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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
flippyfloppyflower · 19/04/2018 16:30

I have been following this in work. Essentially - who died and made you God OP? I wouldn't ne so blunt normally but as you think it is acceptable behaviour I will ignore my usual manners. You cannot speak for the other mums and the more you post the more unreasonable you appear. Your original question was "Was I rude?" and the answer is "yes you were - very", you were also a bit of a bitch (you said you like straight talking so here you go).

If you can live with your actions fair enough but I suggest you do not go on a public forum and expect everyone to agree with you.

UnsuspectedItem · 19/04/2018 16:34

I have a deep seated fear that people think this about me and honestly if someone had been as blunt about it as the OP, I would be beyond upset. I genuinely think that kind of comment would have stayed with me for life. It certainly would significantly damage my confidence for years.
Maybe she's incredibly self absorbed and a complete twat... but perhaps she's just nervous, or at least well meaning. To risk hurting someone like that seems pretty extreme.

UnsuspectedItem · 19/04/2018 16:37

she exudes confidence

So do I. People are often very shocked when they find out how badly I have anxiety. People who know me (but not close friends) would say I'm bubbly confident and easy going.
I was on suicide watch last year and have been prescribed high doses of valium.
Dont judge a book by its cover, and all that...

thornyhousewife · 19/04/2018 16:38

OP that was horrible of you, she's a new mum like you whose making an effort to make friends.

I know people who hog the conversation and it's usually out of nerves.

That poor woman.

Notonthestairs · 19/04/2018 16:39

If it's a baby group then presumably she has a baby too and is also knackered. Maybe she talks too much when tired. We don't know (and neither do you).

It was fine to say no, also fine to say remember my child's name is EVA not Ava, also fine to say "can I finish what I was saying?" - each and every time she talks over you others your DD's name wrong.

But you handled a possible moron by behaving similarly. Not fine.

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 19/04/2018 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElementalHalfLife · 19/04/2018 16:43

I think the thing I most have a problem with is not so much what you said or how you delivered it OP - it's when you said it.
Context and timing is everything. You wouldn't chastise your child for misbehaviour days after the misbehaviour and at a time when the child is actually behaving nicely would you? Frankly, no matter how tired you are there is no excuse for that kind of a snotty putdown in response to an invitation to coffee no matter how annoying the person is. Had you said what you said while this woman was in the process of talking over you or me-railing a conversation then you would have had the moral high ground and the support of the majority here I think.

ificouldwritealettertome · 19/04/2018 16:45

I'm with madmags- I did send you a nice post earlier because when I was a new mum I was really tired too. I was never rude to anyone though. In fact, most of the time I was glad of someone else doing the talking!

But seeing some of your angry replies and nastiness come through, my new reply is:

You're very confrontational. You should work on that.

CornforthWhite · 19/04/2018 16:51

OP - when you've had a few weeks to reflect on this and hopefully the dust has settled at the baby group I think you should re-read this thread.

You're fixated on MadMags and her responses and you're missing the point of them entirely. When you're emotions aren't running so high re-read them and you'll see she was trying to help you see what it feels like to have someone be so rude to you.

Anyhow, the only thing I'll add is that socially I've never invited anyone for a coffee unless I wanted to be friends with them.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 16:54

camellia
Yes, it would be hypocritical to say you're a horrible nasty twat for saying that to her.
It wouldn't be hypocritical to say your remarks were insensitive and unkind.
I've had a mixed range of opinions from PP some of these responses fall into the hypocritical category.

Cady
What's wrong with me apologizing for hurting her feelings but asking her to be mindful of other people's feelings? I don't see that as putting the boot in. Or does everyone's feelings not count? Can't we all learn to better ourselves, or should we just stfu, and let everyone get on with being domineering/trodden on for fear of offending?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 17:00

What's wrong with me apologizing for hurting her feelings but asking her to be mindful of other people's feelings?

"I'm sorry for that time I said you were ugly and stupid and your daughter's name was chavvy. I shouldn't have said it. But just so you know, you ARE ugly and stupid and your daughter's name IS chavvy."

CousinKrispy · 19/04/2018 17:01

Exactly what PoorYorick said!

Lupiform · 19/04/2018 17:01

I would get her number if you don't already have it and text her to apologise for being so blunt. I can see why you snapped but I can also see that the other woman is probably really upset.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:02

"I'm sorry for that time I said you were ugly and stupid and your daughter's name was chavvy. I shouldn't have said it. But just so you know, you ARE ugly and stupid and your daughter's name IS chavvy."

Someone being ugly and stupid isn’t overtaking everyone’s conversations though? I think OP is right to apologise for her nasty comment, but to explain that although phrased wrongly there is something other mum could do (like OP apologising!) to make life nicer for all of them. As long as it is phrased nicely and carefully, it’s not a bad thing.

PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 17:03

OP doesn't need to tell the woman that she talks over people, because she already told her!

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:05

Well then if she apologises for the way she spoke to her but doesn’t retract the meaning of what she said, but the tone I think that’s a decent compromise?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/04/2018 17:06

What's wrong with me apologizing for hurting her feelings but asking her to be mindful of other people's feelings?

Because you're not the boss of her for a start.

Why did you NC for this OP? I asked you earlier and I don't think you answered ( sorry if you did )

billysboy · 19/04/2018 17:10

A good line I heard once was " do you know any good jokes because I am bored of your conversation " said with a very straight face followed by a huge grin , made the point !

ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 17:10

I'm worried if I just apologize she may think I didn't mean it and put it down to a bad day.

I'd be PRAYING that this is what she thinks! Confused

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 17:12

And if you do that and she suggests that you might try to be a little less of a self-righteous rude cunt in future? What will you do then?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/04/2018 17:14

I'd be PRAYING that this is what she thinks! confused

If this is real of course the poor woman won't think that. More like what a bolshy, rude and obnoxious woman the OP isz

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 17:16

UnsuspectedItem

With respect, if you have a deep fear of appearing like that, the odds are that you aren't like that . People who worry about how they come across don't tend to steamroller their way through conversations riding rough-shod over everyone else's needs. You clearly have a lot of self-awareness.

And people definitely won't think that you talk over people or constantly interrupt if you don't actually do those things...

prideofaberdeen · 19/04/2018 17:17

OP i have some questions;

You've been going to the group for a month. Has she been going for longer, or less, time than you?

Do you both have friends within the group? Not long term close friends,necessarily, but other mums you would actually see independently of the group?

Have any of the other mums commented about her talking too much? To you, or anybody else?

Im asking because I'm wondering if this is purely a personal issue of yours, or if it's something everyone gets riled about. I'm also thinking about the chance of her never coming back, or her having the support network there for this not to put her off returning (and also the chance of her telling others how rude you were so they then don't really want to interact with you anymore)

Re your apology, you need to be the best person you can be and just apologise. No caveats. Just apologise.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 17:18

Cornforth
Aaaahh, I finally get it! So all those sarky 'are you drunk' comments etc weren't really her but a character she was portraying to get me to reflect on my behavior?! Afraid that was too subtle for me Hmm.

Fortunately the more constructive criticism from the likes of KT and AnxiousPeg have helped me though.

GreatDuck
Because you're not the boss of her for a start.

Okay, but then that would mean she can do whatever she wants, I can say whatever I want ...and your point is? We just put up with any behaviour and leave it at that? Where did I say I NC'd?

OP posts:
thiskitten · 19/04/2018 17:20

OP - you came on here to ask if you were rude. You have been told my a lot of people that, yes, you were rude and the coffee woman's feelings were probably very hurt by what you said.
Yet what you have concluded from this discussion is that you will go back to the group and apologise for the delivery but "reaffirm" what you said and comment on how frustrating you find her?
I think she probably got that message loud and clear already.
For someone criticising the social skills of others, you clearly have some social skills to learn yourself. Unless you are intentionally trying to be a bully.

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