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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Conversation hogger!

817 replies

Banoffeematernity · 18/04/2018 20:29

A month ago I started a new baby group and the majority of mums are lovely but one mum in particular is an expert at hogging conversations. I happily listen to her stories but I can never get more than two sentences out before she talks right over me with the next thing in her head.

She does it so effortlessly and without raising her voice, and I feel like it's a contant battle to have any kind of input. I find it exhausting and end up giving up.

Anyway today she asked me if I fancied going for a coffee next week. I was exhausted again as the LO has been crabby for a few days. I politely told her that I'd rather not as I feel she talks at me rather than being interested in what I had to say and I find conversations with her a battle that leave me exhausted. I honestly think if she subs me for a traffic cone she'll have just as good a time! (I never said that though).

Was that rude of me? I honestly had no energy to think up a decent excuse. Does anyone have any self defence tips for counteracting conversation hoggers... short of screaming 'let me finish one f'ing sentence FFS!' lol

OP posts:
LearnFromThePast · 19/04/2018 09:21

Sorry, but I also think that was rude. There are people who I don’t especially like, but I just say no thanks to invitations and that’s that. I often don’t have much time for people who tell it like it is.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/04/2018 09:25

Sorry, but talking over people all the time, interrupting them constantly when they are mid sentence, and never giving anyone a minute to breathe without being talked at, IS incredibly rude.
It makes the people you're talking over feel small, not as significant, and can be really damaging to peoples self esteem. Feeling they aren't interesting or important, what they have to say doesn't matter etc.
Even in cases where they suddenly remember something to add to a topic just passed, there's no excuse to just start talking when someone else is speaking. You wait til there is a pause, and you say "Sorry to cut in, i just remembered...."
People who make all the talk about them and then don't let you respond or move the conversation to something you'd like to talk about, but move on to another topic, of their choosing, again usually about them, are exhausting.

I think the gist of what you said was spot on. I might have worded it slightly differently myself, but then i'm a permanent people pleaser/complimenter and im not very forward.

Hopefully it makes her stop and think, but these people usually are so thick skinned and self absorbed it will roll off like water off a ducks back.

echt · 19/04/2018 09:25

Some ridiculous posts here.

The OP was not rude. Or would those who think she was care to say at what point, having accepted the coffee invite it would have been OK to say she needs to STFU occasionally? Is there a decent interval? The suggested distancing is pretty cruel, too.

She's more upfront than I would have been, but that's my fault, not a virtue.

I'm wondering had the hogger been a man whether PPs would be queuing up to excuse the natterer as socially awkward. Hmm

MadMags · 19/04/2018 09:34

Again, nobody said she should accept the coffee invitation.

I’m thinking maybe MN is translating posts to code here this morning, or something. Because a lot of people seem to be struggling to read what’s actually being written...

thiskitten · 19/04/2018 09:34

I think if you really wanted to say something you could have done so more tactfully.
I'm probably a conversation hogger and it's partly because silences make me feel incredibly uncomfortable so I have to fill them, and partly because when I like someone or am enjoying a conversation I get excited and carried away.
She was being open and friendly by inviting you for coffee and you returned with a personal attack. You could have just said you had other plans. I'd be upset if I was her and not because it's a shock to hear she's a conversation hogger and you've now enlightened her (if she's anything like me she probably very aware of this already)

DazzlingMilton · 19/04/2018 09:34

Lots of opinions here on what was said and why, but I just wanted to chip in to say I think it’s what you do next that matters now.

What kind of dynamic do you want with her and / or the group going forwards?

ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 09:42

All I wanted was a bit of social interaction to lift my spirits not to be continually barked at and interrupted.

If you were that tired, I think a simple “no thanks” would have more than sufficed.

From reading your posts on this thread, OP, I formed the - perhaps incorrect - impression that you think you’re rather witty.

How would you feel if you had asked a recent acquaintance for coffee, and they responded with a polite “I’d rather not, listening to your terminally dull repartee is a battle that leaves me exhausted”?

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 09:45

How about this: Sorry, Princess, but everyone’s tired. Why would she remember your kid’s name? Nobody cares except you and it’s a chavvy name anyway. Oh, and it’s a bit pathetic that you’re still struggling with tiredness and going on about it at this stage.

