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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
Bluesrunthegame · 19/04/2018 12:01

I'm with the OP. I can remember going to two groups, not baby groups, where someone took over all conversations and just did not let me finish what I was saying, or seemed not to allow me to speak. At one of the groups, I eventually felt very sad and quite isolated so stopped going, and it was to a monthly event I'd help set up!

Constant conversation hogging is rude. We are all enthusiastic about some things so might be guilty occasionally, but to do it all the time is antisocial. It's also arrogant, I think, it's saying that everyone else is so boring and insignificant that their voices do not need to be heard.

If someone had said what the OP said to the people I encountered, they might have thought about how they interact with others and become calmer. Maybe the OP was a little blunt, but maybe she was just fed up with the rudeness.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 12:10

MrPotter You do this?? What, you talk over people? You interrupt them? Why?? Just don't. It's rude.

starkid · 19/04/2018 12:11

I can sympathise, I have a family member and a colleague who do this and it's so frustrating.

However I probably wouldn't point it out so obviously unless I knew them really well, and knew they'd take it ok.

summerinthecountry · 19/04/2018 12:13

Blue
By all means tell the person in a jokey or gentle way but to crush someone like this is horrid.
Yes the conversation hoggers can be tiring, but so can the silent types or the ones that ask too many questions, the boring, the moaners or the gossipy ones.. I could go on, in fact isn’t that just everyone?

Criticising anyone for doing their best in a socially demanding environment makes me think that somehow YOU think you are perfect. Above reproach.

So who is the arrogant one now?

and might I add there may be plenty of others in your group that do not like your conversation but are too polite and well mannered to say so.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 12:14

thiskitten
Was waiting for the first genius to point out that there was no abuse from a van Grin

The point is, you can't judge a reaction in isolation. It wasn't an opening gambit!

And now you're inventing extra detail about how the woman was about to confess she had problems with shutting up?!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/04/2018 12:15

Fuck that's rude OP. You could have just said you didn't fancy it for a million reasons.

throwcushions · 19/04/2018 12:17

You were not being unreasonable in not wanting to go and declining. But there was no need to say what you did and it sounds like you were unkind.

Even if she is rude and unbearable it's no excuse for being rude to her. Two wrongs don't make a right. That just makes you both rude.

MadMags · 19/04/2018 12:18

It's interesting that OP is new to the group and hogger isn't.

OP could (rightly IMO) find herself on the outs because of this.

Who wants a rude, spiteful person who might very well pass on those traits to her kid at a baby group?!

And AGAIN there were polite ways to reject the coffee. People seem determined to say it's either be a total cunt or have to spend the rest of forever listening to the woman.

Rational, decent, normal people know there's a whole world in between!

VimFuego101 · 19/04/2018 12:18

I can be quite awkward in conversations (not intentionally, I just find myself inadvertently starting to talk at the same time as someone else starts a sentence a lot). I would be absolutely crushed if someone said this to me. I feel OP's frustration but I think a simple brush off of 'I'm busy' would have been better.

Littlebitty · 19/04/2018 12:18

You sound mean and frankly horrible OP. I hope she can get over your mean comment and find some better more appreciative people to spend time with Hmm

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 12:19

@anxiouspeg

You can’t expect @kitten to just ignore your “abuse from a van” analogy (which is a bit of a weird comparison to make tbh) and then pick her up on her “inventing extra detail”. She said “for all we know”. And your sarcy use of the word “genius” is rude. If you’re as confrontational irl as you’re being on here then no wonder you think the op is some sort of idol.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/04/2018 12:20

I have an extended family member who has no filter and offends people with his 'honesty' all the time. I think he's a very unpleasant individual. Just try not to hurt people's feelings. She wasn't trying to hurt yours

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 19/04/2018 12:24

Whatever happened to just saying no if someone you don't really like invited you out? Confused This need for full disclosure and complete lack of private thought is quite a modern thing imo.

KERALA1 · 19/04/2018 12:26

We all know annoying people. We probably are them to some people.

