Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

589 replies

jamoncrumpets · 18/04/2018 17:38

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

OP posts:
echt · 19/04/2018 10:55

In my defense I did it because I really liked my DH surname and always hated my own though, I'm 100% sure if I hated his name and liked my own I wouldn't have changed it

I wonder how many men change their name from Jeff Cock to Mr Smith on marrying Ms Smith?

Americantan · 19/04/2018 11:01

Not an arbiter Vlad, no one put me in charge. It’s my standpoint on it whether.

Americantan · 19/04/2018 11:02

Random whether

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 11:06

I wonder how many men change their name from Jeff Cock to Mr Smith on marrying Ms Smith?

Grin probably very little, I'm not denying it's still a sexist choice, I agree fully. i was still in my 20's and I don't know if I'd make the same choice if I were getting married tomorrow instead but it's a choice I made back then and I have to own that. I don't think that it makes me any less of a feminist today though

CloudPop · 19/04/2018 11:11

Someone demonstrating Barclays Bank's legendary customer service expertise told me i was acting illegally by still having a bank account and passport in my own name whilst being married

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 11:13

Someone demonstrating Barclays Bank's legendary customer service expertise told me i was acting illegally by still having a bank account and passport in my own name whilst being married

whaaaat? What did you say to them?

Gennz18 · 19/04/2018 11:15

cloudPop Shock Shock Shock

Elendon · 19/04/2018 11:16

Men get married and divorced without changing their name. Women should do the same.

Babies are automatically given the surname of the mother anyway.

mostdays · 19/04/2018 11:17

It's entirely your choice and anyone who thinks otherwise is being a dick, imo. My friend did not change her name on marriage and the children of the marriage have her surname, not their father's- the number of people who are right on and cool about her choice regarding her own name but really fucking hostile about the choice she and her husband made regarding the dc's names has been genuinely quite shocking to me.

Elendon · 19/04/2018 11:18

In fact:

When buying a car recently, cash purchase - this is important - I was still obliged to give all name changes I had regarding marriage.

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 11:20

It's entirely your choice and anyone who thinks otherwise is being a dick, imo. My friend did not change her name on marriage and the children of the marriage have her surname, not their father's- the number of people who are right on and cool about her choice regarding her own name but really fucking hostile about the choice she and her husband made regarding the dc's names has been genuinely quite shocking to me.

I know a couple people who got married and didn't the wife didn't change her name but they gave their children a double barrel name, I think that's more fair tbh

Elendon · 19/04/2018 11:28

But what do the children with double barrelled names do when it comes to naming their children?

It should be the mother's name all the way.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/04/2018 11:30

But what do the children with double barrelled names do when it comes to naming their children?

Each parent gives one of their surnames to the children. That is what happens in Spain and probably other countries.

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 11:31

*But what do the children with double barrelled names do when it comes to naming their children?

It should be the mother's name all the way.*

The Spanish way is they take one of each of their names to name their children

Dungeondragon15 · 19/04/2018 11:33

Someone demonstrating Barclays Bank's legendary customer service expertise told me i was acting illegally by still having a bank account and passport in my own name whilst being married

Unbelievable! What an idiot!! I would let Barclays Bank know as they need to realise that someone is giving false information out.

Elendon · 19/04/2018 11:35

It amazes me that women's surnames can not be seen as the default. I really don't think men are that bothered to be honest.

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 11:38

It amazes me that women's surnames can not be seen as the default. I really don't think men are that bothered to be honest

Well technically they are default if you're not married or kept your own name but I don't see what's wrong with kids taking both, I think it's a nice for them

littlecabbage · 19/04/2018 11:42

This is a really interesting thread. I did change my name when I got married (9 years ago). I did consider not changing it, but ultimately wanted my children to have the same surname as me, and expected that DH would also want the same name as his children. And as his surname was more unusual than mine, I was happy to change.