MadMags Wow, so you don't give a shit about any other kid other than your own, insult my DD name and think it's pathetic that a new mum is exhausted?....but yet are concerned that a person who continually interrupts and disregards other peoples input might be humiliated and hurt when I point out how she doesn't let me speak? Your tolerance/sympathy compass is really skewed Confused

You're attitude is what's pathetic and I think you're upset that someone who's behavior resonates so strongly with you would be challenged on this behaviour.

I find it hypocritical that a lot of PP have chastised me for being apparently unkind yet just because they're hiding behind a computer they can hurl far worse insults at me? Insults online are just as damaging as face to face.

Fortunately, I'm thick skinned so the nasty comments wash right over me, but I appreciate those more constructively worded responses.

OP posts:
registeredtrademark · 19/04/2018 09:46

To be honest, the people who get the most annoyed at conversation hoggers in my experience are those who have similar tendencies...

I have two friends who both have a tendency to hold court and dominate the conversation in a group situation. I love them to pieces, so overlook the odd time I get irritated over this. The only time this gets really uncomfortable is when they are together - they both accuse the other of the same thing. They clash massively.

I do wonder whether the Op (and those agreeing with her) are used to holding court a little themselves and get their noses put out of joint when a competitor appears...

Ginger1982 · 19/04/2018 09:49

How often do you hold this group OP? If she doesn't come back will you feel pleased?

MadMags · 19/04/2018 09:49

You’ve rather spectacularly missed the point! 😂

MadMags · 19/04/2018 09:51

But take how pissed off/upset you are at some of these comments (thick skin aside Hmm) and imagine how much worse it would be if they’d been said to your face, in response to an invitation to get together, by someone who could potentially have been a friend.

Are you getting it now?

elsmokoloco · 19/04/2018 09:51

OP, I'm sure your outburst truly came from a place of tiredness and frustration and dam just burst. What you said was probably all true, and she probably did need to hear it but your choice of when and how was terrible and you have no come back now. I've said a few Ill timed "home truths" and stood by some and others I've regretted and had to do some major bridge building. All because I vented unthinkingly. All you can do now is apologise and hope your apology is accepted.

aeromint · 19/04/2018 09:52

You are DNBU, OP. In fact I applaud you for speaking your mind and putting an end to this. However, playing devil's advocate here, how do you think this sentence could have worked: "Yes, sure coffee would be fine, all this time I have heard so much about you, so I am looking forward to talking to you about my life."

In fact I do have a friend like yours so I know how much of a time waste it can be - imagine being spoken to for an hour and you cannot even open your mouth because the other person just does not give you the opportunity to do so, you end up thinking why did I ever visit this woman - but then I know this friend has a really shitty life and the only way she can sometimes cope with it is to unburden it all on her close friends. I do love her, and I do indulge her at times, but if I have to say something and she keeps on speaking, then I just simply tell her: Hang on, hang on, give me a minute to speak - and THAT usually stops her in her track (though I know some CFers will keep on nattering about even after that) and I feel that even with new friendships, one needs to set this boundary and claim control.

If I was in your situation, I would have first asked myself; Is this woman worth being a long term friend, and can I just go to this coffee meet, see whether she is still the conversation hogger, and if she is, then I would have taken a decision to phase her out of my life. But I am NOT an exhausted mum who is reduced to being a mere listener in a conversation, so that's why I think you are not BU.

echt · 19/04/2018 09:53

I do wonder whether the Op (and those agreeing with her) are used to holding court a little themselves and get their noses put out of joint when a competitor appears

Couldn't be less relevant.

ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 09:53

MadMags Wow, so you don't give a shit about any other kid other than your own, insult my DD name and think it's pathetic that a new mum is exhausted?....but yet are concerned that a person who continually interrupts and disregards other peoples input might be humiliated and hurt when I point out how she doesn't let me speak? Your tolerance/sympathy compass is really skewed confused”

The PP isn’t saying that is her view. Rather she’s giving you hypothetical scenario to see how you would feel if anyone said that to you.

Judging from your response, it wouldn’t go down well at all.

