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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re money

146 replies

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 11:22

I am really struggling with this.

Just got a joint bank account with my husband - I absolutely hate it as have realised how terrible he is with money.

Accounts switched and he didn’t allow for any of his bills and was going to rely on the overdraft

I have allowed for all my bills which has also ended up covering for stuff he was paying for meaning we are skint until payday.

We have 6 kids between us, he has one adult child I have 3 living with me, two adults one who is in FTE still one who pays rent and an under 18 and he has two other under 18s.

A further £20 has gone out of the bank today for his two younger children’s investment things that he started when they were born.

AIBU to say we either put £10 away each month for all 6 kids or he pays this from his own money after bills - as this does not seem fair to save for just two of 6 kids out of “family” money?

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 20:44

So he's been on the mortgage for 3 years but you have a separate agreement with your children's father that your children are to inherit the house. Goodness, you've really shafted this guy.

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 20:45

OMG - seriously only on MN!

I can easily write a will stating that the house goes to my children and the 20
Years of equity I have paid into and his kids can have a share of the three years he has jointly paid for - how is that financial abuse - seriously?!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 20:46

How the hell have I shafted him - seriously?

He came on my mortgage when my ex signed the house over to me what were we supposed to do? Not have a mortgage together?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2018 21:18

I can't believe this is still going on.

It's got to win the most bonkers thread of the month award. No one understands what's being said, every single post contradicts a previous post. It's absolutely and utterly bewildering.

Honestly I hope you make more sense in real life op. I genuinely don't know how you get through the day if you don't, or how your family cope. I am on here a lot, and other than Sharon and the wine stain on the wall, I've seldom seen anything as garbled and contradicted as this.

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 21:44

Thank you

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 18/04/2018 21:52

You can write a will but as joint owners the law is applied first will second

You need to be tenants in common stating each share - and should he die you will need to be in a position to buy him out or lose the house unless there is a clause stating sold if one of you dies the other can stay til their death

I have no ide why you thought god was a good idea.

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 21:56

If he is dead why would I need to buy him out

I also did not marry a man who I felt would try to rip off my kids after my tragic death - he does have morals!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 21:57

And yes we are tenants in common.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 22:02

Given you begrudge his children £40 a month I think the chances of you allowing his children to inherit his share of the equity if he dies before you are just about zero

I don’t begrudge them £40 a month - they get £500 a month and we pay for lots of other things too - where does it stop when he clearly can’t afford it hence the debt.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2018 22:02

Well you're accusing him of ripping you off now. Not sure why you're so offended at the thought of him doing it again when you pass. This thread is yours. You're the one accusing him of ripping you all off right now.

VanGoghsDog · 18/04/2018 22:30

Has it not occurred to you that his debts might partly due to supporting his own children, subsidising yours, plus having to pay his living costs while he’s away?

He's not subsidising her kids, he's just paying half the costs of a house he lives in and his kids stay in.
He is an earning adult, he should pay half the household costs (bills and mortgage, but not food when he isn't there).

If he builds up debts by having living costs when working away then he should find a new job - how is that the OP's fault?
Mind you, that's not real, it's just something you made up.

I lived with my ex, his DS lived with us, I paid half of everything, including groceries and savings, and we made joint savings for the DS, and yet I lived away in the week, paid my own rent and fed myself all week - I suppose, according to this, my ex was financially abusing me according to some people.

It is really hard to work out how to manage finances in these situations but if you don't have the same attitude to money it's going to be impossible.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 22:41

He's not subsidising her kids, he's just paying half the costs of a house he lives in and his kids stay in.
He is an earning adult, he should pay half the household costs (bills and mortgage, but not food when he isn't there).

He and his kids are only there for 14% of the time compared to her family. Yet he pays 50% of the bills.

That’s fine if you are splitting 50% of the costs for everything for the other children too. But the OP is objecting to that and insisting it should just come out of his money.

If you can’t see what’s unfair about that then you must be daft. If her children cost money it gets split 50:50, but when his children cost money it’s his problem? And not splitting debts (some of which the OP says on another thread were for improvements on her house) 50:50? Or his petrol costs? Or his kids savings?

Basically the OP wants to split anything which works out in her favour 50:50, but if it means money flows in the other direction they’re not a team or a family anymore and it’s his problem? Nobody with any sense would agree to an arrangement like that.

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 22:44

He has made some massive mistakes which have put him into debt. I have supported him through these and am not prepared to go into them on here. I married him and am choosing to support him.

His ex is terrible with money and when they split they (he accuses her but it’s they) had massive debt which he shouldered.

But yeah going through everything and him thinking it’s fine to go into the overdraft the first month has made me have a massive rethink - even about our marriage actually

My first husband was really controlling with money so it’s a huge issue for me.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2018 23:05

and am choosing to support him

No you're not. You're doing the exact opposite, you want him to support you and you have no desire to support him. That's the whole bloody subject matter of your thread. You don't want to support him. With debts, child maintenance, or even bloody petrol, but you want him to pay half of the bills inc your kids food.

Honestly it's like a car crash thread. I keep coming back to it just to see what contradictory thing you post next. I'm starting to think you're having a laugh.

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 23:16

When I have put him on my mortgage which I have had for 20 years and paid half for his home and all the bills whilst earning a third of what he earns and not dipping into the thousands he earns while away how the fuck am I expecting him to support me?!

OP posts:

caliroll · 18/04/2018 23:18

You need a serious chat at the weekend with a printout/spreadsheet of all your joint income/expenditure and agree a way forward. This thread is pre-empting a disaster of sorts. It doesn’t need to be.

Perspective is definitely needed here - it’s your first month with a joint account and you are having teething troubles.

Prioritising debt, reducing household bills by changing suppliers/making minor changes to food brands, etc will easily save more than £20 pcm.

What is the current overspend that is resulting in going into overdraft? It might be relevant that you give us some idea of the figures that you are talking about - yours and his. Going forward with a plan to take positive steps to perform damage limitation in future months regarding living in the overdraft (hopefully mutually agreed upon) will reduce your stress.

You’re in it together - make it work. Focus on the big picture!

VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 23:21

If he has all this money and is earning thousands why does he find himself going into the overdraft?

GreenTulips · 18/04/2018 23:26

I also did not marry a man who I felt would try to rip off my kids after my tragic death - he does have morals!

What if you divorce? You could lose the house you owned for 20 years and get saddled with half his debts

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 23:27

He got fined at work for doing something really fucking stupid.

He then got diagnosed with a mental health issue and did a few more really stupid things before he got demoted - twice - before he was offered support.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 23:28

His unsecured debts are in his name hence I do not want to go into the overdraft.

OP posts:

Mightymucks · 19/04/2018 02:44

But you said on another thread that at least some of that unsecured debt was spent on putting a new kitchen in your house.

A new kitchen will have increased the value of your children’s and your share of the home’s value. But when it comes to paying that debt of you don’t want to help? And you’re complaining it might take you into the overdraft repaying it? Yet you begrudge his kids £20 a month when he’s gone into debt to do something that has significantly increased the value of your assets?

You’ve got him done up like a kipper haven’t you?

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