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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 10:15

MadMags There's a difference between my perhaps poorly worded way of describing my feelings to offering insulting and irrelevant opinions. My not wanting to go for coffee because I feel she's not interested in me (evidenced by not knowing my DD's name) is relevant to the invite, whilst offering up insults in this scenario would be irrelevant.

Telling a recent acquaintance that conversing with them is a “battle that leaves you exhausted” is highly insulting and way OTT, imo.

The fact that you are both part of a group is an aggravating factor, because what has happened will inevitably affect the dynamic of the group (if she even comes back). And you don’t know how the other “members” feel about this woman, whether they perceive her behaviour the same way you do, etc.

Piffle11 · 19/04/2018 10:29

Too many people go along with things they don't want to do, with people they don't want to be friends with, because they are too reluctant to be honest in case they offend ... without knowing how you said it obviously I can't judge how it came across. But I don't think there's anything wrong with being honest! It's not like you were horrible! I had (have? Still sometimes see her) a long term friend who did this: I would meet her and she would talk over me all the time - I mean, constantly. I would say something like 'took DS to the café last weekend' , and before I say any more, she would chime in 'oh I went to so and so with DH and we ...' and off she'd go. Every bloody time. In the end I would just sit there and wouldn't say anything, and you know, I don't think she noticed. It IS exhausting, and annoying. You might have given this woman the opportunity to think about future conversations and making an effort to let others speak, or she might think she's fine as she is and you're a rude bugger. Does it really matter if it's the latter? You don't have to make a friend of her. Don't have much advice for you: with my friend I just saw her less and less!

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 10:34

I'm wondering had the hogger been a man whether PPs would be queuing up to excuse the natterer as socially awkward.

Oh come on. I could just as easily say, “if the hogger had been a man, I wonder if the op would have openly criticised him like that if he asked her for coffee Hmm”? I seriously doubt it tbh, but I don’t know. Just countering this^^ hypothetical.

And I’ve already mentioned twice a male friend of mine who is a bit of a convo hogger, but he’s really entertaining. Nobody ever bitches about him that I’ve heard.

CadyHeron · 19/04/2018 10:37

Ouch. Well done you (not) on most likely making somebody go home and feel like utter shit.
She could have worked up the courage to ask you for a coffee, to have you come out with that.
Her response of quiet "Ok" and going home is telling, sounds a bit crushed as a lot of people would be.
A "no thanks" would have sufficed. For someone complaining about someone who won't shut up, you sound prone to a bit of verbal diarrhoea yourself.

stillfeel18inside · 19/04/2018 10:42

All these people saying “ oh I do that” (ie hog the conversation shamelessly and never have the courtesy to let anyone else speak - we, well don’t!

echt · 19/04/2018 10:43

Oh come on. I could just as easily say, “if the hogger had been a man, I wonder if the op would have openly criticised him like that if he asked her for coffee hmm”? I seriously doubt it tbh, but I don’t know. Just countering this^^ hypothetical

But that wasn't my hypothesis.

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 10:46

@echt

No, but it was equally irrelevant.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 10:51

OP could have been more tactful, and I know for a fact I wouldn't have been that honest... But I sympathise with her because I find conversation-hoggers so, so rude.

Those of you going batshit about how shocking OP's response was... Well, yes, I guess it's shocking because so often we don't tell uncomfortable truths to each other. In a way, OP crossed a boundary. Normally, we just bumble along, seething inside perhaps, or starting threads about CFs rather than actively addressing problematic behaviour.

But we don't need to be slaves to these imaginary rules. Conversation-hoggers are taking advantage of people's politeness. They are being rude. They can help it. Enough!

echt · 19/04/2018 10:56

^

feudal · 19/04/2018 10:59

OP appears to be saying this 'friend' is not a lovely person like the others in the coffee group - for no other reason than she has an annoying personality? Whereas OP's own bad behaviour is blamed on herself feeling crabby and she doesn't have to put up with 'annoying person'! This is why us longtime observers of playgroups/playground see these units as populated by both kids and the other 'children-with-wrinkles'. If you can't moderate your own behaviour to be kind and inclusive in a setting you are meant to be a willing and supportive participant then stay away. As this is just an extension of your children's life, which is your common theme with other members, can you not see why kids come home with tit-for-tat tales of strife? The apples never fall far from the tree...

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 11:02

@AnxiousPeg

Yes, we can either silently seeth in furious resentment, or we can ‘tell it like it is’ when someone hogs the conversation like this.

Or we could just do neither and think “oh ho she’s a bit lively” and go about our business.

I’ll save seething or confronting people I barely know for the rare occasions it’s actually warranted.

Topseyt · 19/04/2018 11:03

Asking you to go for a coffee hardly means she is not interested in you.

You were utterly nasty about a friendly gesture. You've shown her your true colours. Plenty of people can be over talkative, giving a veneer of confidence that they don't feel.

You are determined not to get it though. You are determined that your behaviour was OK. It wasn't. It was shitty.

thecatsthecats · 19/04/2018 11:03

You were rude and direct, but I don't think it's a horrendous thing, to be honest. Sometimes, people will be less polite than they would normally be, and another person might consider their behaviour a bit more.

