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AIBU?

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Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 08:23

Tbf about the name though; there are a lot of Avas, Evas and Evies where I live. To say nothing of all the Ava-Maes, Eva-Maes and Evie-Maes. It’s quite easy to mix them up. It’s not like she’s calling her Catherine.

And what the op said was a massive gaff. Come on. Not that bad Hmm. I make massive gaffs too though. It’s hardly hanging offence. It’s much weirder that people are applauding her than that she made the gaff in the first place.

MadMags · 19/04/2018 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kmc1111 · 19/04/2018 08:25

Her reaction would suggest she’s isn’t at all confident, even if that’s how she comes across. It sounds like she took it about as well as a kick to the gut, and an ‘extremely confident’ person would not have that reaction, nor would a narcissist who’s intent on being the center of attention.

I think you were mean OP. It takes quite a bit of courage to ask someone if they want to be friends, which is what she was doing. It’s as nerve-wracking as asking someone on a date. She made herself vulnerable, and you took that as your opportunity to unload your grievances about her personality. There were far better times and ways to do that if you really felt you had to.

yorkshireyummymummy · 19/04/2018 08:26

You nasty piece of work.

SunnyCoco · 19/04/2018 08:46

This is really upsetting
It’s so easy to feel isolated and starved of adult company when you have young children, can’t we just try to accept each other’s flaws a little bit without deliberately being so intentionally hurtful?

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 08:52

People are being vile on here, and I think MadMags is possibly the worst.

You can't categorically say that the OP is not a nice person. That's vastly unfair.

The OP was a bit harsh to the talker, but she wasn't as bad as some people on here! Or is it ok if it's not face to face? Hmm

I don't see why OP should put up with unrelenting rudeness from the talker indefinitely. Some of you must have terrible conversational skills if you think it's ok to constantly talk over people, dominate every discussion and not even bother to learn people's names!

DidoAndHerLament · 19/04/2018 08:55

I admire how you handled this. All you did was tell her about your feelings. You didn't attack her, blame her, or criticise her. All you did was express how you feel about her. Which is fine. Actually it's much more than fine, it's authentic and assertive. If she felt hurt, those are her feelings and her responsibility to manage.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 08:56

Oh, people who pride themselves on their 'honesty'. Ugh. They all want a kick in the fucking head. The more smug you are about how honest and authentic and 'straight-talking' you are, the more other people are likely to percieve you as a bullying cunt.

OP may or may not be a bully - she may have spoken out of sleep-deprived irritation, which is not uncommon with small kids - but what she said, when she said it, was thoroughly nasty in the way that 'honest' people always are nasty.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 08:58

Oh, and anyone who tells me to 'listen, reflect, do the work' is going to regret it. For a long time.

MadMags · 19/04/2018 08:58

For the hard of thinking Confused

Nobody said talking over people is ok. In fact, posters have said they try not to do it but that anxiety makes them do it.

Based on anecdotal evidence there’s a very high chance that the hogger wasn’t intentionally rude.

OP was 100%, categorically, intentionally rude and is now more concerned with people hating her than the fact that she was unnecessarily unkind to someone who had the audacity to ask her to go for coffee.

And again; OP was unkind. Didn’t apologise. Is worried, not about the woman’s feelings but about what people think of her, and came back here making some (not funny) quip about being talked at because she has a couple of cheerleaders on the thread.

I think it’s a fair assumption that she’s unkind.

MadMags · 19/04/2018 09:01

I agree, SGB.

“Honest straight-talkers” here are the female equivalent of over-inflated, misogynistic cock measurers who are fans of “banter”.

KERALA1 · 19/04/2018 09:01

Christ most of us are annoying at some stage.

You just don't point this out to other people so brutally because its unkind. Whatever the rights and wrongs it just is.

Watch the film of the Jane Austen book Emma. Gwyneth Paltrow does exactly what you did at a picnic, tells an annoying but well meaning woman she is annoying. The hero afterwards says "badly done Emma, badly done". Its a turning point in the film for her becoming a better person. Holds true now.

PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 09:02

MadMags has it.

Hogger is socially awkward (and people have a right not to want to socialise with her as a result. Though I wonder what response she'd get if she posted on here saying she knows she does it but she struggles to stop because she has anxiety.).

But OP is actively unkind and uncaring.

PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 09:04

I never met a self-described 'straight talker' who wasn't actually just rude, tactless and completely lacking in social awareness. Occasionally a bully too.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 19/04/2018 09:04

I actually think that was really mean and nasty, OP, and I can't believe the other posters cheering you on. She was probably looking for some friendship and solidarity in a mummy group - and she certainly didn't get that from you, did she? She must feel so hurt, and I doubt she feels she can turn up to another meet up, so probably very alone now too. Well done you and your mean girls cheerleading squad.

