applause for the op a bit lairy tbh. “Absolutely right mate. Bang on. Needs to be told love”. Ugh. Get some manners.

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 08:02

Get some manners... and some class .

Babyplaymat · 19/04/2018 08:04

You sound unpleasant tbh.

Snipples · 19/04/2018 08:12

OP I don't think what you said was that bad to be honest. And it certainly doesn't warrant the responses you've had here - possibly driving someone to suicide?! For the love of god people get a grip.

You made your point, hopefully she'll take the hint. Not knowing your child's name after a month is very rude of her and reeks of "me me me". I wouldn't have fancied a coffee with her either.

CornyCollins · 19/04/2018 08:17

Oh OP I know a couple of people like this, well done you!
I went out for dinner with a few school mums and one in particular just talked over me constantly and never let me finish a sentence, it was draining and infuriating. I ended up feeling like she just thought nothing I said was vaguely interesting and it was really unpleasant.

I genuinely think the art of listening is fading away! People are just revving up with their next sentence, unfortunately there isn’t really a nice way to point this out. With another friend who does the same thing I said “sorry can I just finish what I was saying” as she talked over me for the umpteenth time and she got all huffy for the rest of the afternoon and beyond.

Once you notice it you realise how many people do it. Constant interrupting is just plain bad manners.

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