Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re money

146 replies

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 11:22

I am really struggling with this.

Just got a joint bank account with my husband - I absolutely hate it as have realised how terrible he is with money.

Accounts switched and he didn’t allow for any of his bills and was going to rely on the overdraft HmmHmm

I have allowed for all my bills which has also ended up covering for stuff he was paying for meaning we are skint until payday.

We have 6 kids between us, he has one adult child I have 3 living with me, two adults one who is in FTE still one who pays rent and an under 18 and he has two other under 18s.

A further £20 has gone out of the bank today for his two younger children’s investment things that he started when they were born.

AIBU to say we either put £10 away each month for all 6 kids or he pays this from his own money after bills - as this does not seem fair to save for just two of 6 kids out of “family” money?

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 18/04/2018 15:44

OK, so you need to sit with him, agree what the joint costs are, agree what proportion you are each responsible for and put that into the joint account.

Then each of you do whatever you want with the remainder.

Obviously the 14% thing is nonsense - he has to fund the house whether he is there full time or not. I lived away in the week in my last relationship and paid rent where I worked but I didn't then have the right to stop paying half the mortgage and bills, the house had to be run, it still had to be there.

I'd say for mortgage and bills, as the two earning adults, that is 50/50, then take off the rent paid by the adult child as that is joint income as it is being created by a joint asset.

Then each pay that into the account.

He services his debt, pays his maints, benefits from his tax rebates, saves whatever he feels like etc.

You run amok with your child maints payments, save for your kids, create a 'getting away from this financially irresponsible manchild fund' etc.

I don't think it makes sense to have fully joint finances with the complex blended family, disparity in income and different financial objectives.

Furano · 18/04/2018 15:46

You can't really share finances like this when you have a complicated situation.

Have a joint account for all joint bills and agree how much is paid in by each or you each month. Agree what is a joint bill and what is individual. Cover your individual stuff from your individual accounts.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 17:30

I agree with the last two posts.

I am just furious with him that he led me to believe he had equal to what was being transferred from my account (about £800) and in reality £100 was transferred from his account meaning everything I had budgeted for this month has gone out of the window and we are both using the “joint money” which is really stretching us with a his loan payment coming out, petrol etc and this morning the investment thing goingbout made me Angry

And another week and half to payday Hmm

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 17:44

Well basically what you’re saying is you just wanted someone to tell you what you want to hear?

Has it not occurred to you that his debts might partly due to supporting his own children, subsidising yours, plus having to pay his living costs while he’s away?

Obviously the 14% thing is nonsense - he has to fund the house whether he is there full time or not. I lived away in the week in my last relationship and paid rent where I worked but I didn't then have the right to stop paying half the mortgage and bills, the house had to be run, it still had to be there.

It’s not nonsense. If one partner is refusing to contribute to the other ones children (as the OP suggested earlier in the thread), why on earth should their partner pay 50:50 when it comes to their children?

Anyone, male or female would be an absolute mug to agree with that. Especially if that partner is going to begrudge them 20 fucking quid a month for their own children.

This is typical Mumsnet bullshit. If a man with three kids was living with a woman and he expected her to shell out for half of his kids plus pay the full whack for her own she’d be told it was financial abuse and to LTB. Do it to a man and apparently it’s all fine and dandy. Actually a couple of weeks ago there was a thread just like that where a woman was told her boyfriend should be paying out proportionally to what his children consumed and people unanimously said ‘LTB if he won’t pay for his own children’

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 17:50

If I am putting all the money from my children in the pot to start with they paying half of everything on top from my wages how is he subsidising my children?

I still don’t get that - he owns half of this house - it’s his home, he has no living costs during the week other than food - which I normally make for him to take with him..

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 18:00

Because the money for your children makes your contributions equal. But the consumption in your household is massively skewed towards your children.

Put it this way. If before he moved in the bills for four of you was £400, him and his children would probably only increase your bills by about £50 a month seeing as they are there so infrequently. But he’d still be paying £225 a month and you’d be paying £175 less a month.

You just seem to have this attitude that you’re doing him a favour by including the maintenance. You’re not. You’re only paying an equal amount.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 18:21

No not at all.

The CSA deemed us living together so they obvs thought he spends enough time here which forced us into a position originally for him to contribute as he wasn’t actually living here or contributing but I lost all my tax credits but that was a long time ago and I wouldn’t still get them now anyway.

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 18:26

Yes. And you lost those tax credits precisely because YOU HAD SOMEBODY SUBSIDISING YOUR BILLS!! What an earth do you want? Tax credits plus maintenance plus 50% of your bills paid?

