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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
Copperbonnet · 19/04/2018 13:00

Wow OP you’re new at the group and you said this to a woman who is is of longer standing than you?

When you have no idea how much social capital she has?

That was a bold decision.

If she makes one phone call to someone else...

Kittykat93 · 19/04/2018 13:02

You were being unreasonable. I know the sort you are talking about and yes, it's exhausting and annoying. However, there was no need for that response to what was a friendly invitation. In your shoes I would apologise to her.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 19/04/2018 13:04

This thread is a great lesson for a conversation hogger like me.

However, your response to her invitation is bizarre. She isn’t a close friend to you. You should have just said no.

Slanetylor · 19/04/2018 13:05

It probably was a little rude. But it REALLY annoys me when someone else is incredibly rude like talking over everyone and dominating a conversation but the polite thing is to let them do that.
I suppose in this case you could have just said no without saying why.
But if it was someone in your life you couldn’t escape, it would have been perfectly fine.
She’ll be happy you’ve given her something else to talk about!

fuzzyduck33 · 19/04/2018 13:08

You may well have done her a favour in the long run. People with slightly off social skills often end up lonely and wondering why nobody likes them.
She probably won't thank you for it though!

MadMags · 19/04/2018 13:11

Banoffee, if you're going to try to be witty and passive aggressive, check that you're actually using poster's proper names, and that your post isn't littered with mistakes. Wink

Your last paragraph says "was I rude?" Well, yes you were. A majority of posters think so.

But that doesn't really answer the question of what you wanted from the thread. You didn't say "was I rude and if so should I apologise", for example. You didn't actually ask for advice about an outcome that you're hoping for.

So, the winky face and helpful hint comment aren't actually all that helpful.

You do know that there have been posters who have defended the hogger whereas I actually haven't, don't you? In fact, I've repeatedly said that you of course didn't have to go for coffee.

So can you show me where I've bent over backwards defending her? I have pointed out your rudeness, I haven't said that negates any on her part. So perhaps show me those posts and I'll clarify because you've clearly become confused somewhere along the way...

StepAwayFromGoogle · 19/04/2018 13:29

Everyone seems to be assuming that coffee woman knew she was being rude and carried on regardless. She probably didn't, she probably just talks a lot and that's just the way she is. She may be a bit socially unaware and perhaps missing some cues from the room, but nothing the OP has said suggested it is deliberate or nasty.
The OP on the other hand knows she was spiteful and apparently couldn't give a toss about the other woman's feelings - and is here to justify herself repeatedly. That's nasty.
As PPs have pointed out, most people have their own individual quirks - quiet, moody, boring, patronising etc - but we let those go. Goodness knows why you couldn't in the case of coffee woman, OP.

RoseWhiteTips · 19/04/2018 13:34

Ladybirdbookworm

...you sound proud of yourself .....you also sound like a right clever shite

Wow. What an impressive contribution.

Alright1613 · 19/04/2018 13:34

@StepAwayFromGoogle you’ve summed up my feelings perfectly.

bonnyshide · 19/04/2018 13:36

Low energy levels as an excuse for being rude and unkind...Ha!

RoseWhiteTips · 19/04/2018 13:38

MadMags

...A majority of posters think so.

No. The majority of posters are gleefully ganging up on the OP just for the sheer joy it gives them. Hmm

In addition, some of the contributors’ language is enough to make one feel contaminated.

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 19/04/2018 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 13:42

@rose

Tbh, you were the one earlier in the thread who was displaying a weird blood lust towards the coffee woman.

I find yours and some other posters comments far worse than what the op did, which could just be called a bad gaff. The truth just sort of spilling out. Applauding her though. for ‘telling it like it is’ in this case is just plain weird to me.

And if swearing offends you, maybe try Netmums? It’s banned there I believe, not on mn.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/04/2018 13:44

Those saying well done to the OP if you wouldn't say it yourself to someone in RL why are you congratulating her?

GnotherGnu · 19/04/2018 13:44

*Plus I never went out of my way, I was caught off guard, on the spot, and with low energy levels and let me honest feelings be known in a poorly worded way.

