AIBU re money

[MrsSmile]

I am really struggling with this.

Just got a joint bank account with my husband - I absolutely hate it as have realised how terrible he is with money.

Accounts switched and he didn’t allow for any of his bills and was going to rely on the overdraft

I have allowed for all my bills which has also ended up covering for stuff he was paying for meaning we are skint until payday.

We have 6 kids between us, he has one adult child I have 3 living with me, two adults one who is in FTE still one who pays rent and an under 18 and he has two other under 18s.

A further £20 has gone out of the bank today for his two younger children’s investment things that he started when they were born.

AIBU to say we either put £10 away each month for all 6 kids or he pays this from his own money after bills - as this does not seem fair to save for just two of 6 kids out of “family” money?

I think you need to have all your money go into separate accounts and then pay proportionate amounts into the joint account to cover bills, rather than the other way around. It sounds like once money goes in to the joint account right now it doesn’t easily come back out because he’s spending it.

As for food, I think that’s a joint expense, though if he eats away during the week and that isn’t an expense he is reimbursed for, then I can see adjusting your proportional contributions for food slightly. Obviously if you are still paying for food for children and household things (washing tablets, loo roll, etc), that’s still something he needs to pay for whether he’s there or not because children still need that stuff.

We own the house and he has no actual other living costs other than food and petrol (ie he doesn’t pay for gas, electricity or accommodation where he is during the week).

In black and white figures, are you actually worst off? I suspect that you would have not gone down the route of a joint account if this was actually true, not just for this month but going forwards.

Your issue is that there is just more transparency with a joint account in that you can see all his main outgoings and don't agree with some of his existing ones. It's human to disagree now and then and MN is great to give you some perspective on this.

Imo, you're over-reacting over the £20 pcm savings for his DC. Are you saying that you can't afford it at all or are you saying that you would like to save £10 pcm for your under 18 yr old too?

He is only there at the weekend and his children are only there EOW. He will be paying for the OPs kids gas, water, electricity, WiFi etc while she refuses to contribute anything to his children’s upkeep*

I get rent from one child and maintenance for the other two which goes into the joint account

And yes food too. The OP receives maintenance from their father so it takes the piss splitting the food and bills in half because it will mean her children’s costs are being supported by her ex and her new partner. The maintenance from the OPs ex should be disproportionately used to cover the household bills leaving her with less money anyway if it is fairly split.

Ok, so it's not the same disposable income each? Or it is but his outgoings are higher due to maintenance and savings, hence you think he should pay those things from private money and you should have higher disposable income because you shouldn't contribute to his maintenance and savings.

Honestly it's really confusing how you've written this out , and I don't think any of us get why if you wrote it all down before hand you've changed your mind on the first month.

However just tell him, you will each put an amount into the joint account to cover actual joint expenses and you will each pay things like maintenance and child costs out your own money.

I don’t know yet - I didn’t actually do it to be better off.

I just recently got promoted and he had a pay cut.

I would have done this years ago when I was on £18,000 a year and he was on £60,000 if I had wanted to benefit from a joint account.

He deliberately spent money before accounts were merged? He has debts and you don't?

It is confusing it’s really complicated and sorry if I complicated it further the way I have written it.

I totally agree that rent and maintenance for my children should go into the joint account plus my half of the bills on top of that.

I think then his maintenance and phones and saving for his kids (and my kids phones, bus passes etc) should maybe come out of personal money.

MagicFajita

Yes

I get rent from one child and maintenance for the other two which goes into the joint account

Yes, but all your bills go out of the joint account too! And they only make equal amounts! And presumably you are saying his outgoings are higher based on a 50% 50% bill split but you add his maintenance just to his half

If you’re splitting the bills 50:50 that includes maintenance too! You can’t insist on a 50:50 bill spilt when those bills disproportionately benefit your family then when it comes to his family say ‘well that’s your problem’!

You should probably be paying at LEAST 2/3 of the bills and food out of your half of the income if you go back to splitting it.

The money I get for my children goes into the joint account.