I can be like this when I first get to know people. I get very tigger-like because I love meeting new people and building friendships. I'm actually quite sensitive though and I'm always worried people won't like me. I'm aware of it so I try to keep a lid on it but sometimes my mouth still runs away with me. It tends to calm down once I get to know people better but we'll never know if that's the case with this woman will we? I would be so hurt and upset if someone said what you said to me - especially because you were so blunt and made no effort to be kind or soften the blow. I hope someone does this to you one day so you know how it feels.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 09:04

Hogger is socially awkward

How could you possibly know that?

The80sweregreat · 19/04/2018 09:06

It was rude, but we have all met these types of people and at least you were being honest and not just going along with her suggestions/ meet ups and not enjoying them. I am a coward and just grin and bear this behaviour and try to bring out the best in them ( if i can) but if that doesnt work then i quietly drop or dont engage that much over time. At something like a baby group this is easier to do and you can avoid people you dont like much. You are very blunt- some will see it as a strength and some just being horrible.

EllaLavella · 19/04/2018 09:06

People who talk over others incessantly are fucking irritating. I went on a Hen Weekend a couple of years ago and one woman talked loudly over everyone else for the whole weekend. Even when we were all sitting around a table eating a meal she would dominate and if anyone tried to chat in little sub groups she'd repeatedly call their name to get them to listen to her! It was exhausting! Plus nothing she said was interesting anyway, it was all just drivel and the same stories over and over again.

OP, I think the woman sounds really rude and draining. The fact that she couldn't even be bothered to say your daughter's correct name after several weeks speaks volumes about the type of person that she is. She doesn't actually want to know anyone else's child's name or anything about anyone else. It's all about her!

Having said that, there is no way I'd have been as upfront as you were with someone that I wasn't very close friends with and whom I hadn't known for a long time. I'd have just distanced myself from her at the baby group sessions after a couple of weeks once I'd got to see what type of personality she was, and would have just given an excuse if she'd asked me for coffee.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 09:07

KERALA

Miss Bates is a poor, disadvantaged spinster to Emma's rich heiress... And she's not a conversation-hogger! She witters on yes, but she doesn't a) interrupt or b) talk over people, ever.

Bad comparison.

prideofaberdeen · 19/04/2018 09:12

I hope the OP has the balls to come back to this thread and tell us how things are at the next baby group. I'd love to know if the lady in question even turned up, and if she did, did she change her behaviour? I'm really shocked at how many people on here think that the OP's comment was ok.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 09:14

rude, tactless and completely lacking in social awareness seems to describe most conversation-hoggers to me, not the people struggling to get a word in edge-ways.

I myself am definitely NOT a straight-talker. I'd make an excuse if I didn't want coffee with someone. Wouldn't stop me being a bit pleased if someone like OP told the resident David Brent "everyone be amused by me" character to take a back seat...

Interesting that some of the people suggsting OP is a bully or whatever are threatening to fucking kick people in the head Confused

Marmablade · 19/04/2018 09:17

I am a conversation hogger and I have to actively tell myself (in my head) to shut up. I don't talk over people I just chat chat chat. I would welcome this to remind myself of the impact it has on others when I'm thinking about the next thing to say.

OP yes it was quite blunt but it was the truth. Perhaps when you next see her apologise if you hurt her feelings and you hope you can chat with her equally in future. I'd certainly appreciate that tact.

Babyplaymat · 19/04/2018 09:17

What is really sad is that the OP isn't genuinely asking if she was being unreasonable, she is happy with what she did and wants some cheerleaders. And of course people will oblige, because online everyone likes a little drama and perceived social justice when in real life, the majority of us tend to be a bit more sensitive or expose ourselves as utter bitches.

SunwheretheFareyou · 19/04/2018 09:19

I was certainly all out of whack after babies, forgot how to socialise had awful things going on at home.. Suddenly cut off from social aspect at work, hard to meet usual friends with baby on weekends.. I went the other way though, more shy and awkward.

It's been hellish slog. But one woman at nct loved herself and wasn't shy at all, told is all early on about dad's business and how he has to travel, how she was raised in a very large house and was very confident about constantly putting down other people's choices, where to meet with babies, what to wean on..

Babyplaymat · 19/04/2018 09:19

I never met a self-described 'straight talker' who wasn't actually just rude, tactless and completely lacking in social awareness. Occasionally a bully too.

Agreed.

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