And that doesn’t change the fact he is subsidising your children’s bills now.

.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 18:30

What part of before he was contributing do you not understand?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 18:31

Not sure what ace you have to grind with me Mightymucks Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 18:32

*axe even

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 18:43

I’m just getting frustrated with you because you seem to be deliberately failing to understand.

I don’t know how much more I can explain it. You’re talking about working as a team, but you only want to split things 50/50 when it works out in your favour.

So you’re happy to do 50/50 when it comes to bills which support his kids, but when it comes to maintenance/savings/his debt which you said on another thread went on your kitchen then you don’t want it to be 50:50 and you want to put it all on him.

You can’t just split 50:50 when it works in your favour.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 18:43

Sorry, that should have said you’re happy to do 50:50 for the bills which support your kids.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 18:51

And the house at some point in the future means nothing. If he died tomorrow, his kids would get absolutely nothing. It would all be yours and your kids and a lot of that capital would have come about via his wages yet his children would never benefit from it. So £20 a month to his kids is really unfair to begrudge.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 18:56

No my kids would not get it - we are married it would automatically go to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 18:59

And I had the house for 15 years before I met him 8 years ago Hmm

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 19:00

Divvying up your assets is potentially another shit storm on the horizon.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 19:03

I think it is for any step family tbh.

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 19:19

Mrs Smile, if HE dies first, everything including the capital he’s paid against the mortgage will go to you and your kids. (And unless you are significantly older than him it’s a statistically good bet that’s what will happen. If you divorce he may get a small portion of the equity. Or you might make a will tomorrow specifying that it goes direct to your kids bypassing him.

That’s something you need to sort out too. Because equally, if you died tomorrow he could write a will and leave the entire house to his kids or the cats home and your kids would get nothing.

I’m not trying to be unpleasant, but if he has the slightest clue about money or maths, he’s going to sit down and realise this is a bad deal for him too.

Put it this way, if you split up tomorrow, he would be able to claim the equity he had contributed towards the house. As you have no children together and he was successful before you met it would be hard for you to prove that you had contributed toward arcs his success (eg by raising his children, freeing him to work).

He’d be able to go and get a nice two bed flat, pay off his debts with the equity and the money he was saving not supporting your kids and he’d be quids in. You would be left with you and your eldest child paying 100% of your bills. Which it sounds like you’d have difficulty stretching to tbh.

If he has much of a clue this will occur to him too. I don’t know if you really want to put him in a situation where he feels it’s in him and his children to cut his losses and leave, but you might well be doing that if you carry on with this attitude that you split credits 50:50, but any debits are his responsibility alone. Particularly over £40 a month when you are not getting a very bad deal.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 19:24

And don’t think that his word means that he will pass the house to your kids if he inherited it.

Do an advanced search on here, see how many stepparents who had an informal understanding they would allow their stepkids to inherit from them who go back on their word after they die. You really need to get some legal advice about how to protect your children’s inheritance in the case of your death pronto or everything you’ve built up could go elsewhere.

Xenia · 18/04/2018 19:33

One reason I will never move a man in - getrs too complex and they aren't worth the trouble.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 20:30

Firstly I would and have managed to live here alone.

Secondly I am perfectly well aware of the law and have already said upthread it’s something on my to do list.

Thirdly owvon earth can you come to the conclusion I am getting a “good deal” when you have no idea what my mortgage is or the amount of money involved - DH has only been on the mortgage for 3 years!

He wouldn’t be able to do that anyway as their dad signed over his share of the house to me under the agreement I would hold it in trust for our children, which the children know and I have written proof of.

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 20:40

He wouldn’t be able to do that anyway as their dad signed over his share of the house to me under the agreement I would hold it in trust for our children, which the children know and I have written proof of.

So in that case all the stuff you’ve said about him inheriting the house is rubbish.

He would inherit a small proportion. Which is not how you were presenting it all OP.

You are taking him for a ride. He is paying the way for your adult children to the detriment of his own children’s financial security and getting himself in debt buying you a new kitchen and you are offering little to nothing in return.

I have to say, you are financially abusing him.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 20:40

If a man came on here saying what you have said, he’d be called a financial abuser. And that’s what you are too.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 20:44

Given you begrudge his children £40 a month I think the chances of you allowing his children to inherit his share of the equity if he dies before you are just about zero.

You and your children are doing incredibly well out of this relationship and his children are being hugely shortchanged.

If he has even the most basic grasp of maths and a tiny bit of sense he would run for the hills. You’re exploiting him massively.