On top of this I pay half the mortgage etc from my wages.

But all his earnings go into the joint account? So are you saying he should pay maintenance from his savings?

The issue here is uou don't want to feel like your paying any of his maintenance, but you want him to contribute to your kids and you whilst he's away during the week?

Why save for the other kids if they are adults? Doesn’t make sense.

This can be as easy or as complicated as you want.

You need three accounts. Your bank will set them up for you.

Mortgage and bills - pay all income into here and get all bills paid from here

Savings - pay what you can afford in here monthly - create a standing order from your mortgage and bills account

Spending money - the remainder of your cash goes in here and is split between you

Don’t go to war over £20 it isn’t worth it!!

I won't ask but I do hope that your only differences are financial ones.

You can’t insist on a 50:50 bill spilt when those bills disproportionately benefit your family then when it comes to his family say ‘well that’s your problem

This is exactly what it sounds like you're saying.

So, if you kept your maintenance from your ex and rent money from your DC separate, how much would you contribute to the joint account? If your DH did the same, how much could he contribute to the joint account? This would not be equal and could be viewed as "unfair" if he pays half especially since he's only there at the weekends! Can you pay your household bills without your DH's income if you exclude the rent and maintenance?

The money I get for my children goes into the joint account.

On top of this I pay half the mortgage etc from my wages.

But if you’re refusing to view his maintenance as a family bill then including the maintenance and rent you should be paying at least 2/3 of the bills, not 50%.

Your outgoings should be bumped up to reflect your children’s higher contribution to the household bills and then the money divided after that. Not minimising your contributions to 50% and calling his 50% and insisting his maintenance has to come from his half of the leftover money.

Do you not understand, he is contributing an equal amount to the household budget including your maintenance and rent. So if you split bills 50% 50% he is paying over the odds for his share of the costs for your children, but you will not share the costs for his children.

If you won’t view the children as all one family who you equally support he is entitled not to view your children in that way either.

So a fair split would be:

Your family between you are present in your house 4 x 365 days a year. That is a total of
1,460 days.

His family are present:
Him 2 x 56 days (104 days) plus 2 x 2 x 26 days. Total of 208 days.

You and your children spend 85.75% more time in your home than him and his children. Benefitting from the gas, electric, water TV.

So the split should be:

You:
Incomings: Your wage, maintenance, rent
1/2 mortgage (if he’s on deeds, if not you should pay the equity plus half interest)
86% of bills

Him: Incomings: His wages
Outgoings: 1/2 mortgage (or half interest if not on deeds)
14% of bills
Maintenance

You are ripping him off big time by over paying for your children while refusing to contribute to his!

If he’s in debt no bloody wonder!

MrsSmile - the rent and maintence you receive would go into your own account along with your wage. It’s yours.

You both agree a figure between you that you each pay into the joint account to cover all household bills.

How is he paying for my children when I am
puttIng in an extra £500 (for example)whichbis maintenance and rent from my kids and then splitting everything 50/50 after that and atm everything for his kids which is more than my £500 is coming out of the joint account.

You both agree a figure between you that you each pay into the joint account to cover all household bills.

If the OP refuses to contribute to his children’s maintenance the OP can only fairly ask him to pay 14% of the bills. That’s all his family use.

So you're saying if you paid two thirds of the bills, to cover food, mortgage, utilities etc, his maintenance is still more than the extra you would need to fund when you bump it up to 66 percent of the costs?

Because it’s NOT an extra £500. It’s ONLY EQUAL TO WHAT HE PUTS IN WITH HIS HIGHER WAGE.

If you didn’t put that in and kept it aside then he would be paying more of the bills because he put more money in. Then he’d be paying for 75% of the bills and you 25% of the bills.

You adding the maintenance is not giving him extra, it’s just making it equal!

And then you pay equal bills despite the fact 86% of the usage will be from YOUR FAMILY!

If she’s putting an extra 500 into the joint then him I think she covering her share.

Bluntness, it should be 86% of the costs.

If the OP is insisting they support their own kids that’s the only fair split.