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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:

QueenOfMyWorld · 19/04/2018 11:15

If you know her fb details id send her a short message saying sorry if came across rude I was totally exhausted.You aren't saying you didn't mean what you say but might help

Confusedbeetle · 19/04/2018 11:15

This is sad. Op was rude and hurtful. Many of us chatter on out of self-consciousness, nervousness, excitement. Any fear of silences. There must have been a kinder way of breaking the flow without being crass and hurtful. Still, you achieved your objective, she will be so mortified she will keep away

thiskitten · 19/04/2018 11:17

@echt I think it is clear - why would someone be intentionally rude to someone and then put themselves "out there" extending an invitation to go for coffee? Coffee lady's actions showed that she clearly wanted to make a friend - why would she be intentionally rude to someone she clearly wanted to form a friendship with?
I understand that her interrupting probably was rude -but surely unintentionally.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 11:17

feudal eh?

I certainly haven't suggested I have perfect communication skills

But we should all be self-aware. It's not ok just to be a twat and go "Oh, that's just me". It's not ok!

MadMags · 19/04/2018 11:18

But it is ok to be a twat and go “oh I’m tired” apparently.

Jamboree05 · 19/04/2018 11:18

Fuck me OP. that was really bloody rude....

monkeychickenpig · 19/04/2018 11:18

Stop trying to explain your nastiness with you being tired.
It's not an excuse
People either have it engrained in them to be nice or not no matter their energy levels.
You must know in your heart of heart it was wrong

HoneyBadgerApparently · 19/04/2018 11:19

You sound like a horrible person. I bet she was just nervous and babbling.

Confusedbeetle · 19/04/2018 11:19

The other thing I would add is that in a small group like a baby group you usually find that the group itself learns to manage a person who dominates the conversation. It is also a good skill for the organiser of the group to learn to manage. As in " can we just hear what X has to say about this"

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 11:22

No MadMags the root cause of OP's rudeness was the other woman's rudeness

The tiredness was the aggravating factor that, regrettably, stopped her from doing the polite "let's all pretend everything's fine and you haven't been behaving like a twat" game.

thiskitten · 19/04/2018 11:25

@DanceDisaster of course I wouldn't ever say that - which was my point! I'm very socially awkward - it just presents itself in a different way. It's just differences in personalities and conversational styles.

echt · 19/04/2018 11:25

Why would someone be intentionally rude to someone and then put themselves "out there" extending an invitation to go for coffee

I don't think the OP was rude. They had plenty of evidence the hogger being rather wearing.

I'm gagging for the next thread where MNers line up to say why don't you tell her straight, etc. about some issue.

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 11:31

Oh I know @thiskitten! Sorry, I was agreeing with you m, that people have different chat levels and one person’s entertaining is another person’s rude. Ditto someone who’s a bit quiet and takes time to warm up.

Either way, it’s really a tad cunty to point it out, uninvited imo. Especially when you don’t know someone well, you only see them maybe once a week and they are asking you for a coffee, indicating that they want to be friends.

thiskitten · 19/04/2018 11:33

I don't think the OP was rude.

So if you extended a friendly coffee invitation to an another mum from baby group and they responded “I'd rather not as I feel you talk at me rather than being interested in what I have to say and I find conversations with you a battle that leave me exhausted.” - you wouldn't think that was remotely rude?

ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 11:34

I don't think the OP was rude. They had plenty of evidence the hogger being rather wearing.

You don't it's rude to tell a mere acquaintance asking you to coffee that conversing with them is a "battle that leaves you exhausted?"

frogsoup · 19/04/2018 11:37

I'm kind of in awe and horrified both at once! It's certainly something I've wished to say to some people at times. But then equally, I'm sure I'm guilty of conversation hogging at times, most of us are. I think it happens more with some friends than others - with the ones that are good listeners in particular I sometimes realise afterwards that they asked me a million more questions than the reverse, absolutely not because I'm not interested, but because I got a bit too enthusiastic and they kept asking more questions and then we ran out of time! .

frogsoup · 19/04/2018 11:39

And I do think you're dead wrong about the confidence thing. I have a really close friend who is quite loud and over-talkative when she's nervous. Once you're past that, she's amazing!

FrenchJunebug · 19/04/2018 11:44

good for you OP.

summerinthecountry · 19/04/2018 11:48

I find it so sad that anyone can think this is not rude.
You would struggle to use such a crushing delivery to someone you had known for life but to someone you barely know as they offer the hand of friendship is really cruel.
Feel worried about that poor mother now, what an awful thing to happen. I hope she can find it in herself to laugh off the spiteful comments and carry on with another much nicer baby group.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 11:50

I think the trouble is that, yes, OP was a bit rude... but people looking at that in isolation, which doesn't make sense.

I mean, it's rude to tell someone to fuck off, for example. But it would be an entirely justifiable response if someone had just yelled abuse at you from a van...

MrPottergaveDobbyaSock · 19/04/2018 11:53

I do this and I also come across as incredibly confident.

MrPottergaveDobbyaSock · 19/04/2018 11:56

I do this and I also come across as extremely confident.

OP, if I’d plucked up the courage to ask someone out for coffee to start a friendship and that person said to me what you did, you’d have absolutely decimated my self esteem and i wouldn’t be going back to the group, ever.

You were incredibly, incredibly cruel and convincing yourself ‘she deserved it’ doesn’t change that.

MrMeeseekscando · 19/04/2018 12:00

We had one in a social group I attend, coupled with judgyness and unwanted opinion.
She was spoken to discretely more than once. People stopped coming because of this mouthy woman. In the end she was told she was no longer welcome.
Not at all harsh on your part OP.
Unfortunately we have another one now. her days could be numbered. I really don't care. It affects a lot of people negatively.

fermerswife · 19/04/2018 12:00

Yes conversation joggers can be annoying but I'm sorry you were so so rude. That poor girl, maybe it will have been like water off a ducks back but if say it's much more likely she will be crushed. Whatever happened to "sorry we have plans". I think if she ever comes back you owe her an apology.

thiskitten · 19/04/2018 12:00

I think the trouble is that, yes, OP was a bit rude... but people looking at that in isolation, which doesn't make sense.

I mean, it's rude to tell someone to fuck off, for example. But it would be an entirely justifiable response if someone had just yelled abuse at you from a van...*

Yes of course but Coffee lady didn't yell abuse at OP from a van. Or anything of the sort. She just got a bit over excited to while trying to make friends and in the process was unintentionally rude in that she interrupted OP and others.

For all we know coffee lady may have invited OP for coffee to say that she knows she talks a lot and apologise if she's interrupted OP or if OP felt she wasn't listening etc etc

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