As someone anticipating a weekend with my grandstanding oldest friend with as much trepidation as excitement, I can't help but feel a little bit pleased.

Last time we had a get together, she had a 'conversation' with our other mutual friend (word ratio about 95% all her) about skiing, for about 45m, whilst I sat there like a numpty. And yes, I DID try to interrupt, change the conversation, but she's like a fucking steamroller when she gets going - our other friend, the person theoretically interested, could hardly get a word in either.

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 11:04

if you can't moderate your own behaviour to be kind and inclusive

Like conversation-hoggers? Excluding other people from conversation due to your unstoppable mouth is the very opposite of kind and inclusive!

Ohwhatbliss · 19/04/2018 11:06

I don't want to make you feel bad but I suspect I was rather like this at my mum and baby group. The reason - I was exhausted, struggling to hold onto thoughts so blurred them out, in hindsight suffering from anxiety and in a new city and desperate to make friends. So this. Or maybe she's just self centred. Who knows. I met a great group of women who played a huge part in getting me through that time and are now treasured friends.

thiskitten · 19/04/2018 11:08

Clearly the coffee lady wasn't being intentionally rude. She was being friendly in asking OP for coffee. She was probably rude previously interrupting OP and others - but I highly doubt this was intentional, especially given the coffee invitation. The OP however was intentionally rude. Tired or not - op was rude.
Yes sometimes people do need to hear the truth - but you have to be tactful if you are going to start making personal comments or calling people out on part of their personality. At least make some attempt at tact. It might be the honest thing to do - but I don't particularly want to live in a society where people just walk up and say what they think of each other without any care for the feelings of others.
In any event I very much doubt she was previously unaware of her tendencies to over-talk.
I talk a lot when I meet people. I hate silences and they make me feel incredibly nervous. When a conversation dries up I feel like I have to find a new topic to chat about. With most people conversation just flows. But sometimes with others I have to work hard to keep a conversation going. I ask them a question and they give a short answer. I personally find that hard work and feel that it is sometimes rude too and it makes me feel like they don't want to chat to me (probably because they don't). I don't go around calling them out or insulting them about this - I just accept that we are different and have different conversational styles. I might not want to go for coffee with them - but I would just say no thanks and certainly wouldn't tell them chatting to them is like getting blood from a stone and I find conversing with them exhausting.

echt · 19/04/2018 11:08

Agre with you AnxiousPeg. I'm finding it hard to believe so many are piling in on behalf of the fucking rude. The hogger was the rude one.

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 11:09

I don't want to make you feel bad

Oh don’t worry; I don’t think you will!

AnxiousPeg · 19/04/2018 11:10

Dance disaster

Not sure what your point is? Are you suggesting that you immediately write someone off and just trundle on if someone annoys you? That's one option. But in a way, it's more constructive to engage with people - ideally not in a really abrupt way.

I must admit, I would and do just write people off and avoid them if I find them annoying. But I think there's something to be said for wading in with a criticism. It shows that you are sufficiently invested to want to change things.

Lethaldrizzle · 19/04/2018 11:10

A little tolerance goes a long way. I'm sure we all have character traits that annoy others - even you op

echt · 19/04/2018 11:11

Clearly the coffee lady wasn't being intentionally rude

Not clear at all.This is the get-out clause for so many who don't er..mean it.

feudal · 19/04/2018 11:11

AnxiousPeg - good for you having perfect communication skills and being able to observe yourself from above. Not everyone can. We are all wired differently and express ourselves accordingly. It does not mean someone on a different wave-length is not a lovely person too. Recipients in conversations who've willingly joined a group need to learn better skills in handling their own input into dialogue. Being rude is what is not lovely abut this. It shows the OP's immaturity trumps the accused lack of social skills.

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 11:12

with others I have to work hard to keep a conversation going. I ask them a question and they give a short answer. I personally find that hard work and feel that it is sometimes rude too and it makes me feel like they don't want to chat to me

I’m probably one of these people when I don’t know someone very well. I’m quite shy with new people and I sometimes don’t have anything to say, or I manage to kill the conversation If I then asked you to go for coffee with me and you said “no because you don’t talk enough and I find talking to you really hard work”, I’d be gutted.

echt · 19/04/2018 11:15

I'm sure we all have character traits that annoy others - even you op

Possibly the OP could have started with: I'm a bit of a cunt but you know what....

If all posts were predicated on the OP not being a perfect human being in themselves we could all go home.

trickyboots · 19/04/2018 11:15

Op that's the best thing I've ever heard. I think you'll have done her a massive favour in the long run. Are you always straightforward? Do people not take the piss out of you ever- that must be divine.
If you're concerned about being unkind text her and ask her for a coffee. You do like her but you want a 2 way convo.

It amazed me when entering the Mum arena for the first time the lack of social skills going round. I'm talking about the Convo hoggers, the people who turn their chair so they can see, seemingly oblivious to those whose view they obstruct and the folk who don't acknowledge new people/ others. I didn't take your approach - I sat and wondered if it was me...

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