This baffles me. If you were that tired, surely all you had to say was "No, sorry". Instead you seem to have gone to some trouble to explain why you were saying no in a manner that you must have known would be hurtful.

And it wasn't that what you said was poorly worded, it was that it didn't need to be said at all. If anything, if you used the wording describe in your post, it comes across as very carefully crafted as being almost designed to make her feel awful.

Your OP asked whether you were rude, not whether she was. You can't blame people for answering the question you asked.

PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 13:46

Plus I never went out of my way, I was caught off guard, on the spot, and with low energy levels and let me honest feelings be known in a poorly worded way.

Are you going to go up to this woman when you next see her and say, "I'm so sorry I was so rude and hurtful to you last week? I was absolutely shattered and not thinking straight"?

Are you?

Something tells me you're not. You have no intention of apologising for hurting her feelings (which you clearly did - and she didn't hurt yours, she just annoyed you generally). You don't CARE that you hurt her feelings. It's obvious from all your responses that you came on here to get a bit of limp cheerleading for being rude and anti-social (you REALLY don't get much interaction, do you?).

So now you should be very happy. Conversation hogger is hurt, limp cheerleaders online. That is what you strive for, it seems.

dangerrabbit · 19/04/2018 13:53

Wow that’s rude. She’s hardly going to take it as constructive criticism as you don’t even know her. Maybe it would have been better to just make your excuses?

MasonJar · 19/04/2018 13:56

What hurtful thing to say OP, especially as you had no idea of the woman's situation. If someone said that to me I'd be mortified and never forget it.
For all you know she could have had PND or other problems and you've made her feel a lot worse.
As for your excuse of having low energy levels it would have taken less energy to say "No, sorry I can't".

feudal · 19/04/2018 13:56

If ever there was a thread that proves 'playground' and 'school-gates' mentalities are not urban myths this is it. Rather than being critical and rude OP, you could take control of your own problem by agreeing to coffee and stating that you would like to slow the conversation and have more input? Something as simple as "your speaking too fast for me...I just need a think about that etc...." There are strategies to do this, its what team managers, diplomats, marketers, counsellors, customer care reps and most importantly friends learn all the time. NLP techniques are one example.

BettyBaggins · 19/04/2018 13:57

I get it op. Some people are not nervous or socially awkward who talk over others, they are actually bad mannered, selfish and narcissistic. I too find them incredibly energy draining. I once shared a small flat with one and started dreaming I would silence her by murder.

Conversation and building new friendships is about listening and talking equally. Maybe you were a tad rude in reply but it was in response to her rudeness which I know can be incredibly frustrating!

PlanesOverMe · 19/04/2018 13:58

I think you were rude. Being tired is no excuse really...

ificouldwritealettertome · 19/04/2018 13:59

Errm, I think it was rude, sorry. For future reference, if someone interrupts you, just keep talking. Literally just keep going no matter how awkward or weird it feels.

Do it once and they get the message.

KERALA1 · 19/04/2018 13:59

Also now what? Will you see her again? She fucking hates you now thats a certainty. You can't all sit around talking about breastfeeding any more won't it be awkward? She might be rallying the troops and telling others how unkind you were. If she has social capital you will be out. This would literally be my worst nightmare that I blurted something like this out.

PoorYorick · 19/04/2018 14:00

Some people are not nervous or socially awkward who talk over others, they are actually bad mannered, selfish and narcissistic

Oh for fuck's sake. Is there any minor social infraction that doesn't get you this ridiculous label these days?

KT63 · 19/04/2018 14:02

She shouldn’t have been rude and talked over people.

You shouldn’t have been quite so brutal in your response.

Tiredness isn’t an excuse to hurt someone’s feelings, everyone has their own shit to deal with, you don’t know what her life is like just as she doesn’t know what yours is like.

I’m not known for being tactful. I tend to be fairly blunt if someone has wound me up. Blunt, but not mean. I’m careful how I phrase things so I don’t hurt their feelings.