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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:

cosytoaster · 18/04/2018 21:34

I quite like being talked at sometimes. Small talk is hugely difficult for me, and I don't always feel up to it. I know someone who can make conversation about the most inconsequential things and I am slightly agog at the ability

Me too, I love a chatterbox, the ability to just talk on and on fascinates me!

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 21:35

Rosewhitetips What are you on about ? You don't know how the woman is feeling right now. Prob mortified ! New Year has made a viable point ! You just seem to quite unpleasant.

Goldenbear · 18/04/2018 21:35

So what are your faults OP? We are all a combination of flaws and virtues. TBH I would think anyone who spoke to someone like that in my company was a complete narcissist. It is not a virtue and I'm not sure why it is being applauded by some on this thread.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 21:36

*to be

Barbie222 · 18/04/2018 21:36

She might genuinely not have had much self awareness till now, but she also might be anxious or have asd and find social situations hard. Unfortunately being told what you are like doesn't mean you can suddenly change. This is one of those situations where I'd have gone for a white lie.

Yumyumpigs · 18/04/2018 21:36

I wouldn't worry about hiw horribly rude you were op. Doubt she'll come back to you're little group.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 21:36

Goldenbear Spot on !

TigerTown · 18/04/2018 21:36

Bitchy comment OP. People who do these are usually insecure and lonely underneath, and the exudes confidence thing is show. Sure, you don’t have to hang out with her if it’s draining, but you didn’t need to be so mean about it (and I am normally an advocate of say it like it is!!)

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 18/04/2018 21:37

flubdub Hope so too. Can remember times when ds6 was very small when DH was at work on days that he was my only company. I think that these groups are so vital for women with small babies and I hope that the woman also realises that all people in them aren’t like OP.

dayswithaY · 18/04/2018 21:38

Wow lots of intolerant people around. OP wasn't doing this woman a favour by correcting her behaviour - presumably she's an adult and this is her personality type so she's not suddenly going to shut up based on an unkind remark. I hope the woman in question finds some friends who appreciate her instead of joyless critics.

FannyFaceAche · 18/04/2018 21:38

Wait, I read this back. So OP it's your group? So basically you were jealous that this woman was taking over your group by being a bit chatty? You wanted to rule the roost cos it's your group but she wasn't letting you get your own way?

Slow handicap for you. How mean and now she probably won't be back and you've ruined her chance to make some friends. I hope she's ok, shame on you for being so harsh, you could've held back a bit. There's honestly but that was just mean and unnecessary.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 18/04/2018 21:39

I also hope she tells the other mums how rude you were too.

Choosegopse · 18/04/2018 21:40

Wow, you were so rude. She probably went off to cry. Not everyone is great socially and you never know what is going on in other people’s lives. She might well be annoying but do you really need to reject her like that?

DanceDisaster · 18/04/2018 21:41

There’s definitely some weird blood lust on display here. “They are the rude ones and need to be told the truth” . Oh great. I bet that attitude goes down well at playgroups. You know who liked to pick on people’s flaws and decide they had to be confronted about them until they were satisfied the ‘perpetrators’ had been adequately punished, when I was at school? The bullies.

tailsiwin · 18/04/2018 21:41

You were unkind. Even if she is at fault dominating conversations, you don’t have licence to be rude and unkind. Not even when you’re sleep deprived. (And you know that she won’t know you’re particularly sleep deprived, right?!)

It’s fine to be rude and unkind if you want to be. You don’t have to be polite and nice all the time. But just make sure you understand that you chose to be rude and unkind. Own it. That is something you can now know about yourself: you’re nice to some people, nice in some circumstances, but you’re unpleasant to other people when circumstances suit you.

I hope she’s not too crushed and I also hope she has the confidence to continue to meet up with the other people in your group. Nobody deserves to be lonely, particularly not new mothers, or even if their social skills are lacking. I hope she’s ok.

iamyourequal · 18/04/2018 21:41

Thequeenisdeadboys

Don’t tell me to F off. What a cheek.
Your response to my post is plain nasty and totally OTT. You sound horrible.

Ohyesiam · 18/04/2018 21:42

But if I was doing something that was a barrier to people wanting to spend time with me, I’d want to know.

Thequeenisdeadboys · 18/04/2018 21:44

I hope the woman in question finds some friends who appreciate her instead of joyless critics. Hoooray for posters with sense and good attitudes ! Nice one days

Justletitlie · 18/04/2018 21:45

for dinosaur with the ‘friend’ who rang her the night before her mother’s funeral, to talk about a bloke.

Also had to have a good ol’ Laugh at summer who made the obligatory ‘you’re jealous’ Post, which by law has to appear on each thread. For the record, the OP is definitely not fucking jealous the whole tone of her post tells us that. She is contemptuous.

I put up with this from one of the mother’s of dd’s friends at school. She just steam-rollered her way through every supposed exchange.

If you were feeling persistent and raised your voice slightly, in the hope she’s finally shut the fuck up, she raised her voice to be even louder, to talk over yours.
She also did this weird eye-closing thing at the same time. In a sort of I-will-be-heard-and-you-be-quiet, absolutely determined fashion.

Luckily for me she decided she didn’t want to be my ‘friend’ anymore, and it’s only afterwards I realised that I felt totally exhausted around her anyway.
She’s found a group of people who do most of their conversing online (Facebook).
They can probably put up with her because they don’t have to physically listen to her.

midnightmisssuki · 18/04/2018 21:48

oh dear OP - i know what that;s like (being spoken over) but you didnt have to be so rude to her - IMO you were ruder in your response. Sorry!

Original poster

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 21:48

monkeychickenpig it's my DD name she gets wrong repeatedly wrong. So no effort to even learn my baby's name.

I did explain in my OP how utterly exhausted I was from the previous night?But I guess I get no slack for that. All I wanted was a bit of social interaction to lift my spirits not to be continually barked at and interrupted.

OP posts:

FrozenMargarita17 · 18/04/2018 21:48

I'm one of these I think :( sometimes I don't get to talk to another adult apart from my unappreciative Dh for days so when I see someone else I just blah blah blah because I never get to talk to anyone. I always feel a bit bad after and I do try to contain myself too!

donquixotedelamancha · 18/04/2018 21:48

I assume that was the point. Surely nobody is so aggressive to acquaintances unless they want to bully them out of the group?

But if I was doing something that was a barrier to people wanting to spend time with me, I’d want to know.

Rudely? From a stranger?

hipsterumlaut · 18/04/2018 21:49

Bravo OP - the kind of rudeness and unpleasantness this woman was displaying on a regular basis is not ok and I think it was actually a good thing that you called her out on this. Maybe things will improve for the whole group now and you will get to know some of the other people better. People who talk over other people and hog the conversation are really saying "I am more important than you and what I have to say is more important than what you have to say". There is nothing rude about saying, "um, no, I won't be treated like that thank you very much". Although given my female socialisation I would probably feel bad after saying it and generally don't have the guts to say these things in the first place.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2018 21:51

Well, that's that problem dealt with.

You were very rude but you got the result you wanted.

I hope everyone always treats you so kindly...

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