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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
SidandAndyssextoy · 19/04/2018 19:50

None of us reading this thread know whether your assessment is right and she is a thick-skinned, rude over-confident person, or an anxious or awkward person nervously trying to make friends at a baby group and being inept.

I suspect the answer lies in whether she ever comes back to the baby group. I am a nervous talker, with ASD to boot, and I went through a hard time last year. I ended up overtalking to a group of women I thought were friends. They were my only social outlet at the time. When they decided to be honest with me like you were with this woman, I stopped talking to anyone. I have felt unable to make new friends since then as I am so scared that I will bother someone else again. If I find myself in a group of people and have to talk, I panic. I have kept my feelings bottled up and am now on medication for anxiety.

I really hope she's just a rude cow and turns up next week and accepts your apology.

TheMonkeyMummy · 19/04/2018 19:50

@Banoffeematernity , however you twist and turn things, you were unkind. Regardless of tiredness (a common infliction amongst parents, I believe).

If I was you, I would apologize for being blunt. There is nothing wrong with saying that you feel you don't have the opportunity to respond to her conversations, in a kind way.

I run playgroups, have done for years now (it's my business) and I have seen some real characters over the years. Mostly lovely but there have been parents who make my teeth itch.

But... always, always be kind. If it is too much, just say 'sorry, am busy/have to just do this quickly or speak to such and such a person', and then disappear... a big part of my job is connecting parents to likeminded parents, to enable that all important social contact that we all need and crave.

Parenting is hard enough and isolating enough without blatant bitchiness.

RoadToRivendell · 19/04/2018 20:00

I find this thread weird, because most often on MN the advice about dealing with difficult people is being direct.

As for 'be kind' - well, indeed. It's not kind to continuously interrupt conversation and consume everyone's bandwidth. I have two people like this in my social group, neither of them have depression/anxiety/ASD or similar.

They merely prefer talking to listening, and assume what they have to say is more interesting than what anyone else does. It's that simple.

Tistheseason17 · 19/04/2018 20:01

I have a friend like this. I adore her. She talks sooo much and she's really kind and caring. I'm a talker so I actually enjoy not talking as much when I'm with her. She would be devastated if I said she talked too much. Her kindness overrides everything

CheeseyToast · 19/04/2018 20:49

So many babies are called Ava and Eva, Ellie and Ella, Mia and Maia - argh, it's a lot for anyone, never mind a baby brain new mother, to keep straight. It would be wise to get a grip about this now because I can tell you that it will be a theme in your child's life.

The other thing that comes to mind is intention. Few people have perfect social skills but most people mean well. Let them be their kind, well intentioned selves even if it isn't in line with your exacting standards of social etiquette. And bear in mind that your own social skills appear to be quite poor so you would do well to practise a little humility here. Because your own intention seems to be to shame and hurt others in your quest to be "right".

As Dr Phil would say, do you want to be right or do you want to have friends?

midnightmisssuki · 19/04/2018 20:54

Just apologise for being ride OP - please dont reiterate how rude you think she is - thats just so odd, she doesn't need to be told off twice!

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 19/04/2018 20:55

Gosh that was harsh OP. Personally i would go with the straight apology because you won’t need to follow on with the bit about buying into conversations again as I would imagine that it will have filtered through in the intervening time.

I do know a conversation hogger, I must admit I found it exhausting but the last time I was out with her twice she said, gosh I just interrupted you their while you were speaking I am really trying to stop doing that which I thought was really sweet. Have you ever met her perchance Grin

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 19/04/2018 20:55

*buying = butting

throwcushions · 19/04/2018 21:04

RoadToRivendell, yes but there's a difference between being direct with someone at an appropriate time (e.g. saying when they butt in "I'm not finished speaking actually" or "please don't interrupt me") and describing how awful you think someone is to be around when they've just plucked up the courage to ask if you fancy a coffee.

It's the difference between saying no when someone asks you for a date and saying "no, you are ugly". One is upfront and the other is unnecessarily unkind.

I think OP is getting a hard time because she seems a bit proud of her direct approach in the OP. She is also quite confrontational in replies although to be fair she is getting roasted quite badly by a couple of others.

RoseWhiteTips · 19/04/2018 21:05

RoadToRivendell

I find this thread weird, because most often on MN the advice about dealing with difficult people is being direct.

As for 'be kind' - well, indeed. It's not kind to continuously interrupt conversation and consume everyone's bandwidth. I have two people like this in my social group, neither of them have depression/anxiety/ASD or similar.