EllaLavella · 19/04/2018 09:54

Gobsmacked that someone on here has said that Eva is a chavvy name! It definitely isn't!

ButchyRestingFace · 19/04/2018 09:58

Gobsmacked that someone on here has said that Eva is a chavvy name! It definitely isn't!

She didn’t. Ella is v nice too. Wink

MadMags · 19/04/2018 09:59

Oh good lord!

Amaried · 19/04/2018 10:02

I understand that's it's annoying and frustrating to be talked at and broadly speaking I think pointing it out to a family member or close friend is perfectly ok but you did it to a virtual
Stranger who was trying to befriend you. How much time have actually spent with her before you passed judgment and sentence.
Glad I don't know many people like you in real life. You didn't have to go for coffee with her but it was unnecessary to be so cutting to a person you barely know anything about. What ever happened to a little
Kindness.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/04/2018 10:05

registered i can assure you, as someone who agrees with the OP, that no, i dont have these tendencies. I avoid talking all together in front of people most of the time as i'm that self critical and anxious i worry i'll embarrass myself if i do talk. I even constantly apologise to my therapist for talking so much, even though i'm supposed to be talking!

I've just grown up with a VERY selfish, self absorbed aunt who simply HAS to be the centre of attention constantly. On the rare occasions i attended family get togethers, would home in on me, pounce, and go on and on and on about herself. Where she's been on holiday, what she got up to, where she's going next, what shopping/theatre/cinema trips she's been on, who with, ones shes planning, in detail descriptions of any and all injuries and ailments, and when she was finally done, there wasn't so much as a "So how are you?" she'd just get up and fuck off to find someone else to tell the whole lot to She had been specifically asked by my mum (her sister) NOT to do this with me, as i have a major health issue which means i can't go on holiday, can't go to the cinema/shopping trips/theatre etc and am mostly housebound, fell on deaf ears. After my mum died and contact grew scarce she got even worse as she'd reel off 6 months/a years worth of shit at me then bugger off again. She honestly wouldn't even bother with a hello, just plonk down and right off she went. I dared tell her i no longer wanted contact with her anymore as i found her to be rather selfish and self centred and she hadn't asked me once in over 6 years how i was, or shown any interest in me, but did to my sister. She had the ENTIRE of my mums side of the family sending me nasty texts and voicemails to the point im now NC with the entire family.

So yes, i applaud the OP for saying what i wished for over a decade i'd had the guts to say to my aunt.

harmfultohealth · 19/04/2018 10:06

Not everyone has the skin of a rhino though Op. You might have, others don't.

Imagine your child in the future in the playground at school. They are doing their best to fit in but make mistakes, come across badly sometimes. They see someone they like and ask them if they want to play. The friend turns around and says something like you did to that woman.

I suppose you would still think that's fine? Wouldn't make you feel for your child at all?

Most of us are still vulnerable to hurt as adults. You might not be, but don't assume that everyone else is the same. If you can't be kind, just leave people alone.

Original poster
Banoffeematernity · 19/04/2018 10:07

MadMags There's a difference between my perhaps poorly worded way of describing my feelings to offering insulting and irrelevant opinions. My not wanting to go for coffee because I feel she's not interested in me (evidenced by not knowing my DD's name) is relevant to the invite, whilst offering up insults in this scenario would be irrelevant.

Just to clarify this isn't my group, it's a group I joined about a month ago. I happily listen to others talk, but find it frustrating that I know a lot less about the other mum than this particular mum, because during group or one-on-one chats with other mums she continually steamrolls in with little regard to the others.

OP posts:
MadMags · 19/04/2018 10:10

Why did you actually start the thread? Was it so everyone would tell you how great and ballsy you were?

Ginseng1 · 19/04/2018 10:14

I know a person like this (non stop talker about herself n her kids like a gramophone) she's a total pain & she goes through 'friends' like water cos everyone sick of her avoids her n bitches behind her back. Its awful because I think she's a v genuine person but no self awareness n knowing when to shut up! I could well imagine losing the rag with her if I had to spend a lot of time with her but like most I avoid her n run the other direction if I see her. Is that any worse than OP? There's a person who is 'chatty' n person who drones on n on n on (like a demented kettle someone said above love it!) there's a difference!