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Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
SleightOfMind · 20/04/2018 18:17

She is unintentionally rude and irritating. You were intentionally rude and cruel.

I know who I’d rather be friends with.

anniegranny · 20/04/2018 18:29

I do think if she doesn’t realise she’s doing it you might have hurt her feelings, perhaps you were a little too blunt?

MalcolmFucker · 20/04/2018 18:49

I have a friend that is like this in groups of people, comes across as very confident too, she isn't though.

I find people like this are much better one-on-one generally.

Yes she was being a pain but I bet she's fucking mortified now after being told off. No one is perfect and unless she was being intentionally horrible to you then you are way out of order.

52FestiveRoad · 20/04/2018 18:50

I love people who talk to much because I am an introvert and bad at conversation so I let them get on with it, which they love me for in turn as they get the chance to talk! So it could be that plenty of people find her a good friend, she is not your cup of tea but I hope you have not caused her to lose all her confidence.
It is a diverse world and no one is perfect so the trick is to rub along together the best you can, tolerating other peoples faults the way I am sure they tolerate yours. I think you overstepped with your comments and I can't imagine how hurt she must have been.

Bzrb · 20/04/2018 18:53

I’m like this. I talk. A lot. I get nervous and I want people to like me. I talk fast and sometimes get my words muddled. I try and relate people’s stories to me in an attempt to build a connection. I talk a lot about myself because it’s the only thing I really have to talk about I get nervous in social situations and sometimes inappropriate because of a brain injury. I have damaged the part of my brain that knows when to stop or when to shut up. I lost a lot of friends because of the way my behaviours changed.
The fact she didn’t argue with you after you said that to her means she’s probably socially nervous like I am. I think if you’d spoken to me like that I’d be crushed. I doubt you meant it in a nasty way but I also think you could have worded it nicely or in fact given her a chance. I know that’s what I want. I miss my friends and I’m very lonely without them. I hope this lady comes back to your group and makes more understanding friends or can find friends in a different group.

rOsie80 · 20/04/2018 19:21

I th

Rockhopper10 · 20/04/2018 19:22

I'm sad to say that I'm a conversation hogger. I can't seem to help it. I know I shouldn't do it, but can't seem to reign it in. It's very annoying, even to me, and I try and stop it (not always successfully). Personally, I'd rather someone told me this, in the way you did.

Sure, it would hurt, but at least I could then try and change my ways.

Jenwen22 · 20/04/2018 19:36

I understand why the OP got sick of being talked at, as it isn't very nice, but the bluntness you used probably crushed her. A bit of tact and diplomacy goes a long way, and blunt, personal honesty I find hurts peoplep

Havana7 · 20/04/2018 19:48

That was a bit harsh.....she might not see many people in the day so likes to talk a bit

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 20/04/2018 19:50

Sorry, but that’s very mean. She may be nervous and if that’s the case you’ll have exacerbated that by 100%!

PoorYorick · 20/04/2018 19:55

Rockhopper, why do you need someone to tell you, in very unkind terms to boot, when you already know?

Sparklyhousedust · 20/04/2018 20:19

*She is unintentionally rude and irritating. You were intentionally rude and cruel.

I know who I’d rather be friends with.*

Agree. Incredibly poor manners OP. On purpose.Confused

lapun34 · 20/04/2018 20:24

I think this chatty woman may have been lonely and anxious. She talks a lot because she is probably nervous and is desperate for friendship. I do not think you handled it very well at all. You have damaged her srlf confidence even more by your dismissive attitude. Maybe you could seek het out and apologise.

LimonViola · 20/04/2018 20:38

Going against the grain a little here. But I'd happily have a friend who was assertive enough to challenge someone on their rude behaviour, especially when it's affecting other mums in the group as well as OP. I'd absolutely rather be friends with somebody like that than a conversation hogger. OP has done this woman a favour even if it stung to hear the truth.

There's a possibility other mums in the group might be thankful it's been raised if it enables them to have a better time in the group because this lady has been made aware and can change her behaviour.

Smithy01 · 20/04/2018 20:40

Well this is some thread! Convo hoggers are annoying (though again I think a lot of people including myself have done this for various reasons) But two wrongs don’t make a right and being so rude and hurtful has made you look the worst of the pair of you. - sorry but true!

Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 20:41

But I'd happily have a friend who was assertive enough to challenge someone on their rude behaviour, especially when it's affecting other mums in the group as well as OP

Affecting them how exactly? Yes she's annoying, I get that. But probably so are you, this is grown up life not the playground.

Bzrb · 20/04/2018 20:45

If it was me in that situation and people were having an issue with my behaviour I’d rather they took me to one side (out for coffee maybe!?) and just told me that some people have mentioned this and maybe it’s something I could work on. Like I said, I have issues and I’ve been on the end of a very blunt, rude outburst and it’s probably one of the worst feelings where you just sit and think ‘f**k’

LimonViola · 20/04/2018 21:02

Tea, from the OP:

Just to clarify this isn't my group, it's a group I joined about a month ago. I happily listen to others talk, but find it frustrating that I know a lot less about the other mums than this particular mum, because during group or one-on-one chats with other mums she continually steamrolls in with little regard to the others.

I'm taking the OP at her word, since it's unhelpful to doubt her, that she has witnessed this person doing the same to other people at the ground as she is to her. And it must be pretty severe for it to be so bad the OP instantly declined an invite for coffee with this as her stated reason.

Yes, I'm sure I am annoying at times too! If I was annoying to the extent that someone couldn't bear to see me one on one because of my behaviour in a group I was part of, I would want to know. This lady may not have wanted to know, but it's still fine for OP to express how her actions are affecting her.

Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 21:11

Yeah OK, but then you are clearly self confident. The lady in question quite possibly isn't and didn't indicate that she wanted such feedback. Tbh I'd personally take the view of people in a group found me that annoying then clearly it was the wrong group for me. I'd look elsewhere for friends personally rather than wanting 'feedback' to try and fit in with people who didn't like me. But we're all different.

Nettie1964 · 20/04/2018 21:32

Make a stand. I had a friend like that for 20 years. She couldn't actually name my sister. I knew everything about her tho.

Lookatmeimsandradeeee · 20/04/2018 22:57

Christ I feel awful for the other person. Haven’t RTFT but hope somewhere there’s an update that she’s okay - ‘conversation hoggers’ are generally that way because they’re primarily lonely or really insecure. If you didn’t want to have coffee with her all you had to do was say ‘No’. Perfectly simple. Perfectly succinct. You had no need to make her feel like an absolute sack of shit in the process.

Tistheseason17 · 20/04/2018 23:01

I met a really fun lady at the weekend. Total verbal diarrhoea, interrupted, talked over. Turns out she had ADHD and was using coping mechanisms and still could not stop herself. It would have been easy to not understand, but it was a massive issue for her to go out.im not saying this woman had ADHD but if you're kind in your feedback you may discover more.
I could not have been mean to her. I'd just choose not to spend time with her if I didn't like her. I'm not the conversation police...

rOsie80 · 20/04/2018 23:09

I get the feeling OP knows in her heart of hearts she would never have been so blunt had she not been overtired. It's one thing to try and correct someone's behaviour with their interests at heart, but quite another to let rip cos you're fed up. Sure the women in question is a pain, but no good comes from being unkind, like someone else said, OP would not have looked good to anyone overhearing the exchange. Wonder if any of the PP bigging up OP for being so honest would've done it themselves; if not, why not? Perhaps too afraid for appearing like a*rs and losing face - that seems like hypocrisy anyway...

Mumto2two · 20/04/2018 23:52

I agree some people who are like this don’t realise, and are better one to one, but there are some who are definitely even worse, and you feel like you’ve had the life blood sucked out of you after half an hour in their company. I know someone like this, and it’s impossible to speak about anything...other than HER. Forget trying to get three words in, she will undercut, overshoot..and just simply cut you dead..to keep on talking, about herself. I don’t think I could be quite so direct though..I’m still learning the art of discreet avoidance!

Lilyfleur · 21/04/2018 00:15

Sleight
This ''She is unintentionally rude and irritating. You were intentionally rude and cruel. I know who I’d rather be friends with.''

Totally agree with you