They merely prefer talking to listening, and assume what they have to say is more interesting than what anyone else does. It's that simple.

Spot on. They are merely crashing bores.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 21:13

Oh, a lot of twatty people are in favour of being 'direct' - especially when it comes to encouraging someone else to start a fight over the internet.
But there are also the sort who believe they have the right to 'confront' or 'call out' other people, who then absolutely shit themselves in fury if the other person either laughs at them or walks away.

I'd be quite interested to know (though she is under no obligation to answer, of course) how many friends OP has lost in the past due to her 'honesty' and tendency to apologise by reminding the person that they are, in OP's eyes, at fault and should be grateful to her for pointing this out to them...

seventh · 19/04/2018 21:15

Oh!

I remember a personal story now

Coffee with a brand new friend. She spoke for 2 hours about herself. I listened.

Then she said 'I'm really sorry. I've been talking about myself all the time. How are things with you?'

I started to tell her and 3 minutes into me talking she got her phone out and started tapping away on it.

I stopped talking about me and asked her about her again.

Yup ! Her phone went back into her bag and she was happily chatting!

I guess she found my life boring!

I have never told her how I felt and I never will. It's not my place to tell her how I felt as she hasn't asked me

We've never seen each other again, though, so perhaps I seemed as dull to her as she seemed to me!

AsTheMilesTheyDisappear · 19/04/2018 21:17

That is so nasty OP. Imagine if someone refused coffee with you and listed her assessment of your faults.
Imagine how hurt you would feel.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/04/2018 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PasDeDeux · 19/04/2018 21:38

As someone who knows a few people like this, I am in the 'You Are My Hero Camp'! I dont think that you were that rude tbh.. All you did was save yourself more hours of having your ear bent off by someone not interested in friendship but just a soundboard to talk about themselves to.

pandarific · 19/04/2018 21:42

Meh, the woman needed told imo - if she’s not aware of it she should be. OP didn’t tell her she was a poisonous cunt or anything abusive, just that she talks at people not too them. She’s an adult, I’m sure she’ll deal.

CadyHeron · 19/04/2018 21:53

"She's an adult, I'm sure she'll deal'
Confused
Yeah, because all adults automatically are together and have no feelings. Stupid adults, suck it up already.
Hmm

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 21:55

Actually, wasn't there a thread just the other day about how stressful and oppressive it is when someone just talks and talks at you? And wasn't everyone largely in agreement about how out of order it is to do that??

The only difference here is that OP addressed the issue.

But here people aren't just saying OP dealt with it rudely but that being that crashing bore is just fine too. Posters falling over each other to paint a picture of this poor stressed conversation-hogger, screwing up every ounce of courage just to propose a coffee date when up until now she's been holding forth without stopping for breath?! Seems massively unlikely.

AsTheMilesTheyDisappear · 19/04/2018 22:09

If she's talking over someone else, couldn't you just say at the time 'let Kate finish, I want to hear how her dd is' or something.

The character assassination sounds so unkind.

monkeychickenpig · 19/04/2018 22:29

Did you apologise yet

KERALA1 · 19/04/2018 22:38

What's that line from Bridesmaids " why can't you just talk about me in the car on the way home like a normal person?"

Yes she's annoying but a direct face to face character assassination is bloody harsh. Particularly at a mothers and baby group presumably intended to provide support for new parents. Sheesh.

lostfrequencies · 19/04/2018 23:08

It'll be wasted on you but I agree with lots of previous posters, YABVU.

TabbyMack · 19/04/2018 23:22

The comment you made in your second post...”I hate it when people hate me” (or words to that effect) says an awful lot about your character, OP.

Not “I hate the thought that I might have hurt someone”....but “I hate being hated”. It’s all about you, right?

I think you are not only rude, but self-centred and arrogant too. And no, being exhausted does not entitle you to be so uncaring about other people’s feelings.

I would love it if she told the other women in the group what you’d said and they all turned against you. Would serve you bloody right.

TabbyMack · 19/04/2018 23:26

All you did was save yourself more hours of having your ear bent off by someone not interested in friendship but just a soundboard to talk about themselves to

And there’s no way she could have achieved the same thing without humiliating a woman she hardly knows? It’s not like she’s legally obliged to go and have coffee with the woman.

Some seriously nasty pieces of work on this thread.

Monkee4 · 19/04/2018 23:45

"I would love it if she told the other women in the group what you’d said and they all turned against you. Would serve you bloody right."

You're right there are some seriously nasty pieces of work on this thread

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