Conversation hogger!

[Banoffeematernity]

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

Goldenbear was that to me?

The thing is, in my own situation, the negative effect was mostly on me - in a group, no one is massively offended if you are the quiet one. By contrast, convo-hogger makes life harder for those other mums trying to establish themselves in the group. And her "flaw" is, by definition, one of lack of reflection (otherwise she'd, surely, be able to work out/imagine how others are affected by hrt behaviour).

So it's not really comparable.

Tbh if people haven't worked out how to do "give and take" in conversation by the time they reach adulthood, they really do need a heads-up.

Christ, my 7 yr old already knows that it's rude not to pause after holding the floor for several minutes. Conversation needs boundaries.

*I feel like I do this to people sometimes blush I don’t mean to, and I always beat myself up afterwards if I feel like I have done but sometimes I get so excited about things that are going on and it all just comes out of my mouth. It’s certainly not that I’m not interested in other people.

I hope you were a bit nicer to her than it sounds, nobody’s perfect. If you said that to me, it’s something I’d never forget*

This is me as well. I try not to and have gotten better. I would have been hurt too.

I have a guy at work like this. Drives me nuts especially when I’m having a conversation with one of the other guys who doesn’t talk too often so I feel like we are having a good conversation but the other guy just upinterrupts and then we end up on a completeley unrelated topic.
It is exhausting so you are not being unreasonable.

I talk too much. I am incredibly shy however as an adult I have learnt to manage this to the extent that I am probably an one of these overy chatty people that OP finds so frustrating. My job is reliant on conversation and building relationships and I am very good at it and can be assertive when needed. Only those very close to me would know that I am anxious in social situations.I would be devestated OP if someone was that blunt and it would prey on my mind for years.

There could be loads of reasons she does it. She could genuinely be a conversation hogger. Or she could have a number of issues causing her to be this way. Which is why it would have been kind to bring it up in a sensitive, kind way.
I can tell she isn't a nervous chatterbox desperate to make friends, she exudes confidence you can't tell at all. People think this about me but I have to mentally prepare for all conversations and have panic attacks due to anxiety.

I think you were really rude and unkind.
Some people have social anxiety or are very nervous- which can manifest as constant chatter. I hope she’s ok.
Regardless a sensitive word to make her aware would’ve been far more appropriate than what you said

And I slso know people who present as very confident, who are suffering with significant mental health problems and low self esteem

Have to disagree with most of what you've said Hipster. For all we know..this could be her mechanism for dealing with social anxiety or whatever and I know others have said this also so bla bla... They've only been going for a month so that's what..4 times if it's a once a week thing. Everyone is still getting to know one another..break away groups form, there are other baby groups or more informal house held coffee mornings. Its not the be all or end all..the rudeness this woman suffered is shocking. and it's certainly not right that someone who hardly knows her takes it upon themselves to point out her flaws.

I get it's annoying would annoy me too. But you just don't speak to people like that. Silent non contributors piss me off but cannot imagine saying " carol you are really dull I hate that I have to make all the effort buck up please"

You were very rude. You seem assertive enough to have simply declined the invitation. There was no need to put the boot in.

YADNBU There’s a big difference between nervous chatter that maybe stems from social anxiety and someone who completely dominates the conversation, shows no interest in anyone else and talks over other people, which stems from arrogance I think. I have a couple of friends like this and have never plucked up the courage to tell them.

Plenty of posters still committed to the idea that the hogger is just nervous? Based on zero evidence

I imagine her more as a kind of David Brent figure (equally plausible based on zero evidence).

Now, you could certainly argue that Brent's constant "entertaining" anecdotes/streams of consciousness/ need to dominate every conversation come from a place of insecurity. But, boy, does that man need a stern talking to.

Some people are just very focused on themselves and uninterested in acting on the usual social clues.

*cues

Being talked over is shit. She needs to know this. And if any of you are guilty of the same please know that you come across as if you think you are more interesting than the rest of us. And you probably aren't. It makes the person you are talking over feel inferior. So personally i think good on you if it gives her a moment of introspection

Maybe next time you see her, you could apologise for being blunt, giving your grumpy baby as a reason, then invite her for coffee.

Treating others poorly is not a good mechanism for dealing with social anxiety though queen and if it's the only one you have you really shouldn't impose yourself on other people. I mean the "general you" here obviously. Work on your manners before joining groups like these!

And people can't get to know each other at all with someone like this in the group - it isn't always possible to form breakaway groups and how many people are going to invite others for coffee if they haven't had the chance to find out if they get on or not on account of convo-hog taking all the talk time?

All the OP did was tell this rude person how their rude behaviour made her feel (and likely made others feel). She didn't say anything beyond that. I don't think that's unreasonable. Most flaws shouldn't be pointed out as they have minimal impact on others. This flaw has a major impact on everyone else in the group. It shouldn't be the responsibility of all other group members to put up with a substandard experience so one rude person gets to keep on being rude for ever more without consequence.

Spot on wally

I know two people like that, it's funny when they try to talk at each other. They look at each other with shock and outrage. They are not anxious or shy at all.
If I was like them I'd want to know. Coming from some random person at a baby group would be better than coming from a close friend.

I think you were brave and maybe you have done her a favour in the long run? I know people like this and they are utterly draining and - unsurprisingly - friendless - everyone avoids them at all costs. I 'manage' a few at work but as they are volunteers it is quite difficult to deal directly with their non stop diatribe - always about themselves - surely people have some self awareness and must know that they are totally dominating the conversation? .

Wow. You were rude. There were better ways to deal with that.

Wow, how could you be so blunt and rude? Have manners and give an excuse, its how society operates.

Poor woman, if she is anything like me she'll be mithering about this for the rest of her life! She will also rightly avoid you and may not be able to return to a group she was enjoying. Who knows what is going on behind her closed doors.

Please don't do it again.

Goldenbear - saying "I don't want to have coffee with you because your rude behaviour makes me feel bad" does not amount to a character assassination.

I think you did the right thing, op.

I know a few people like that and it is exhausting, annoying, frustrating and they are rude.

If she is rude, at least now she knows how she comes across. Why should op hold her tongue and suffer in silence?

And all those who would have given a better reply, what would you have said?

We all need self-awareness.

Her chattering would annoy me but i would have just said no thank you. If she then pressed and didnt stop trying to change my mind then i would have been honest. But not for a first time. Espdcially not as youve been in the same group only a month. Unless its a daily group thats not that long. Was this a repeat ask with you saying no? Its understable then imo.

Otherwise it does seem rude, honesty yes but said in a way that would upset most people and worry them. If i heard your words and her chatter, well i wouldnt want to socialise with her but between the two of you it would be your words that put me off more. Especially as i have found those who tell it how it is or are very blunt really dont like it done back to them.