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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
Babyplaymat · 19/04/2018 14:03

Ok, as you're clearly not wanting real feedback, yes, you were rude. I doubt she will try to engage with you again though.

ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 14:14

Oh for fuck's sake. Is there any minor social infraction that doesn't get you this ridiculous label these days?

Do you mean narcissism? It's a MN phenomenon. I never encounter anyone using this word in real life.

PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 14:16

Self described 'straight talkers' are also the worst at receiving similar 'straight talk' themselves. OP would appear to be no exception.

You do not have to socialise with anyone if you don't want to, but is it really too much to ask that you don't be a thundering great dick about it?

The stress of a new baby and the shrinking of one's world, and the very very real and common problem of isolation, can cause people to lose some social skills.

Thanks to your hee-larious wit, OP, you've probably just shot a new mother's confidence even further into the floor and made her completely uneasy with social situations. New mothers are at enough risk of isolation and unhappiness. Well done you.

MadMags · 19/04/2018 14:18

@PoorYorick you’re not allowed to blame OP because she was tired.

You’re only allowed to wave your pompoms and think she’s brave.

ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 14:26

Thanks to your hee-larious wit, OP, you've probably just shot a new mother's confidence even further into the floor and made her completely uneasy with social situations.

From her opening gambit, I suspected this OP thought she was trés hilaire.

Anyway, you've divided MN opinion, OP. Grin

madeyemoodysmum · 19/04/2018 14:26

I wanted to say it but only once a really know a person and I'm sure it's rudeness and not shyness etc.

I think in this case you were the rude one.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 14:31

I wonder how OP would have felt had the other woman then said 'Oh well, I just thought I'd ask you for coffee because you've got no friends and now I can see why.'

(Yes, that's what I would have said if some new acquaintance responded to a friendly invitation with an I'm-so-straight-talking-I'm-going-to-insult-you-and-be-smug-about-it attitude...)

Barbie222 · 19/04/2018 14:40

How about this: Sorry, Princess, but everyone’s tired. Why would she remember your kid’s name? Nobody cares except you and it’s a chavvy name anyway. Oh, and it’s a bit pathetic that you’re still struggling with tiredness and going on about it at this stage.

Catching up - That's nice and honest and it was exactly what I was thinking!

KT63 · 19/04/2018 14:49

I wonder how OP would have felt had the other woman then said 'Oh well, I just thought I'd ask you for coffee because you've got no friends and now I can see why.'

Now THAT I would have stood up and applauded!

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2018 15:00

I think home truths are best kept for those we are close to, or spend a lot of time with. Or at least those who solicit our opinions on their character.

From my own experiences I've found that the more socially isolated people are day to day, the more they tend to get verbal diorreah when finally getting to spend some time with people. I've been on the receiving end of this, but have done it myself too. Very embarrassing. Blush Luckily I met with more kindness then some on here would show.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 15:01

*you’re not allowed to blame OP because she was tired.

You’re only allowed to wave your pompoms and think she’s brave.*

MadMags* You just said the majority of posters said I was being rude, but are now doing a 180 and trying to imply most people are defending me? Well which is it? Hmm Most people can call me rude but a few can't defend their rational behind my behavior. Get a grip.

I would say the consensus of the sensible balanced posters is that I was rude and insensitive and a better response would have been a polite decline whist still acknowledging being tired would explain but not justify my response.

The minor biased and hypocritical posters focus totally on my response, mocking my rationale, berating me, whilst refusing to consider the effect her continual actions (not one comment but a series or rebuffs/interruptions) has on me or the other mums, but not forgetting how her feelings are hurt and going as far as to suggest suicide!

That's being selective with the information given and so you'll forgive me for not considering your imbalanced view.

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 19/04/2018 15:01

Completely agree with pooryorik straight talkers can never take it back.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 15:12

Do the ppl berating 'straight talkers' miss the hypocrisy of their delivery?

You could just say I find 'straight-talkers' annoying or upsetting etc, but instead chose 'straight-talkers' are twats, cunts etc?? Thus becoming what they supposedly hate.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 19/04/2018 15:15

I wouldn't go back to the group if I were you, after saying that.

You went COMPLETELY overboard, using hyperbolic language such as "battle".

Send her a message apologising and saying not to worry, you won't be making an appearance again so she has nothing to worry about.

It doesn't matter how "confident" or "self assured" you seem, comments like that would leave anyone feeling like shit.

Just stick to your real friends, and if this means socialising less, so be it.

You're clearly too tired for anything else.

MadMags · 19/04/2018 15:18

I haven’t implied most people are defending you.

You’re very odd. Confused you continually pick up my posts, wrongly I might add, and when I answer your somewhat bizarre charges, you disappear again!

Very strange.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/04/2018 15:38

Did you NC for this OP?

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 15:38

This is getting ridiculous now, with people entrenched on each side.

I conceded that OP was rude. I think she knows that... but she had some reason to be fed up with this conversation-hogger.

We can't know how rude her tone was, or exactly how upset the talker was, so it's a bit pointless to speculate.

What I won't accept, though, is that people who blather on, dominate conversation, interrupt and talk over people are somehow poor little victims, and they can't help it etc etc. Adults can control whether they are twats.

I've been called confrontational on this thread. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I never interrupt, I listen and wait for pauses, I express interest and am acutely aware of the dynamics of conversation. I have struggled before to get into conversations dominated by brash, arrogant hoggers, so my sympathy doesn't naturally lie with the woman OP describes.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 15:44

MadMags

majority of PP - OP your comment was rude and insensitive
minority of PP - Good for you OP, these type of people annoy me

To you this =

*you’re not allowed to blame OP because she was tired.

You’re only allowed to wave your pompoms and think she’s brave.*

Where are you getting that conclusion from? Confused

OP posts:
MadMags · 19/04/2018 15:45

Are you drunk? Confused

KT63 · 19/04/2018 15:49

OP your posts are becoming increasingly confrontational. I understand that you’re tired, but as I said before, we’ve all got shit going on, not just you, and it seems like you’re spoiling for a scrap.

Is going back to the playgroup and saying to hogging woman that you’re sorry you were so rude, and can you start over? Hopefully you’ll both have learned from it and be able to move on.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 19/04/2018 15:52

Haven't RTFT, but I can be a bit overchatty, usually because I am nervous, and I would be horribly upset if someone said that to me Sad

I also have a workmate who is a bit like this, we are all used to her now and just start talking over her. she knows she talks a lot and also says that she knows people don't like her for it, but she is a nice kind person, and once you get used to dealing with it she realises that if we (re) start a story after she has butted in then that is gentle reprimand, and she shuts up (for a bitGrin). This lady may have lots of lovely qualities that you won't get to know.

I do understand, but I feel sad for her.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 15:56

AnxiousPeg Thanks, I appreciate your view and although I don't regret what I said (with regards to how her behaviour makes me feel) I do regret the delivery.

I will be going to the group next week and assuming the other mum is their I will look for an opportune moment to apologize for the delivery but reaffirm that it's frustrating not being able to finish a sentence. Perhaps a lesson to learn on both sides.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 15:57

Do the ppl berating 'straight talkers' miss the hypocrisy of their delivery?

Given that you asked us to tell you what we thought, yes, I'm missing it.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 15:57

MadMags Are you taking drugs? Confused

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 15:58

I will be going to the group next week and assuming the other mum is their I will look for an opportune moment to apologize for the delivery but reaffirm that it's frustrating not being able to finish a sentence.

No, just apologise. She got the message about her talking. You told her, remember?