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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 18/04/2018 23:07

Your response was rude, I think you know that.

I know several people like her and it is exhausting. So I do agree with you about it.

But I would have just said no thank you

KreigersClones · 18/04/2018 23:11

zzzzzz.
You clearly don’t think you’re being unreasonable, so why even post here?
Next time you want your pat on the back, and chirrups of how ‘awesome’ you are, and how you’re so and so’s ‘hero’, put it in chat or something.

2andcountingtodate · 18/04/2018 23:12

I think also if you had declined and she had bull dozed still you would have been reassured and confident in your blunt response.

immortalmarble · 18/04/2018 23:16

I think you were horribly and inexcusably rude to be honest.

Efrig · 18/04/2018 23:21

People tend to talk at me. I don’t even bother responding verbally any more because they don’t want to hear what I have to say. I just nod and smile whilst they whitter on and on. It’s quite a miserable thing to have to tolerate and it makes me feel unhappy. I’d love for someone to listen to me for a change.

Ladybirdbookworm · 18/04/2018 23:28

That's just horrible .....you sound proud of yourself .....you also sound like a right clever shite

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/04/2018 23:32

I don’t think honesty is rude unless it’s actually rudely phrased.

OP just told the absolute truth which is very brave and may actually help this woman make friends in future.

I bloody hope someone would tell me if I was like this because it’s a twatty way to be.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/04/2018 23:34

Its rude to constantly talk over someone. Really rude. And entitled.

Wondering if all the posters who are so outraged are the kind who never draw breath and never, ever ask questions.

You know, self obsessed, dull as fuck and draining.

SunwheretheFareyou · 18/04/2018 23:40

I think it's you did the right thing in one sense but I also feel if you can, apologise to her and say you had a tough night.

I don't think I'm a hogger but my goodness I lost all sense of anything when babies were born born so far out comfort zone, social zone.. Other massive pressures in personal life I couldn't wouldn't tell people just met it was a nightmare.. Ie give her a break..

The thing is if she told anyone it's also you who sounds like the bitch and the one people may avoid..

Thebirthdayparty · 18/04/2018 23:42

Have only read the first two pages but I think what you said, although truthful, was hurtful. Maybe the next time you see her, you could explain that you were very tired from the baby and you didn't mean to to hurt her?

SuckingEggs · 18/04/2018 23:42

Maybe the other mum was tired and exhausted and fuelled by coffee.

Fucking hell, you should apologise. You sound really rude. You could have said no, and that would be that.

SunwheretheFareyou · 18/04/2018 23:42

The thing is it's just occurred to me I had one of these two in baby group.. She loved herself though and was quite rude

Mrstwiddle · 18/04/2018 23:42

Harsh but fair. I have a colleague like this, and it’s gotten to the point where no one in the department can start a conversation with anyone else because she will always interrupt and take over :(

Mrstwiddle · 18/04/2018 23:44

And you may well have done her a favour in the long run. Better to know if you irritate people than not!

prideofaberdeen · 19/04/2018 00:01

I really hope she's as confident as you suggest OP. Then she'll just feel a bit put out by your directness and move on. If she isn't, then your comment will have cut really deep. A simple "no thanks" would have been fine. Then next time she's hogging a convo and she interrupts you, you say POLITELY "hold on a sec, let me finish please".
However rude you think she is, you can bet she thinks you're a hell of a lot ruder. And you were.

willstarttomorrow · 19/04/2018 00:02

Just to add to my previous post. I am a shy and chatter a lot. But one of my good qualities is that I am kind. Life is shit for lots of people (my view is biased a bit because I work with people with really shit lives). Being nice and kind takes little effort and makes a massive difference. Try it, they feel better and so do you.

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 00:06

If only convo-hog was reading your advice willstarttomorrow but sadly I doubt she is.

tigerrun · 19/04/2018 00:11

Incredibly rude. You don’t know why she is like that - could be insecure, could be ADHD, could be tons of things.

She was being nice, inclusive and friendly & that response was pure nasty, no need for it. You should apologise for being so mean, although if you said that to me I’d give you a permanent wide berth.

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 00:16

She is like that tigerrun because she clearly thinks it's acceptable on some level. If she didn't she wouldn't do it, regardless of ADHD, anxiety etc. Why shouldn't she be asked to apologise to the group for her repeated rudeness in how she treats them?

allchangenochange · 19/04/2018 00:27

mykingdom I think honesty can be very rude. Comments about weight are often thought to be rude even if perfectly true. I have had to explain to my DC when small than commenting on people's appearance for example is often seen as rude, as is people being smelly or very short.
Pointing out people's flaws when they haven't asked you to do so is rude. The women just asked for a coffee date with another new mum. It wouldn't be rude in an appraisal at work when discussing peer relationships, context counts for a lot.

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 00:32

Her weight doesn't have any negative impact on anyone else in this situation though allchangenochange whereas her behaviour is having a negative impact on everyone. The OP has just offered a polite explanation as to why that means she won't be having coffee with her. Hopefully it will make her reconsider her behaviour so the rest of the group can enjoy their time together more.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/04/2018 00:41

What hipster said. It’s not a personal comment about something irrelevant to anyone else like her weight, it’s honest feedback on her interaction with the world around her.

As I said - I would want to be told if I was like this. It would have a negative impact on me and my friends. If I get fat I don’t need to be told that!

LemonysSnicket · 19/04/2018 00:43

Wow, I did this a lot when I was 13/14 , my mum soon showed me how embarrassing I was. Maybe arrange to go out with a few others?

Or, be clear and next time she cuts you off say, ‘sorryX , I don’t mean to be rude but I wasn’t actually quite fin she’d speaking’

LemonysSnicket · 19/04/2018 00:47

Should’ve RTFT

Well done OP

hipsterumlaut · 19/04/2018 01:12

It's pretty hard to cut these people off though, I've found, with a "sorry, but I hadn't finished speaking". If they've had a lot of experience cutting people off then they'll usually bulldoze you again! :)