Conversation hogger!

[Banoffeematernity]

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

PoorYorick

It was actually my DD's name that was accused of being chavvy. Again I only described how I felt. I never called her names or said she wasn't interested in me, but that's how she made me feel. It was actually your pal that hurled insults at me...no for real though, she was playing a character.

Wait, this woman told you your daughter's name was chavvy?

Every time you post you are coming across worse.

You seem more and more confrontational every time .

Your apology should be just that. A simple but sincere apology with no ifs, buts it lame excuses. You don't seem to even get that though. You are too self absorbed yourself.

OP - Good for you! I wish I could be like that.
I know enough conversation hoggers where I don't believe it is a conversation, it is a monologue. And sometimes I listen because I'm not great at engaging and taking up space. But whether one is overly passive or overly chatty, it amounts to the same = lack of genuine conversation between people. I had a friend who I liked but once she began that was that, sometimes you couldn't speak for 30 minutes and it did feel exhausting! It reached a point for me when she declared that she believed she talked 50% of the time and I thought sheer delusion. But I've known loads of people who believe it's ok to talk at others, even if it's from a source of anxiety it's still subjecting the other to yourself. And why are we always so British and passive (aggresive) and just edge away from people without saying anything.

She may benefit, if she reflects, from your straight-forwardness. I'd have happily had you in my babygroup.

I feel incredibly sorry for the "convo hogger". She was trying to be nice and make a friend - imagine how you'd feel if you were in her shoes and the other person attacked you in such a personal way. She is probably well aware that she's overly chatty and talks too much, but it's just her nature - nobody's perfect. There are many worse things a person can be. If you didn't want to go for a coffee with her, you could have just made an excuse. I can't help but feel that this must have really hurt her feelings.

I want her to know I'm sorry I hurt her feelings but to be mindful in future about allowing myself and other mums our full say.

You have no business bringing anyone else into this unless they've asked you to.

Have they?

GreatDuck

I never said I just 'rocked up' on MN. I never said I NC'd. I never said I didn't name change. What I fail to understand is what relevance that information would have on this thread?

Did you name search me in hope to find other threads I've been in order to figure out my identity? Try to find quotes to use against me?

I also call BS...bloody strange.

Yes I did OP.

So you haven't posted before and you didn't NC?

*What's wrong with me apologizing for hurting her feelings but asking her to be mindful of other people's feelings?"

1. It makes it a non-apology. Think about it: if I say "I'm sorry that saying you talked too much was rude but you talk too much" does that sound like a genuine apology to you?

1. You've made the point about other people's feelings. There is no need to repeat it.

1. It makes you sound as if you've constituted yourself the arbiter of behaviour within the group, which makes you sound very arrogant indeed.

Are you sure she doesn't know your name? Some people pronounce Eva as Ava - it's the continental pronunciation, I think, and if anything the first syllable us a long E rather than an A.

You'll get it when you're ready to. For now you just aren't in that place yet.

I hope the crushingly hard tiredness abates soon. All mums have been there and we know it's hard. Take care of yourself and step away from this thread. You have your answers - take a break for a wee while.

Sorry, your daughter's name, not yours.

It would be magic if she has invited all the other baby group mums out for coffee, they all said yes , and she's told them you are a nutter

Yorick

No, a PP said DD's name was chavvy, why should they give a fuck about my child etc, albeit they were making an exaggerated point of how would I feel if this was said to me.

All I've said to original convo-hogger is what is quoted in my OP. I've acknowledged it was rude and could have been delivered better.

Aside from that I've challenged nastier, cruel, goady comments from some PP's. But in conclusion I'm a confrontational, nasty twat, but the PP's who posted way worse are ok becuase they were just trying to show me the light.

How about "Hey, I just wanted to apologise for last week. I was incredibly tired and I don't think I expressed myself well."

This is not apologising for what you said, just apologising for how you said it.

But for what it's worth, your posts are coming across reasonably aggressively so whilst we're on the topic of getting people to reflect on their social flaws, perhaps this is one to think about when everything is a little less emotional.

Please don’t have ANOTHER go at her. Just leave the poor woman alone now.

You need to read this thread again and see just how you're coming across.

It ain't good.

I don't think you need to worry about apologising to her, OP. I bet she scuttles away as soon as you come near, and never speaks again in your presence. That's if she ever comes back to the group (I wouldn't, unless I had a nice group of other friends there)

Can you really not see how hurtful your comments might have been?

But the issue with your sorry not sorry is that you would make it sound like everyone was talking about her, and she is an issue etc. When that isn't the case, this is purely your interpretation.

If you want to say anything, I would say "look, I'm sorry I was so blunt the other day. It's no excuse, but I'm bloody knackered. No hard feelings?" You're not taking back your point, which seems important to you, but you apologise for the shitty way you went about it.

Cross post with Unsuspected

Okay, but then that would mean she can do whatever she wants, I can say whatever I want ...and your point is? We just put up with any behaviour and leave it at that?

Is this the royal "we" or are you speaking on behalf of the other members of the group?

I can't wait for the update after you see these people again.

GreatDuck

okay, but you've just saved me the read? - ain't good.

Btw going off topic and hounding someone for info in a bid to identify them is slightly strange. It comes across as 'ain't good' as well.