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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
RLOU88 · 21/04/2018 00:24

Nope, you were plain old nasty. Then you posted it on here for attention and laughs. I hope your OP is exaggerated because I know who I would rather not be friends with and it isn’t the conversation “hogger”

KeepServingTheDrinks · 21/04/2018 00:26

I've been reading this thread since it was only a couple of pages long, and haven't contributed (until now) because I wasn't sure how to phrase what I was thinking, but I think (thank you lots of Wine on a Friday night) that I've got it now....

Firstly, my trigger to commenting was Myimaginarycathasfleas's comment a few pages ago. But TheMadHugger (sorry if I've got your name wrong) picked up on it and referenced it. I've cut n pasted it at the bottom of this post for info.

I thought it was really good advice.

Most PPs are saying that rather than being as blunt as you were, you should have lied or made an excuse about the offer of coffee with C.H.
I've been struggling with this ever since the first post suggested it. I find that a VERY passive aggressive response. And very dishonest. And, also, leaves you open to repeat offers where you have to lie or be PA again and again.
And I find it strange. Because in the years I've been on here (not that long, only 3 or 4), generally the approach to be taken is encouraged to be honest with people; be straight; name the problem. There are a gazillion posts on here along the lines of "help... the same boring person keeps asking me to go for a coffee, I can't stand her and don't want to go, what should I do?" and the answer is ALWAYS to be straight... "I'm not busy, I just don't want to go for a coffee with you"

Where are all the head tilts and the direct stares on this thread?

OP, I'm with the minority on this thread who doesn't think you've done a terrible thing.
I hope neither you nor she stops going to the group if you both find it useful. And I hope you'll both find a way through this.
And (because I'm on here), I obvs hope you'll come back and let us know how it goes.

I like the sincere-but-not-withdrawing-what-I-said apology that I referenced at the start (soooo much better than the PA "I'm sorry if you're upset non-apology).

And after 3 days or so, I'm finally coming off the fence to say that I support you, and I think most of the posters on here are taking a stance I disagree with. And some of their posts are downright nasty (whilst they post about how much nicer they are than you!)

“I’m sorry, I was rude the other day. I’m just exhausted so my patience is a bit thin. I do appreciate the invitation but I’m not the best company at the moment.”
You haven’t backtracked but you will sound sincere and a bit kinder.

Loore · 21/04/2018 00:31

OP you were a bit rude, but you won't know how she's taken it until you see her. I've a few friends that your comments would wash right off of, they are confident in themselves and if you don't want to spend time with them so be it. They just figure you are not one of their people and move on. If it were me I'd be inclined to text her before the next meet up and say I'm really sorry for the way I spoke to you, I was tired and not thinking straight, it was uncalled for.

In your OP you asked for self defence on dealing with conversation hoggers. I find that that if interrupted just a firm "excuse me conversation hogger" (obviously insert name) is sufficient to make them realise they've talked over you.

Spudina · 21/04/2018 00:44

Wow, that was harsh. I talk too much when I get nervous, so probably did that all the time at the baby groups I went to, as I was a nervous wreck with post natal depression. If someone had said that to me, I would have been crushed. I wouldn't have dared go back ever again in case people were talking about me, and it would have really damaged my already poor mental health, to have not met any friends. Or she could be a lot tougher than me and totally not been bothered. I guess you will find out.

bbpp · 21/04/2018 00:56

I'm practically mute, so this has not 'hit in a nerve' in that I also hog conversation, but the thought of someone trying to make friends and being told 'no, you're exhausting' breaks my heart.

Butting in, dominating conversations etc. is irritating and rude but it's not purposefully so. It's being excited, nervous, oblivious. Someone who does this could be the nicest person in the world.

Telling someone you find them 'exhausting' during a critical rant after they invited you somewhere is so bloody mean. I just keep picturing myself at the receiving end of that and it makes me want to lock myself away forever. The fact you'd say that to someone, and then wanted to backtrack not because you felt bad but for your own self--interest says a truck load about you.

Agree with pps that those who usually clash with hoggers are hoggers themselves.

SickofThomasTheTank · 21/04/2018 01:08

@NellythePink You think the OP should apologise for being honest and not lying? Wow

helacells · 21/04/2018 01:22

Well done, some people are completely oblivious and you will prob see a positive change in her behavior. You did her a favor

Copperbonnet · 21/04/2018 02:49

you will prob see a positive change in her behaviour

Do you think so Hela? Hmm

One harsh comment and a basic personality trait will be changed overnight?

That’s really not how this stuff works.

gemgemgemgemgem · 21/04/2018 05:30

Wow, I think you were mean. She’s probably gagging for adult conversation. There’s honestly and then there’s being a bit cruel.

daisychain01 · 21/04/2018 05:54

I’m sorry, I was rude the other day. I’m just exhausted so my patience is a bit thin. I do appreciate the invitation but I’m not the best company at the moment.

I don't think it will make any difference saying this the damage is already done, you can't un-say something once you've said it.

charlestonchaplin · 21/04/2018 06:23

Some people are just self-centred. Probably more of those than the nervous overtalkers. And it is usually quite obvious who falls into which camp. The nervous overtalker who isn't self-centred will recognise what they are doing from time to time and pull back. 'Oh sorry, you were saying...', 'Sorry. Go ahead' etc.

People can be generally nice people but still be selfish conversationalists. OP wasn't nasty. She was honest in a blunt fashion not a nasty way. Honest can hurt but that doesn't mean it is wrong to be honest. OP could and probably should have softened the delivery. In fact going by this thread, considering the number of selfish snowflakes out there (I did say snowflakes), it would probably have been best to tackle the problem in a different way.

Itscolderoutside · 21/04/2018 06:41

Have you considered that this person might be different in one to one conversation to the way she behaves in a group? If not, I do know people like this and if some of what they say is interesting and they have good intentions, I just enjoy them for how they are. I have other quieter friends too, and others where the balance is more equal. Different conversational styles bring a different energy - it can be a bit draining but it takes all types! However, you were merely a bit irritated by her snd in return you have deeply upset her. YABU in my view.

daisychain01 · 21/04/2018 07:23

Behaviour like this can be deeply engrained since childhood. People who come from big families with lots of siblings having to compete for attention find themselves hogging the limelight as a reaction to that feeling of " Nobody is paying attention to me so I have to 'shout louder' than them to be noticed".

Understanding this can help to be more patient.

aeromint · 21/04/2018 07:26

Sometimes MN can be absolutely nuts.

There is a thread that's going on right now in AIBU, about a young man saying 'I hate cats, if I am not f'king or eat them, I can't stand them" or something like that and the OP of that post replied back saying 'Oh may be that's why you are so f'king boring then." MN response? Bravo.

It boggles my mind how it makes it okay for her to do that but not for OP in this post to put it honestly to a chatterbox??

GnotherGnu · 21/04/2018 07:34

In the cat case, the comment was a response to a young man intruding into someone else's conversation without invitation just to say something obnoxious which he regarded as clever/funny.

In this case, the woman asked OP if she'd like to meet up for a coffee.

Can you see the difference, aeromint?

KERALA1 · 21/04/2018 08:32

Two totally different scenarios elicit a different response. Who'd have thunk it?

supersop60 · 21/04/2018 08:52

I have skimmed the thread. My DH is like this, and no amount of asking him to stop and listen to somebody else has made a difference. It's like the voice in his head is louder than anything else.
OP bravo for speaking your mind and escaping a difficult person. HOWEVER - you might find that all the other friends will react differently to you, and you might have to eat some humble pie.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 21/04/2018 09:10

Offering to fuck a cat and offering a coffee are hardly comparable.

PoorYorick · 21/04/2018 09:25

Offering to fuck a cat and offering a coffee are hardly comparable.

Comment of the DECADE.

aeromint · 21/04/2018 09:33

Nope. We are talking about similar situations. A chatterbox who does not know the right etiquette/boundaries w.r.to having a conversation and a OP who responded back with their true thoughts.

frogsoup · 21/04/2018 09:58

"We are talking about similar situations. A chatterbox who does not know the right etiquette/boundaries w.r.to having a conversation and a OP who responded back with their true thoughts."

This blows my mind. The woman had asked her out for a coffee!!! The woman may be loud and annoying in general, but in this particular conversation she was being unambiguously friendly, and the only person who ignored boundaries and etiquette was the OP.

PoorYorick · 21/04/2018 10:00

A chatterbox is not at all comparable to someone who butts into somebody else's conversation with a vulgar remark about fucking animals. What the hell kind of social circles do you move in???

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 21/04/2018 10:25

Haven't read to the end but FWIW I am a nervous chatterbox and nobody would know. I also have a brain issue and am shocking at retaining new information. I don't think a month in to a baby group I would have remembered anyone's name, especially when I hadn't been sleeping brilliantly.

I think it's one thing to be truthful but it's quite another to be unkind. I don't think fatigue excuses unkindness in that situation at all.

I'm hopefully late to the table and this is already done but you most certainly owe her an apology, even if you don't want to be her friend.

charlestonchaplin · 21/04/2018 10:51

An apology for saying, 'I don't think you're interested in anything I have to say and find conversations with you a battle'? I think for many of you disingenuity has become a way of life. You call it politeness and manners. How would we assess you as a person if we heard what you have to say behind a person's back? It makes you lesser not better if you happily slate someone behind their back, as many of you undoubtedly do, rather than addressing issues, gently, to their faces.

Scrumymum · 21/04/2018 11:41

I totally feel for you OP. You've made it clear that this woman exudes confidence, and I think you have done her a favour of telling her she dominates conversations. She obviously had no idea beforehand, so my guess is that she is now mulling over her recent interactions with people.

My oldest friend is a CH and it is getting worse. Due to us moving to different areas we only see each other twice a year at best. I saw her last month, drove 1.5 hours with my kids to see her, spent 3 hours listening to everything about her. Not once did she ask me how I was/how is work/how are the kids etc. Like a PP I started many sentences and she would just cut me off and start talking about something she had done!! I then drove home and for another 1.5 hour car ride wondering why I am still friends with her..... If I had the guts to say she is a CH I would, but we have been friends to too long.....