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AIBU?

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Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 20/04/2018 07:59

Simply put Banoffee, 'I'm sorry, but...' isn't an apology. It's shorthand for I'd like to stop feeling bad now, but I'm going to make sure I ram my point home again because what matters to me most is that you hear what I'm saying.

Hernameisdeborah · 20/04/2018 08:08

I'm with you OP, I don't mind chatty people at all, provided they have some self awareness and interest in others' lives but convo hogger sounds self absorbed and sees other people only as there to talk at, as if it's her duty to bless them with her interesting and hilarious family tales.
That's just a guess based on my own experiences of this sort of person though. Utimately, you know her, we don't.
I think an apology for being less than diplomatic in your response is the right thing to do, but you only described how her behaviour affects you. You didn't say she was a horrible person. I think the people on the thread giving you the most criticism may be conversation hoggers themselves and you've hit a nerve.

KERALA1 · 20/04/2018 08:47

Ahem. I am NOT a conversation hogger Hmm

I just hold the opinion that stating what is annoying about an acquaintance, to their face, at a mother and baby support group is over harsh. Wouldn't matter what the "offence" was, being too loud, too quiet, wrong hair. Its cruel to say that to an individual. Which is why most people don't. OP has and has asked if people think this is ok. Lots of us think it isn't. That does not mean we are conversation hoggers ourselves.

Topseyt · 20/04/2018 09:04

I'm no conversation higher either. Hmm

I can be too quiet if anything. On what is your "suspicion" based, hername?

Topseyt · 20/04/2018 09:05

Hogger, not higher. Stupid auto-correct.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 20/04/2018 09:24

I think OP you know that you could have dealt with this differently. I also think trying to apologise for the way you handled it would be a good idea, for your own mental energy apart from anything else.

That being said, I have a conversation hogger in my life - family so unfortunately can't always just escape - and my god she is without doubt the rudest, most entitled person I have ever come across. She rides roughshod over everyone else and it is not social anxiety. It's down to her upbringing, which has led her to believe she's the centre of the universe. If she was someone I could easily cut out, I'd run screaming in the other direction.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/04/2018 09:41

I'm not a conversation hogger infact I am quite the opposite. I don't like talking about myself. If someone asks me how I am or what I've been up to I say fine and then turn it round to them.

I obviously don't like people that are rude though and interrupt other people when they're trying to say something but I think there are certain ways of stamping this out, like carrying on talking or putting your hand up slightly and saying " sorry I've not finished speaking " etc.

You don't have to be hurtful or spiteful.

RoadToRivendell · 20/04/2018 10:10

I just hold the opinion that stating what is annoying about an acquaintance, to their face, at a mother and baby support group is over harsh.

This is not a 'support group'.

snash12 · 20/04/2018 10:38

I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted

These people need telling OP. Why should the fact that conversations with her are a battle that leave you exhausted should be ignored so she can blab at you for 2 hours to spare her feelings.

I have someone at work like this, I don't generally start conversations with her now because after my initial sentence I'm talked at for 30 minutes about stuff she has probably told me before.

Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 10:49

Hmmmmm she's probably struggling, lacks confidence and is over compensating. I think bridged have already been burnt tbh and she is likely to steer well clear of you from now on. There isn't much point in apologising because you obviously meant what you said, you find her annoying. I think you were brutal and insensitive tbh but then I really hate upsetting people who don't mean badly.

Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 10:53

I think the people on the thread giving you the most criticism may be conversation hoggers themselves and you've hit a nerve.

No, I try to concentrate on the good in people rather than picking on the one annoying aspect of their personality. I sit opposite someone like this at work, she is a lovely person though. Probably someone finds all of you annoying for some reason, but it isn't the playground. None of us are perfect, we all have our flaws.

RoadToRivendell · 20/04/2018 10:59

A tendency towards monologues is an overarching flaw that shadows every interaction. It's a fatal flaw, if you will.

I can deal with quite a lot of annoying personality traits, and I am more than aware that I have many of my own. If someone can't talk, though, how do you move on from that?

