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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
Catspaws · 19/04/2018 15:58

If she's nice but clueless you might have done her a big favour by opening her eyes to this massive blind spot! Hopefully she'll try and be a bit less of a hog now...

KT63 · 19/04/2018 15:58

I will be going to the group next week and assuming the other mum is their I will look for an opportune moment to apologize for the delivery but reaffirm that it's frustrating not being able to finish a sentence

That sounds fair enough to me.

MadMags · 19/04/2018 16:02

No. I'm not. You're very confrontational. You should work on that.

longtallwalker · 19/04/2018 16:02

Sorry. Haven't read this whole thread. But how I wish I'd had the guts to tell my sister in law something similar 20 years ago. Hogger extraordinaire! Unable to ask the other conversant a question, always relates everything back to he experience and achievements. Arghhhh.. she is v rude but I cannot summon the courage and now fear it's too late. My only consolation is she does it to everyone

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 16:04

MadMags Sorry I thought we were asking irrelevant questions, but have just realized you're deflecting because your comment made no sense and you can't explain it...you were just being sarky and arsey.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 19/04/2018 16:05

I wouldn't go back if I were you.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 16:08

you were just being sarky and arsey

Maybe she’s tired? Grin

Nikephorus · 19/04/2018 16:08

No, just apologise. She got the message about her talking. You told her, remember?
This ^^ You spelt it out to her and from what you said about her reaction she heard it loud and clear.
I get how annoying it is - I avoid someone like this (and she makes a joke about how much she talks). But I wouldn't say what you said OP because that was cruel. If you wanted to make a point then you should have waited until she butted in again and then raised it gently & jokingly. She sounds hurt and that's a shitty thing to do. It may be better in the long run but there were nicer ways of doing it.

sonjadog · 19/04/2018 16:13

I hope that at your next group meeting, assuming she wants to go again after last week, she tells you all the things about you that she doesn't like. Gives it to you straight. And then I hope the following week, when you meet again, she apologizes and then hammers home the unkind things she said the week before again.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 16:13

Thanks KT I'm worried if I just apologize she may think I didn't mean it and put it down to a bad day. I've seen it before with friends in other scenarios, someone snaps there's an apology but things go back to how they were.

I want her to know I'm sorry I hurt her feelings but to be mindful in future about allowing myself and other mums our full say.

OP posts:
diamondsandrose · 19/04/2018 16:13

She's dodged a bullet

You don't seem exhausted at all to me, you have plenty of energy to argue about crap with strangers on the Internet

You could start a fight in an empty room. Save your energy for your baby!

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2018 16:14

^^That seems a little unlikely frankly.

sonjadog · 19/04/2018 16:15

Have the other mums complained about this woman to you, or have you just appointed themselves their spokesperson and arbiter of how members of your group must behave?

EllaLavella · 19/04/2018 16:15

I went for a massage this afternoon and for the entire hour the therapist talked incessantly about crap and I didn't get one single word in edgeways... I thought of this thread and chuckled to myself 😂

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/04/2018 16:16

Just apologise and leave it. I doubt she will speak to you again anyway so nothing much to worry about.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 16:16

I want her to know I'm sorry I hurt her feelings but to be mindful in future about allowing myself and other mums our full say

That sounds like the perfect thing to say. We all have shit days don’t we? And hopefully it means in the long run she doesn’t hog the conversation and you can both be at the group without any atmosphere.

RoadToRivendell · 19/04/2018 16:16

I tend to think that people who can't talk about anyone but themselves are a bit of a blight on humanity, so I'm pretty impressed by the OP. Ignore all the people who are speculating on her mental health.

diamondsandrose · 19/04/2018 16:17

Either apologise full stop

Or don't bother

Don't apologise then have another go, I think you've said enough

PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 16:18

I'm worried if I just apologize she may think I didn't mean it and put it down to a bad day.

I think that's a risk you should take.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 16:19

If you actually 'apologize' to her by reminding her that she's the one at fault and deserved to be ticked off and put in her place by you, it would serve you right if whoever's in charge of the group told you to leave and not come back.
Who the fuck do you think you are? No one has appointed you to take charge of how other people interact. I can't imagine many toddler groups wanting to keep someone who has barged in and started telling them all what to do and how to behave when they'd been getting along fine before that person showed up.

camelliasinensis · 19/04/2018 16:20

I find it hypocritical that a lot of PP have chastised me for being apparently unkind

So anyone who tells you that you were, in fact, unkind, is a "hypocrite" for telling you so? You posted here asking for feedback. If you can't cope with the answers, don't put the question out there.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 16:23

But the OP did have a valid point, she’s not apologising for bringing it up, she’s apologising for the way she said it which was wrong.

CadyHeron · 19/04/2018 16:25

You're coming across worse and worse the more you post. You want to 'apologise' by bringing it up AGAIN and effectively sticking the boot in more?! Either you want to apologise or you don't. If it's just too reiterate your point, you'd be better off keeping your gob shut all together.

CadyHeron · 19/04/2018 16:26

to damn phone

Accountant222 · 19/04/2018 16:29

I know loads of people like that and you did a brave thing, not sure I'd have the guts to do it though.

I avoid these people like the plague but the zoom in on me. Those and constant moaners.