What op did was cruel. Baffled at the scrabble to defend. All the posters weighing in with tales of their annoying hogging acquaintances have you told them how you feel?I bet not. And there's a reason for that.

MadMags · 19/04/2018 12:32

Oh no, there's been lots of "I have someone like this and I'd LOVE to, or I WISH I could" blah blah. But nobody actually does this in RL, yet here they are salivating over OP. Hmm

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 12:37

MadDogs Rational, decent, normal people also know that you don't have to 'pick sides' or 'sideline' someone just because two people have an indifference.

What kind of ppl to do you hang around with Hmm.

Maybe I could be sidelined, but generally I take ppl at face value not on what others have said about them.

I could would argue repeatedly interrupting and ignoring PPL is rude and a trait they might pass on to their DC. Can I also assume the way you through the words cunt and twat around so freely then that rude language is something you will pass on to your DC?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 19/04/2018 12:39

Maybe those posters should take their "you go girl" attitude and use it themselves in their own lives? Maybe spend a day telling everyone what you really think of them? Then come back and tell us all how it that went Grin

MadMags · 19/04/2018 12:40

Oh yeah, I sit them down from about 8 months and drill words like cunt into them, obviously. :)

You never did answer my question about what you wanted from the thread, and since mine are the only posts you seem to be engaging with, I wonder will you answer this time?

MadMags · 19/04/2018 12:42

And, Banoffee, a lot of people have loyalty toward their friends and long standing acquaintances so it's not outside the realms of possibility that they'll choose to distance themselves from someone who went out of her way to be spiteful and rude to a friendly request.

thiskitten · 19/04/2018 12:45

AnxiousPeg

thiskitten
Was waiting for the first genius to point out that there was no abuse from a van 

The point is, you can't judge a reaction in isolation. It wasn't an opening gambit!

And now you're inventing extra detail about how the woman was about to confess she had problems with shutting up?!

I'm aware of (and also in agreement with ) your point - that you can't judge a reaction in isolation of without context. However part of the context is that coffee lady had just extended a friendly invite to the OP. No part of what coffee lady did was anything remotely similar to shouting abuse at OP from a van. So your analogy was about as relevant as, something really irrelevant.

And I didn't "invent extra detail" - I said for all we know she could have been inviting OP for coffee to apologise if she came across as rude. My point being that we have no idea about the other woman's intentions in any of this.

londonrach · 19/04/2018 12:46

You abit mean. Somebody who does that is nervous and trying to fill gaps with talk. You might have destroyed her confidence.

ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 12:49

And, Banoffee, a lot of people have loyalty toward their friends and long standing acquaintances so it's not outside the realms of possibility that they'll choose to distance themselves from someone who went out of her way to be spiteful and rude to a friendly request.

They might not perceive her to be a conversation hogger. They might see her as the "life and soul of the party".

I know someone like this who commanders every social event with her anecdotes, but everyone present seems to be bloody love it so I keep schtum. Grin

Not that I would ever dream of telling someone that talking to them was a "battle that left me exhausted."

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2018 12:52

That was very unkind :(

I think there are much nicer ways to say ‘no’ without making someone feel horrible about themselves.

puglife15 · 19/04/2018 12:53

Yeah YABU. Regardless of her talking too much, the way you spoke to her was much ruder and much more personal.

I think you owe her an apology. She might have been annoying but she was never cruel. I've been exhausted for years with children who don't sleep and have managed never to say anything as rude as that.

You could have told her in a much nicer way.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 12:58

MadDogs I've engaged with other PP, but most posters are fairly balanced in their views. Your responses baffle me in how you focus on how rude I was and yet bend over backwards in defending the convo- hogger never once acknowledging her behavior as being rude. So the hypocrisy is astounding.

Plus I never went out of my way, I was caught off guard, on the spot, and with low energy levels and let me honest feelings be known in a poorly worded way.

I think the purpose of the post is clear in the OP. Hint - try reading the last paragraph? Wink

OP posts: