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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 11:59

Being quiet is much less of a social offence than being a conversational narcissist!

Well it depends. Sometimes people are quiet because they are arrogant arseholes who cba to talk to people that they think they are better than.

PasDeDeux · 20/04/2018 12:01

Wow I've read it all now hahahaha!

Teateaandmoretea · 20/04/2018 12:08

So have you never come across that? People deliberately using 'quietness' to be 'off'? I certainly have and as a result although many quiet people are fantastic company once you get to know them I am initially wary of people who don't want to engage with me. Quiet people are no more likely to actually be nice than hoggers ime

PoorYorick · 20/04/2018 12:09

A tendency towards monologues is an overarching flaw that shadows every interaction. It's a fatal flaw, if you will.

How pompous.

rOsie80 · 20/04/2018 12:10

OP, she was rude, you were rude AND hurtful. What happened to treating people as you'd like to be treated - that still applies to people who annoy you, you know... Now you both get to feel a bit a shit about yourselves.

seventh · 20/04/2018 13:01

But Seventh that's exactly what she does. Buts in, unasked, to speak her truth (stories) whilst someone else is in the middle of speaking.

And, @Banoffeematernity you decided to tell her, unasked, exactly what you thought of her. Butting in to her day and her opinion of herself, unasked , with your tiredness induced bad temper.

For me, that's wrong.

I don't warm to people who are like your target person.

But I don't agree with telling people what you think about them , unless they ask you.

Hernameisdeborah · 20/04/2018 13:01

On what is your "suspicion" based, hername?

I didn't say or mean that everybody criticising the OP's actions was a convo hogger, I said those giving the most criticism - ie the people on this thread who have gone beyond disagreeing with the OP's actions and have been downright nasty and made personal attacks - which made me wonder if she'd touched a nerve with some.

KERALA1 · 20/04/2018 13:06

I would rather a chatterer than a quiet person tbh. My FIL never speaks. I have to do ALL the social interaction while with him. Its exhausting after a while. If I am quiet too I get "are you ok?" because it seems its my job is to oil the social wheels and sometimes I cba or feel tired etc.

So different things annoy different people. The OP has arrogantly assumed that what annoys her annoys everyone. Its more nuanced than that.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 20/04/2018 13:07

I just hold the opinion that stating what is annoying about an acquaintance, to their face, at a mother and baby support group is over harsh.

KERALA I think it depends on your interpretation. I was intending to express my feelings to convo hogger which, obviously can be interpreted as me stating what I find annoying, but that wasn't my intention.

For example yesterday GreatDuckCookery referred to me on several occasions as a twat, cunt and a negligent mother, yet claims this morning that..

I obviously don't like people that are rude

&

I've just learnt how to deal with them that doesn't include being a twat

So clearly her interpretation of a rude person includes telling someone they are a bad listener, shows little interest in others, and are hard work, but doesn't include telling someone they're a twat, cunt and negligent mother.

But I guess that's her interpretation, unless she does think she's rude, doesn't like rude people, and doesn't like herself? But that's unlikely.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 20/04/2018 13:12

Maybe you are not English? Culturally English people don't do this. Thinking about it in my 43 years of social interaction I have never once come across anyone speaking as you did to that woman.

puglife15 · 20/04/2018 13:13

I'm glad you've admitted you were wrong in what you said OP. Because in your subsequent posts you are not coming across well tbh.

Also I know you are going on about posters being hypocritical saying you are nasty - but you asked for opinions, on AIBU no less.

The mum in question on the other hand just asked you for coffee and got both barrels.

I suggest you apologise unconditionally not for what you said but how you spoke to her.

Pinga · 20/04/2018 13:13

Talking a lot, hogging the conversation, barging into a convo already happening, talking at people, not appearing to listen - all sound like classic traits of female autism to me.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 20/04/2018 13:18

KERALA1 I am English, but I'm also human. In my 34 years of social interactions this is the first time I've spoken to a person in this manner.

But PP have been quick to pile on and insult me for this one incident whilst at the same time establishing the convo hogger as a victim who's own actions aren't scrutinized to the same extent.

OP posts:
Babyplaymat · 20/04/2018 13:20

But you're the one here. Seeking approbation and feedback. And having established yourself as a 'straight talker' people are being blunt.

KERALA1 · 20/04/2018 13:21

Don't beat yourself up we all mess up sometimes.

chocolatesun · 20/04/2018 13:22

Pings that is an interesting point about female autism. I had a friend at university who I eventually confronted and fell out with over similar behaviours. I now think she may have been on the spectrum and regret the whole thing. I wish I had the maturity back then simply to walk away with grace and also some understanding of why she behaved that way. There is a lot more to that story (not relevant here) but I wish I'd known more about female autism back then.

chocolatesun · 20/04/2018 13:22

Pinga not Pings!

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 20/04/2018 13:24

KERALA1 Also your point of chatterer vs quiet isn't quite the same comparison though is it?

Not allowing someone to contribute to a conversation isn't the same as choosing not to contribute to the conversation is it?

OP posts:
Pinga · 20/04/2018 13:33

Dont feel too bad chocolate.

I have a tendancy to talk and talk and talk. But I think Im conscious of whether my audience is listening, interacting etc. I also let others get a word in........... and I do shut up and let others speak as well.
My son is much more "guilty" of this than me. He will talk at people, lecturing them on his topic of choice, monotone voice for ages and ages - totally unconscious that his audience havent a clue about particle physics or class 35 trains etc.
Tbh with both me and him a quiet word of "shhh and let someone else speak" is helpful. For both me and him we are often doing something intensely irritating to others (fiddling with a rubiks cube, tapping a table etc) without being conscious of how annoying the click click tap tap is to others (because we are finding the rhythmic fiddling soothing) but if its pointed out to us we are both happy to stop and go elsewhere/find some other quieter way to be.

I think trying to redirect a person with autism is a helpful thing but has to be done tactfully and kindly of course or feelings can be hurt - even thats a minefield though because my feelings are easily hurt my son meanwhile is quite offended by politeness and people being kind/thoughtful (He prefers a simple "shut up" to a more polite approach)

PasDeDeux · 20/04/2018 13:35

Banoffee That was one of my points but apparently quiet people are arrogant arseholes that think too much of themselves to waste breath on others!

Have you seen the thread called something like 'was i unreasonable in response to banter' where arguably what the OP said actually was quite rude, and the majority of the responses seem to be that she was justified, yet you are being absolutely bashed on here! I really dont understand Mumsnet sometimes Confused

rOsie80 · 20/04/2018 13:35

Like Kerala1 says, don't beat yourself up, you were tired and ratty, it happens. As it's clearly bothering you, might be worth trying to make amends. Be a good test for you both - your humility and her ability to forgive/take criticism

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 20/04/2018 13:37

Butting in to her day and her opinion of herself, unasked , with your tiredness induced bad temper.

Eh? Jesus, that sounds like a politicians spin.

You were talking about literally interrupting someone, without being asked to, whilst someone's in the middle of talking, and when I point out that's exactly what she did not me, you've not twisted that to I'm butting in on her day and opinion of herself.

Well I see your butting in her day and opinion of herself...and I raise you that she butted in on my week and feeling of self-worth by continually censoring my voice! Confused

This is getting farcical now, ok, I need to not rise to the obvious contradictory posts and focus on penning a sincere apology.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 20/04/2018 13:39

I just find the grey rock silent stonewallers more bloody annoying than the witterers because they require me to make more effort. But thats just me.

Copperbonnet · 20/04/2018 13:47

But PP have been quick to pile on and insult me for this one incident whilst at the same time establishing the convo hogger as a victim who's own actions aren't scrutinized to the same extent.

You asked for judgement here. The other woman did not. She didn’t ask for any judgement at all.

Posters can only judge the other woman using supposition because we don’t have anything other than hearsay to judge her on.

Posters can judge you OP on the basis of the multiple posts you have made on this topic.

And I would say this isn’t really a “pile on” there have been plenty of posters siding with you. It’s not 24 pages of let’s all hammer the OP.

And you have been robust in your own defence OP.

Yes some posters have been rude and abrasive. I’m pretty sure they were trying to make a point with that...

And yes some posters have used strong or intemperate language. It’s not my way personally but it is AIBU on Mumsnet it presumably isn’t a shock that you’d get those kind of replies among the mix.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 20/04/2018 13:51

Also I know you are going on about posters being hypocritical saying you are nasty - but you asked for opinions, on AIBU no less.

Puglife No I said they are hypocritical to complain about me being nasty by themselves being nasty. I don't mind someone pointing out if they think I'm nasty, but to do it in a civil manner that doesn't involve calling me a cunt, twat etc. Otherwise you're just a hypocrite.

But you're the one here. Seeking approbation and feedback. And having established yourself as a 'straight talker' people are being blunt.

Babyplaymat I have never actually said I am a straight talker, maybe I've referenced the behavior of a straight talker, or from this one action I've now graduated to straight talker, but I've once said I am a straight talker.

I am looking for civil feedback and there's a difference between being blunt and being intentionally offensive and nasty towards me because you think that's what I deserve.

OP posts: