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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 21:51

Iamyourequal Whatever ! but I can't stand people condoning rudeness..it's outrageous. I'm not horrible but this verbal attack on the play group mum is !

hipsterumlaut · 18/04/2018 21:54

But you're completely condoning the rudeness of convo-hog woman though queen. Why is her type of rudeness ok but the OP saying "actually, I don't condone your behaviour so I'm not going to subject myself to coffee with you" not?

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 18/04/2018 21:55

OP could have just said ‘no, I’m sorry we are busy’

MildredHubble88 · 18/04/2018 21:57

Sometimes I do this, especially if I don't know people very well. I just get nervous and talk too much, it's not that I don't care about the other person at all. As I get more relaxed I do it less.
Bit harsh, but good that you said what you feel I suppose.

bobstersmum · 18/04/2018 21:57

Maybe she's nervous? I know someone who is terribly nervous and talks non stop in these situations as she can't bear silence, she is lovely and not like that when you get to know her! She would be absolutely gutted and mortified if you said what you said to her.

dayswithaY · 18/04/2018 22:00

The point is she didn't need to be so cutting in her response - a simple no thanks and then you can all move on, so she's not your cup of tea but others may not feel the same about her. You can bet your life she will be telling all the other Mums about how you upset her and they may now be judging you.

PoorYorick · 18/04/2018 22:02

I think you were unkind.

MildredHubble88 · 18/04/2018 22:02

All in all, I think it's said more about you OP than it has about her. If I was friends with her and she told me you'd said this to her, I wouldn't go to your group anymore as I'd be wondering what you were thinking of me too.

Ellendegeneres · 18/04/2018 22:05

My own mother used to mock me for being a chatterbox.
I’d get carried away if something interesting had happened or a topic I was passionate about came up, but then one day my mum said to me ‘Ellen, don’t you ever get bored of the sound of your own voice? Nobody wants to hear what you’ve got to say so stop.’

Now I’m told I’m too quiet. My friends that knew me back then think I’m depressed because I’m not lively anymore, my newer friends think I’m quiet(!)

What my mum will never realise is her words, 7+ years ago have impacted who I am. I thought everyone must hate me and think me rude and uninterested in them- but my closest friends tell me they miss that version of me.

I get you’re tired and annoyed she can’t remember your child’s name, but I worry about the impact of your words

lololove · 18/04/2018 22:05

My mum does it but it's for two reasons 1) she's incredibly deaf and due to a wax problem rarely wears her hearing aids and 2) she's so socially awkward that she just talksandtalksandtalkstalks and because she can't hear she talks over people as well as talking so much because she's nervous.

hipsterumlaut · 18/04/2018 22:05

But they can't all "move on" dayswithaY - it would have gone back to the same dynamic with one person assuming it was her god given right to take all the talk time at everyone else's expense. And so what if she was nervous (although the OP keeps repeating that this isn't the case). I get really nervous in social situations too but I don't think it gives me the right to act like a dick.

Allmyshilldren · 18/04/2018 22:08

You both sound awful. This is why I haven’t joined any baby groups.

Carouselfish · 18/04/2018 22:09

I know a couple of people like this. It IS exhausting, but they are really goodhearted people who would do anything for you and are usually just short of people to talk to so it all tends to pour forth. Just keep other friends for doing your talking to. Different friends bring different things to your life and you to theirs. I think it was rude of you, OP. You could have said no without telling her her flaws.

hipsterumlaut · 18/04/2018 22:09

Ellen - the OP didn't tell convo-hog anything nearly as rude as what your mother told you and nobody has said that they aren't interested in anything this woman has to say. They just think she should recognise that other people and their opinions are just as important as hers are and should be given equal time, as far as that is possible in a group conversation.

Your mother was cruel to say what she said but it shouldn't be a choice of one extreme or the other - the middle ground is what works for everyone.

allchangenochange · 18/04/2018 22:09

You must know that this was rude. It was also mean. There are many truths that could be spoken that aren't because they are hurtful, part of growing up is learning what these are.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 22:10

hipster The convo hog woman was not being intentionally rude. That is probably the way she is. Op has admitted she was riled prob due to lack of sleep but this is no excuse to be so blatently offensive and ill mannered. Ok.. maybe she could have just said "thanks for the offer convo hogger (obv using real name..say 'Pam' )but I will let you know if I get some free time" or something like that and then OP never has to have anything to do with her again.

Goldenbear · 18/04/2018 22:10

Given your 'female socialisation'? Really? Or did you mean to say, 'given your socialisation' as character assassinations on someone you have limited interaction with and have only known for a month is not usually deemed admirable behaviour within society. I would personally consider my socialisation a success if it stopped me behaving in that way.

AnxiousPeg · 18/04/2018 22:14

Wow, posters have gone to town on the "inventing new details that you couldn't possibly know" vibe!

So we're taking it as read that the conversation-hogger is anxious or socially awkward, rather than the eminently more likely "just likes the sound of her own voice"??

I don't understand people who claim they absolutely can't stand rudeness, yet completely tolerate this one specific sort of rudeness (presumably because they do it too?)

I have suffered more than my fair share of social awkwardness over the years. In me, it manifested in quietness- I'd be desperate to find a way into the conversation but absolutely could not do the interrupting/talking over that OP's conversation-hogger does. So I'd have been screwed in a group with her. And it IS rude to be that person, especially if you are so self-absorbed that you don't for a second consider that other people around you are struggling and need ways in. Totally ignorant and oblivious.

I had to work on my issues and found they improved. Why does convo- hogger just get to stay like that because "that's just her personality"?

Ellendegeneres · 18/04/2018 22:17

hipster I realise that, but what I was trying to demonstrate was how one person making an assessment of your character to your face (and finding you lacking) can leave you feeling rotten.
I’m fully aware that what my mother said was deeply unkind and more reflective of her own personality, I would just hope that op maybe gives the woman a chance (if they see one another again) to show she can listen and absorb things about others too.

It was a painful experience for me, although I am certain I was never as bad as the woman described by the op

Goldenbear · 18/04/2018 22:18

So did someone you barely know point out your character flaws and you dutifully went and fixed your personality on their say so or did you work on them after a bit of self reflection?

KERALA1 · 18/04/2018 22:19

Yes it's annoying and socially inept but cannot believe what you said. Unkind and quite . She'll never forget it. That's one bridge you've burned. You do realise you are likely to overlap with this woman on the parent circuit for the next 18 years? School mums, brownies, class drinks etc etc.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 22:20

ellen You hope the op gives the other woman a chance to prove that she can absorb things about others too !! How fucking patronising !

hipsterumlaut · 18/04/2018 22:20

It doesn't matter if she was intentionally rude or not though queen, rudeness is rudeness and has a large negative impact on other peoples' lives. What if some of the other women there suffer from social anxiety or nervousness and are thinking what if nobody there finds me worth speaking to or listening to? and then they go along and this woman basically confirms their fears and insecurities with her behaviour that says god, you lot are dull, no point in letting you finish your sentence, I doubt it will be interesting and what I have to say is clearly far more important?

And if someone has reached adulthood without being aware that they are behaving in such an appalling manner then I really think it is for the best if someone points out that their poor behaviour is not without negative consequences for other people.

hipsterumlaut · 18/04/2018 22:21

OP does have to have loads to do with her again though as she goes to the same baby/toddler group. And clearly ruins what could be a really positive experience for many of the other people there.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 22:22

Kerala She prob does realise but doesn't give a shit !

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