Conversation hogger!

[Banoffeematernity]

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

Some seriously nasty pieces of work on this thread

I would include yourself in that list Tabby. Evidenced by;

• Convo hogger repeatedly interrupts, ignores other mums input
• OP refuses coffee invite and expresses her feelings to convo hogger in rude and hurtful way

= OP is rude, self centred, arrogant and deserves to be ganged up on/exiled...presumably so convo hogger can get back to interrupting/ignoring other mums?

Says a lot about your character that not only do you advocate but you would get pleasure out of some skewed form of revenge. I'd say that fits the description of a nasty piece of work.

However, I have taken on board the views of the more balanced PP and as I have said I will make the effort at the next session to apologise. In fact I am aiming to arrive early so I can catch a quiet moment before we head in.

You were fucking rude, dear...not me. And you don’t give any sort of shit that you may have hurt the woman just that YOU don’t like feeling “hated”.

Don’t worry, most people have manners (unlike you) so you are unlikely to be ganged up on...but it would serve you right.

In fact I am aiming to arrive early so I can catch a quiet moment before we head in.

Good on you OP. I think that would be the kindest thing to do.

Tabby I wasn't rude to you dear I was rude to convo hogger. However, you were rude to me....and your justification is?

And if she's not there, OP?

Thanks Pink despite what many think I do feel bad for hurting her feelings and wish to make amends.

I do find it crazy how this one incident has spiralled into other posters imagining all types of scenarios of a lonely, anxious, possibly suicidal chatterbox cruely targeted by this evil, obnoxious OP. These scenarios therefore justify their bullying behaviour, cruel comments and insinuations I am a negligent mother. Whilst they maintain the moral high ground and their words are above scrutiny.

MN is a crazy place sometimes

Oh my goodness OP! She may be the conversation hogger, but you r the selfish one. How rude. She asked you for a coffee, which was lovely of her, and you were unnecessarily horrible back. I think she's the one who's got a lucky escape. I'm pretty sure you are not perfect either (although you sound like you think you are)

OP I probably am you...little patience for people who rattle on about themselves constantly. I'm rather 👊 about you saying so, I usually stay quiet until the rattler gets the idea. I'm quietly impressed with your straight forwardnress tbh

Oh and don't make the assumption that just because you don't like this person 'hogging the conversation' that everyone else hates it too, because it may well not be true. I personally like people who chat a lot as I prefer to listen. In this scenario I expect I'd be drawn more to this so called 'conversation hogger' who's chatty and kind, than to you.

OP I made my small comment many pages ago and hope that you make your apology and you both can co-exist in the group without too much tension. I guess we will see.

@Banoffeematernity ((((((Hugs)))))))

"What's wrong with me apologizing for hurting her feelings but asking her to be mindful of other people's feelings? I don't see that as putting the boot in. Or does everyone's feelings not count? Can't we all learn to better ourselves, or should we just stfu, and let everyone get on with being domineering/trodden on for fear of offending?"

If you do this in a sensitive way it may actually work. You are obviously concerned about this situation or you wouldn't be here posting.

I think if you approach her next time and ask if you could have a second and take her to one side. Say you have been feeling absolutely terrible about what you said to her last week and that you were exhausted and irritable and what you said and how you said were unforgivable. Say that you have been feeling frustrated about not being heard in the group, and sometimes feel that other quieter members of the group are also not being heard and what you said was borne out of this sense of frustration. If she is willing to give you another chance, you would like to start again.

If you say something like this she should get the message. Her intentions should be revealed by how she responds to this.

OP Given the nature of what you said and how you said it I’m not sure you are necessarily going to be able to clear the slate with a quick apology.

I think that you might need to prepare yourself for a couple of different situations at your next meeting:

That she’s not there.

That she’s not there but has told the people who are there about your exchange.

That she’s there but doesn’t want to accept (or possibly even hear) your apology.

That she’s there and has told other people about your exchange and they are annoyed on her behalf (they won’t necessarily mention it of course, not to your face at least).

If you are planning to speak to her alone be very careful how you do it.

You are not going to endear yourself to anyone if the session starts with a longstanding member in tears.

Even if other people agree that she’s annoying I think few people in real
life would agree with your approach.

Be very careful you don’t burn your bridges. You are going to have to deal with these women at school gates, extracurricular activities and in the local community for years.

Even if she graciously accepts your apology I’m afraid you might be regretting this incident for a long time to come.

What's wrong with me apologizing for hurting her feelings but asking her to be mindful of other people's feelings?

Nothing wrong with apologies but asking her to be mindful? I'm not sure why it's your business.

As I've said twice already, IMO , unless someone asks me my opinion, it isn't my business to go telling people how I think they should be/act.

I honestly can't envision a scenario where it would be appropriate to butt in , unasked, and speak my truth in a non violent situation

Yep, some nasty pieces of work in this thread! Can't believe how many people are saying OP was hurtful and rude, I guess she was expected to say no to the talker gently and kindly while the other person moves on to victimise some other poor sod. Because God forbid people are direct and honest, oh no that's not done, it's better they stew inside and be nonconfrontational for the sake of being nice and normal.

OP, please ignore all the crazy comments. You did nothing wrong and in fact I think you have done a massive favour to this woman, you told her she talks too much - WHICH SHE DOES - and hopefully, if she has brains in her head, she will realise that and stop hogging conversations from now on, which is a win win situation for all. Yes, truth hurts, but all truths do, and let's not shoot the messenger here.

Adults who err cannot be excused just because they are parents or successful people or whatever, they still need to be pointed out their flaws by those who get affected by them. And for the argument that it's not OP's place to call her out, bollocks - then who's place is that? OP had every right to tell her that, as a potential victim (for want of a better word) of this talker's ignorance of her own faults.

And yes, I do think it is a good idea to apologise to the woman - not really necessary, but a good idea for your own mental peace and if you'd really like to extend an olive branch, but OP if you want to do that, you have to be ready to face the consequences - she might have decided not to come back to the group, she might cut you off and give you the silent death glare, she might be vocally and incredibly rude to you (in which case you can rest easy!)

I think you let yourself down. It was a bit unnecessary to say something that could have been hurtful like that.
But I know what the sleep deprivation is like to my sympathies -it made me a grumpy irrational mare to live with I m sure I probably blurted out a few home truths in my time too. Hopefully you can move on and move past it in your way.

I honestly can't envision a scenario where it would be appropriate to butt in , unasked, and speak my truth in a non violent situation

But Seventh that's exactly what she does. Buts in, unasked, to speak her truth (stories) whilst someone else is in the middle of speaking.

I didn't but in mid group conversation to randomly slag her off. My badly worded opinion was delivered one on one, away from the other mums and when it was my turn to talk.

Thanks aero I appreciate it.

OP as a straight talker myself I appreciate that you found this woman annoying and saw she was having a negative influence on the group with her conversational style. The point I am trying to make is that in my experience these kind of messages will not be well received from anyone except a very close friend. As a virtual stranger she is likelooking to dismiss you as the problem and I doubt it would be an opportunity for her to reflect on her behaviour. If she’s in an established group she is likely to have told her friends and this will impact how others in the group see you and your interactions with the rest of the group. At this stage if you want to return to the group and comfortably interact with others damage control rather than a further reiteration of your original message would be wise. You clearly want to keep your apology authentic but I would not recommend that you reiterate your original message. Trust me her and several other people in the group will be aware of what it is. If you want to keep it real I suggest you apologise for your tone and the hurt that receiving your message must have caused her rather than the content of the message. Maybe something like “I just wanted to apologise for the hurt that I think my words might have caused you. On reflection I think I spoke to you in a too blunt/rude manner. Sorry.” Also be prepared that she and possibly several other people in the group may be unwilling to interact with you at all and there may be a different and more unpleasant atmosphere than there was last week.

Sorry for no paragraphs

Some good points there @dangerrabbit

I think you are really rude OP sorry.
Why didn't you just say sorry I'm busy / can't go?
You must have really hurt this chatty woman's feelings.

Banoffee, surely you must see that, in terms of "speaking your truth", there is a quantum difference between what you did and what she has done? Talking about yourself in a group all the time may be tedious, but it's not overtly and personally offensive to one specific other person.

Karma is a bitch. She won't forget that you humiliated her, your paths will cross for many years to come when you least want them to. And she is just the first in a long line of boasting, chat hogging, loudmouth mums that you will be thrown together with as your child grows up and goes through school. Probably best not to upset all of them. Smile and nod then move on is my advice. Good luck for the future.

How about

“I’m sorry, I was rude the other day. I’m just exhausted so my patience is a bit thin. I do appreciate the invitation but I’m not the best company at the moment.”

You haven’t backtracked but you will sound sincere and a bit kinder.