BettyBaggins · 20/04/2018 11:04

I can only presume that the people saying you are awful are also insensitive over talking time leeches, or the have learnt infinite patience from the dalai lama Wink

Namechange128 · 20/04/2018 11:05

What a cruel thing to say. I have a friend who is a conversation hogger, especially when meeting new people - but also one of the kindest people I know. As a quieter person it can be a bit exhausting and I've said before 'wait! I wanted to say something!', but nothing like this.
Agree with pps that bridges are burnt now and just hope that she actually was rude and selfish, and not just chatty, so at least she wasn't a totally innocent party here.

PasDeDeux · 20/04/2018 11:09

I genuinely think that the people getting het up and defensive about the convo hogger are like that in real life! Whereas quieter people like myself have sympathy with the OP who REALLY was not that rude!! She didnt swear at the woman or call her names, she was just HONEST and I think its about time this woman was told straight that actually she isnt as interesting as she thinks she is. Hey ho.

Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 11:10

A tendency towards monologues is an overarching flaw that shadows every interaction. It's a fatal flaw, if you will.

What utter rot

Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 11:12

I think its about time this woman was told straight that actually she isnt as interesting as she thinks she is. Hey ho.

You get that people behave like this because they lack confidence?

PasDeDeux · 20/04/2018 11:14

The problem is, the people that I know definitely do not lack confidence they just love to talk about themselves in punishing detail to anyone that will listen. OPs convo hogger sounds just the same, from the way shes described her.

Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 11:17

I don't think you can tell that easily if it a cover up for lack of confidence. The OP hasn't known this woman for long, they've both just had babies.

TheMaddHugger · 20/04/2018 11:24

Myimaginarycathasfleas Fri 20-Apr-18 07:56:34
How about

“I’m sorry, I was rude the other day. I’m just exhausted so my patience is a bit thin. I do appreciate the invitation but I’m not the best company at the moment.”

You haven’t backtracked but you will sound sincere and a bit kinder.

^^ I like this
KERALA1 · 20/04/2018 11:31

So PasdeDeux you would feel fine if someone said "I don't want to join you for coffee. You are quiet, and I find you abit dull. If you want people to enjoy your company you need to pep yourself up abit. See you round".

You'd shrug and go home unperturbed. Really? Because I would be fucking gutted!

Dogsmom · 20/04/2018 11:38

I stood up for the hogger earlier and am very awkward in social situations and always a quiet member of any group, I'm certainly not a hogger.

What the majority of people are ignoring is the fact op judged her and insulted her after only 4 weeks, there's no way she could know her well enough after meeting her 4 times to know if she was self absorbed or self conscious.

Even if she is over bearing who made OP the personality police? Groups of people will always have a mix of those who range from shy to confident and there's a place for everyone.

In my post natal group there's a hogger who isn't the slightest bit shy, I don't particularly enjoy her company so I'd decline any 1 on 1 invitations politely, another two members of the group regularly go on holiday with her so they obviously don't mind.

I really hope the woman who was insulted reads this and knows that me and many others hope she's ok and that one rude person shouldn't stop her returning to group.

IrmaFayLear · 20/04/2018 11:38

I am the last conversation hogger in the world, and do indeed get irritated and exhausted by always knowing the life and times of other people when they barely know my name.

But... to tell someone a home truth like that... eek! The acid test is whether this woman dares turn up at the baby group again. If she does I guess she’s got a good enough hide. If not, the if I were the OP I might send a (bit of a) grovelling text/message. If someone running a baby group told me I was boring/annoying/hideous I would leave the county in case I ever bumped into them again.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/04/2018 11:41

I can only presume that the people saying you are awful are also insensitive over talking time leeches, or the have learnt infinite patience from the dalai lama wink

Nope. I've just learnt how to deal with them that doesn't include being a twat Wink

PasDeDeux · 20/04/2018 11:56

Kerala I do see your point and of course id be a bit upset, but I don't think it's quite the same.. Being quiet is much less of a social offence than being a conversational narcissist! And in this situation the OP is quiet by proxy as she cant get a word in! Whilst this woman might not fall under this category and it might be because she has 'confidence issues' as people keep saying, I think she probably does fall under the former category (these people do exist! There are people out there who think the sun shines out their arse!) and I bet nobody has ever had the gall to call her out on it until now. I am interested to see how this pans out. I don't want the woman to have hurt feelings but hopefully she is now aware that she needs to stop for breath and let others speak? Which can only be a good thing.

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