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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re money

146 replies

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 11:22

I am really struggling with this.

Just got a joint bank account with my husband - I absolutely hate it as have realised how terrible he is with money.

Accounts switched and he didn’t allow for any of his bills and was going to rely on the overdraft HmmHmm

I have allowed for all my bills which has also ended up covering for stuff he was paying for meaning we are skint until payday.

We have 6 kids between us, he has one adult child I have 3 living with me, two adults one who is in FTE still one who pays rent and an under 18 and he has two other under 18s.

A further £20 has gone out of the bank today for his two younger children’s investment things that he started when they were born.

AIBU to say we either put £10 away each month for all 6 kids or he pays this from his own money after bills - as this does not seem fair to save for just two of 6 kids out of “family” money?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/04/2018 11:59

People always bang on about joint accounts on here but then these types of threads pop up along with the financially abusive dudes.

It’s not a good advert for joining finances. I don’t have a joint account with my husband, there’s just no need imo. Sack it off as a bad job.

MagicFajita · 18/04/2018 12:02

Food , mortgage , council tax and gas/electric etc all come under household bills for us. The only food that is separate is if you go for lunch with a friend , then that coat would come from your spending money.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 12:03

I know and I am trying to see it as “family” money but our family is quite complicated Confused

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 18/04/2018 12:03

*cost

MagicFajita · 18/04/2018 12:04

I'm sure you can get it sorted op , better that you talk about it now than when you're seething because you're £300 overdrawn.

Do you think your dh will be open to going back to having your own accounts?

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2018 12:06

I'm struggling to see the issue here. He earns more than you. His outgoings are higher. However disposable money works out equal.

So what's the issue? Because the account went into overdraft? Has he said this is normal for him? Because it doesn't make sense. If he has disposable income, and so do you in the account, why is it in overdraft, is it not just a timing thing?

And squabbling over 20 quid?

Viviennemary · 18/04/2018 12:06

We've always had a joint account but I have money in my own account too. A lot of people are now going over to separate accounts which I can see isn't such a bad idea. Not sure I agree with the concept of family money. If I get left money then it's mine.

HollowTalk · 18/04/2018 12:09

It sounds incredibly complicated, but I do think any savings for any of the children should come out of a personal allowance rather than out of family funds.

You obviously have very different attitudes to money (I'm on your side!) and I'd keep it separate unless there was an obvious solution, eg when all the children have left home.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 12:10

It’s not £20 - it’s the principle of putting away £20 a month of family money for two of 6 children - it’s not fair.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 18/04/2018 12:11

Put things back to how they were.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 12:14

So basically when he pays the bills that support your kids it’s ‘family money’ but when he pays his maintenance and savings out suddenly it’s not fair?

Plus he and his children are rarely there, so if you are paying the household bills out of your joint a/c he is actually quite heavily subsidising your children?

YABVU. If you want to save up £20 per month for your children then you need to cutback to allow that to happen. Because he is already subsidising your children.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 12:16

If you go back to separate accounts, he would be perfectly reasonable to say he was only paying 1/3 or even 1/4. And even then he’s still be overpaying if he’s only there at the weekend and his kids once a fortnight (minus mortgage if he’s on it and entitled to a share).

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 12:20

How is he subsiding my children when the maintenance and rent I receive for/from them is “family” money?!

OP posts:
caliroll · 18/04/2018 12:25

YABU - Agree with Mightymucks

Have separate finances - what you thought might be beneficial obviously isn't if you are stressed over the £10 pcm your DH is saving for 2 of his kids.

Are you really quibbling over £20 per month when it looks like you are financially benefiting far more than that in regard that he's paying for at least half, if not more of the household bills.

He is saving £10 pcm for 2/3 kids (the ones who are under 18 AND don't live with him).

You have one under 18 yr old who lives with you. Why don't you start saving £10 pcm for that DC yourself to even things up?

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 12:29

We are paying half of the bills each including maintenance to his ex wife, his kids phone bills (which I feel should he paid from maintenance by her as I do/did for my children) and saving money for 2 children.

I use more food but he uses more petrol. How is he paying more of the household bills than me? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 12:29

*should be

OP posts:
Sammy901 · 18/04/2018 12:31

I wouldn’t be happy with money being put away just for his kids from the family money. Money should be put away for all ‘family’ children or none at all.

To be honest, I’d go back to separate accounts with a joint account for all house hold bills.. so you both move X amount across to cover the running of the house, whatever is left in your own account is yours.

Maintenance and savings would come out of his own account along with petrol, phone, car insurance for his own car.

Same with you if you wanted to save for your kids it comes out of your own account, same with petrol/phone/car unless there equal and you agree for them both to come out of the joint account.

mrsm43s · 18/04/2018 12:32

*MrsSmile

How is he subsiding my children when the maintenance and rent I receive for/from them is “family” money?!*

You referred to it as your money earlier!

Basically if you have 3 children each, then it seems reasonable that the cost of all those children are shared. That's predominantly the bills/food/housing costs for your children, and the maintenance and savings for his children. If you don't want to split the costs if his kids, you can't expect him to pay towards your children. I do think it would be reasonable for the joint account to pay for £10 a month savings for each under 18 regardless if it's his child or your child.

It's hard to tell as your posts(and finances) seem quite muddled, but I get the impression that your getting a good deal here overall, so don't get hung up over £20 a month in kids savings.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 12:34

Sammy901

Would you put rent and maintenance from my end into the joint account and where would his maintenance come from - his personal account or joint? (Genuine question! Grin )

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 12:34

Because you pay in equal amounts. So he will be paying half of your bills too. And he’s hardly there so the vast majority of the bills are going to be you and your children.

If you say you don’t want his maintenance coming out of ‘family money’ he is perfectly entitled to reduce his share of the bill payments to reflect the fact he and his children are rarely there. I got the impression only one of your children pays rent. You either support all the children from family money or you both pay a share which reflects your own children’s costs. You can’t expect him to pay half the bills that support your children if when it comes to his maintenance that’s his problem.

You’re saying his outgoings are higher because of his maintenance. But if you’re viewing his outgoings as 50% household bills plus maintenance and your own as just 50% household bills, then you’re being really unfair because you split the bills when it comes to your kids but not when it comes to his.

Those children are part of your family too. So if you’re splitting it 50% 50% when it comes to your kids you split the maintenance for his 50% 50% too.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 12:35

So what do you want to do? Confused. I'm lost now - how did anyone ever agree to this set up in the first place. He's only there weekends and his dc there every other weekend yet you both thought it would be an idea to have a massive joint account for everything when he's not even living with you.
Go back to scratch. There's no way to even out bills vs petrol vs how much food everyone will eat and who pays for who's mobile contract. This way madness lies.

GreenTulips · 18/04/2018 12:35

Well you work out joint bills rent food etc

Then spilt that in half

You both put in half the money to the joint account.

Keep yours and remaining separate

We do this.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 12:35

And your maintenance only increase it to equal amounts. So you put equal amounts in, you pay equal amounts out when it comes to supporting ALL your kids. Not just the ones that live with you.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 12:36

I am not getting a good deal as he has debts which part of this was to try and sort out for him but after the initial switch where he spent money deliberately before the accounts merged I am having a massive rethink.

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 12:37

Well you work out joint bills rent food etc

Then spilt that in half

Why should he pay half of the bills?

He is only there at the weekend and his children are only there EOW. He will be paying for the OPs kids gas, water, electricity, WiFi etc while she refuses to contribute anything to his children’s upkeep.