However, had I considered myself to have had the "better" surname (either more unusual, or if his was an embarrassing one), I would have strongly suggested changing to mine. My FIL (the biggest misogynist I know IRL) would have hit the roof! Grin

I think the ideal solution is for a family to have the same surname, but that the couple decides between them which one to adopt when they marry (rather than defaulting to the husband's). Obviously in some cases, reaching agreement will be difficult! I don't feel double-barrelling is the answer, as it only works for one generation.

Having said that, I don't judge anyone for doing differently, and definitely think a woman's surname is her choice and nobody else's.

Although I was content to change to my husband's surname, I did NOT change my first name, therefore post addressed to Mr and Mrs HisFirstName OurSurname really pisses me off!

As an aside, I want to ditch the current Miss/Mrs system, and have a system where your marital status is not visible. I'm not a huge fan of "Ms", but have heard that some countries have "Miss" till age 18, then Mrs after that. But I'd want men to be "Master" till 18 if that was the case. What does everyone else feel about the Miss/Mrs thing?

VladmirsPoutine · 19/04/2018 11:44

I once knew a woman who upon marriage refused to take on her husband's double-barrelled name. She said she'd be happy to double-barrell with her name+one of his last names, but not to take on essentially his mothers and father's name. She was utterly appalled by the notion that she'd forgo her own name take just to take on another woman's name.

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 11:46

Regarding the Miss/Master thing, my mother always puts that on my sons birthday cards "Master John Smith" Grin but yeah I know it's not used like Miss is, these are all such normalised everyday things, it's weird when you really start thinking about all this shit, isn't it?

FlindersKeepers · 19/04/2018 11:47

My experience IRL is that the women changing their name are unaware of the roots of the tradition. Those that are have not or would not change their name

This morning we booked our civil ceremony as we live somewhere where this is obligatory, regardless of any religious or other one.
During the booking I was asked about my future name.
The registrar gave me my options according to our legal situation - we have 2 different nationalities and are marrying in a third country.
So I had choices.
I am also fully aware of the background to the name changing.
I have decided to change to his.
Not because he asked (he didn't and it was a surprise).
Not because it was expected.
Not because his name is nicer particularly.

It was because my surname links me to my abusive family.
Yes, I could have changed it on my own, not remotely easy where I live though, it has taken me a long time to get ready mentally to move forward from the past and this is as good a way as any to make a further step into the future.

Non-feminist choice? Jeez. If only I had the time and energy to think about that, instead I've been kinda busy getting actual shit done instead.
That's what makes me a pretty OK role model to the kids in my life, rather than my signature.

Can MumsnetHQ bring a new book out: "All the things wrong with your wedding: a checklist"?
Inviting kids, not inviting kids, the date (not near birthdays), the dress (a dress? At your age?? In glasses?!), your new name, your old name, MIL (general), glue status of hosts and/or attendees...

VickieCherry · 19/04/2018 11:47

I recently had a run-in with Barclays - I'm Miss on my bank account (got it when I was 15/16, didn't think about it at the time) but have gone by Ms since my late teens and finally got around to calling to update it, as I was due a new card.

They insisted I couldn't change it unless I sent them a scan of my passport Hmm which is, annoyingly, also still Miss. I got it in a rush and just copied what was on my previous one.

Thankfully I need a new passport this year, so I'll change that and then my bloody bank account, and get a new card. FFS.

littlecabbage · 19/04/2018 11:48

Regarding the Miss/Master thing, my mother always puts that on my sons birthday cards "Master John Smith" grin but yeah I know it's not used like Miss is, these are all such normalised everyday things, it's weird when you really start thinking about all this shit, isn't it?

Yes, it often doesn't enter my head, but when it does, the subtle sexist messages it sends really bother me.

FlindersKeepers · 19/04/2018 11:49

As for "Miss/Mrs/Ms.", here I'm a Frau. Married or not, it is more linked to adulthood.

Elendon · 19/04/2018 11:51

But it's a choice Flinders and a choice your husband could have made if he wanted to because of his abusive family background, if he had one.

It's not feminism it's common sense!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.