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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 18/04/2018 21:08

I have a colleague exactly like this and it takes every ounce of my self restraint not to tell her she's a self-obsessed nightmare. I don't tell her that because I know that her endless self-centred waffle comes from anxiety. She's like a coiled spring and she's more than a bit obsessive, I suspect an underlying ed issue as well and much as I would love to scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" at her I just smile and zone out because she'd be crushed. I'm making a rod for my own back but she's rejected by other people who just get to the end of their rope and it bothers me to think I might add to her already obvious mh issues.

You got the job done, op, but with the tact and diplomacy of a house brick to the face.

Rainbunny · 18/04/2018 21:08

I'd be interested to see how your next baby group get-together goes! Well you spoke the truth and mission certainly accomplished in that she won't likely ever speak to you again but you'll need to be prepared for others in the group to have heard about what you said from her...

Arcadia · 18/04/2018 21:09

I have to admit I am a hogger, very chatty and excitable at times. I think it is a bit unfair however to speak to her like this, she may be better one on one than in a group? She may be trying to hard to be interesting/entertaining and not at ease with herself. I have realised that I get worse if I am anxious. It is equally hard maybe to be around someone very quiet where you have to do all the 'work' so it is a very personal thing. Some people would love to sit back and listen to her anecdotes!
I think it was a bit thoughtless of you and she is probably now upset. A simple 'I am busy/tired' would have given a similar message but less blunt.

ILoveDolly · 18/04/2018 21:09

Generally these sort of behaviours are ingrained and quite often nerves or anxiety. She probably knows she talks at people. I expect her partner has told her and she probably hates it. But some thing's are very hard to change as you have to be on watch yourself to catch it happening and its exhausting especially if you are already socially anxious. I bet she cried at home. You don't have to go for coffee but this level of truthbomb is unkind

Winifredgoose10 · 18/04/2018 21:10

She may be a conversation hogger, but you don’t sound at all kind. You said you felt like calling her back not because you felt bad that she would be so upset, but because you don’t like people disliking you?!? She may hog conversations, but this sound pretty self absorbed to me. Imagine how hurt she’d have been.

monkeychickenpig · 18/04/2018 21:10

I hope you haven't put her off socialising

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 18/04/2018 21:11

Tbh I’d be surprised if she returns. What you said was rather mean, you could have just said no and left it at that.

Cantusethatname · 18/04/2018 21:11

I quite like not having to think of anything to say. It's relaxing.

sonjadog · 18/04/2018 21:12

You were very unkind and have probably really hurt her feelings. Maybe she does talk too much there are ways to mention it and yours is not nice way to say it. Maybe she is very lonely and has been looking for a friend, and thought you seemed nice? I guess you proved her wrong on that one. Hopefully she won't take your comments too much to heart.

flubdub · 18/04/2018 21:13

Ooh OUCH!
I agree, maybe she needed to be told, but I would be really hurt by that.

Maybe just message her and apologise, because that way, you've still said it and she might get the hint, but you've apologised for what you said as well.

bonnyshide · 18/04/2018 21:15

She probably talks too much when she's nervous and was trying to make a good impression, she reached out to you because she wanted to get to know you better. To be perfectly honest you have been a bitch to this woman.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 21:15

I can tell she isn't a nervous chatterbox desperate to make friends, she exudes confidence. I could probably tell you everything she's done over the last 12months but she can't even get my baby's name right (it's Eva not Ava!).

My comment came from a place of utter exhaustion from lack of sleep the night before.

dogsmom maybe you're right and she can find someone nicer to talk at... I mean to.

OP posts:
shooshoopoopoo · 18/04/2018 21:16

Oh dear. How awlful for that poor woman. I am like her and have only in the last few months become aware of it. I never did it deliberately, but I feel socially awkward (you wouldn't guess itthough) and struggle to fit in. Now i realise it, it has dented my confidence and i am probably far less talkative and much more awkward as a result.

I am sorry to say it but have my first mumsnet 'You sound vile'

athingthateveryoneneeds · 18/04/2018 21:16

I quite like being talked at sometimes. Small talk is hugely difficult for me, and I don't always feel up to it. I know someone who can make conversation about the most inconsequential things and I am slightly agog at the ability; I really can't come up with anything to say unless it's something controversial or political which doesn't really belong in baby groups!

I do hope her feelings weren't hurt, though. You probably could have worded things better or not said anything at all. Do unto others and all that.

kaitlinktm · 18/04/2018 21:17

She will be upset - how could she not be after such a put-down, but you must have intended that she feel this way - anyone would feel the same. However, if you don't like her and don't want to spend any more time with her then it won't bother you.

RoseWhiteTips · 18/04/2018 21:17

Put her off socialising? Good. Gives other people a chance to speak.Hmm

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 18/04/2018 21:17

Tbh those comments in your reply were also extremely bitchy too. You’ll have so much fun on the school run and get a lovely reputation for yourself.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 18/04/2018 21:18

You do know you could have just said no thank you? Did you have to be so rude? So she’s a conversation hog, hardly the crime of the century. You were spiteful and I’d rather go for a coffee with her than you.

dinosaursandtea · 18/04/2018 21:18

Presumably she’s an adult, so she’s had a while to be aware of it and to try and change. I had a friend like that - called me the night before my mother’s funeral to talk about a guy she fancied for an HOUR without asking me how I was - and I ended the friendship eventually. Best to head these things off at the pass.

GnotherGnu · 18/04/2018 21:18

Of course it was rude, and you intended it to be. Why not just say no?

RoseWhiteTips · 18/04/2018 21:18

People who are “socially awkward” are usually quiet and shy. What new breed of social awkwardness is this?

bonnyshide · 18/04/2018 21:19

You’ll have so much fun on the school run and get a lovely reputation for yourself

Yes this ^

KTheGrey · 18/04/2018 21:19

Fair play, Banoffee.

I too find it indescribably taxing when somebody talks at me with no interest in interaction. There's a massive gulf between a friend and a listening service.

donquixotedelamancha · 18/04/2018 21:19

"I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted."

I'm not sure the word polite means what you think it means.

Could you maybe leave it a fortnight, invite her for coffee and, if she agrees, see if she has listened to what you said and lets you speak?

I think this lass would have to be pretty pathetic to accept such an invitation. Why would you spend time with a relative stranger who was so rude and hostile?

Arseface · 18/04/2018 21:19

I also think you were cruel to dump this on her when she’d just asked you for a coffee.
Her response is telling and I’ll bet it took a fair bit of courage to suggest meeting up outside the group.

This is the kind of thing that needs to come from a friend, who knows her situation and the reasons she might be behaving like that, from a place of kindness, not anger.