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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re money

146 replies

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 11:22

I am really struggling with this.

Just got a joint bank account with my husband - I absolutely hate it as have realised how terrible he is with money.

Accounts switched and he didn’t allow for any of his bills and was going to rely on the overdraft HmmHmm

I have allowed for all my bills which has also ended up covering for stuff he was paying for meaning we are skint until payday.

We have 6 kids between us, he has one adult child I have 3 living with me, two adults one who is in FTE still one who pays rent and an under 18 and he has two other under 18s.

A further £20 has gone out of the bank today for his two younger children’s investment things that he started when they were born.

AIBU to say we either put £10 away each month for all 6 kids or he pays this from his own money after bills - as this does not seem fair to save for just two of 6 kids out of “family” money?

OP posts:
Sammy901 · 18/04/2018 13:31

OP - I would go back to split accounts and I wouldn’t be putting your child’s maintence in there at all.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 13:33

If she’s putting an extra 500 into the joint then him I think she covering her share.

She’s not, the OP says:

He earns more than me but with the maintenance and child benefit and my elder sons rent it probably works out evenly.

The 500 just makes it an equal 50:50 split. If she took that away he would probably be paying more like 75% of the bills and that would make it even more unfair!

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 13:35

OP - I would go back to split accounts and I wouldn’t be putting your child’s maintence in there at all.

If she removes her child maintenance from the family budget then she cannot reasonably expect her partner to continue to pay 50% of bills which disproportionately benefit those children.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 13:37

You’re not doing him a favour by adding the maintenance when it only makes your contributions even and means he is not paying an even greater share of the bills!

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 13:39

For the last 8 years I have earnt a 3rd of what he earns and have paid half of all the household bills and put him into a mortgage I had before I met him.

I now earn a bit less than him although his job takes him away for months sometimes when he earns a lot more so therefore has a lot of money when he gets back which I have never touched.

He has debts which I will be paying half of on top of paying everything I get for my children and my wages into the joint account, his maintenance etc also goes out of this account as it stands at the moment.

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 13:50

For the last 8 years I have earnt a 3rd of what he earns and have paid half of all the household bills and put him into a mortgage I had before I met him.

I now earn a bit less than him although his job takes him away for months sometimes

Even if you were earning less than him by paying 50% of the bills he was STILL subsidising you and your children because he and his families contribution to those bills is so much lower than yours.

The fact he goes away for months is part of the point. He is not there, yet he continues paying over the odds for gas, electric, food, etc, etc, etc that his family aren’t using. Your family are using most of those resources but he is paying half.

Yet when it comes to his family you want to contribute nothing.

If his debts are not related to you or your home and weren’t agreed jointly with you then they should come out of personal money.

But with the bills, you cannot expect him to contribute over the odds to your children’s consumption whilst refusing to pay towards his.

If you don’t want to pay towards his maintenance then YOU have to pay 86% of the household bills as that fairly recognises the split of usage.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 13:56

We are a family Hmm. This is his home, if I dropped dead it would be his and I have paid a lot more into than him and I don’t have a will at present which I need to sort out.

I don’t have an issue tbh with paying the maintenance out of joint money - I have allowed myself to be sidetracked by PPs. His two younger children’s mother will also get £20,000 when he leaves his job in a few years.

I just have an issue with helping him out with his debts and also saving money for two of six children. It’s not £20 is it - it’s £20 per month. I feel for his eldest child actually as he benefits the least from anything.

OP posts:
MeMyShelfandIkea · 18/04/2018 14:21

OP that was quite the drip-feed about your DH's debts (which I am assuming weren't spent on you or your family). If I were you I would put the energy you are using to justify yourself on here to working out the actual mortgage/bills and percentages as per Mightymuck's calculation fornula at 13:14pm but using your own actual figures, then paying that proportion into a joint account. Anything else remains in your personal account. So even if you pay say 86% of the bills, then in real terms you would still be better off because those bills won't be including debts or maintenance/savings/phone bills for his DC therefore you'll be paying 86% of say £1000 = £860 payment from you rather than 50% of say £2000 = £1000 payment from you.

JustOneMan · 18/04/2018 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 14:43

You aren’t operating as a team though are you if there is a disparity in that we are saving for two of 6 children.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/04/2018 14:45

I'm totally baffled too, if he earns a lot more than you is he not putting his whole salary into the joint account like you are? Why does he have debts if he has a lot of money saved.

None of it makes sense.

Mighty mucks your right,,

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2018 14:47

Then just start saving a tenner a month for your kids. What's the big deal?

caliroll · 18/04/2018 14:49

Did you have the same issue before you had a joint account or because you didn’t have knowledge of him saving £20 pcm for his DC, it clearly wasn’t an issue?

Why can’t you save £10 pcm for each of your DC out of the joint account too since you pay your child maintenance into it? You don’t have to ask permission now that it’s a joint account you know.

caliroll · 18/04/2018 14:51

It’s strange to save for an adult DC who is paying you rent though. Maybe, you should discount the monthly rent by £10 instead.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 14:54

The whole thing has been so garbled I'm not sure which of you is being unreasonable. Initially I thought he was but it would appear you are because he's earning more than you - is practically never home but is still paying bills etc; his dc are only there EOW whilst yours are there full time. If you begrudge the £20 a month for his dc then start doing the same for yours.
On another note; encourage your dc to always maintain financial independence. It's only sensible planning.

Mightymucks · 18/04/2018 14:57

But what your proposing is that if he saves just for his kids it comes from his money, but if you save for all the children it comes from both of you. Which again means your children are disproportionately benefiting from their father’s income because there are more of them.

Why can’t you both just save £20 for all your children? That appears to be because you want him to reduce his own free money to contribute to his children, but you’re not prepared to reduce your own free money for YOUR children.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 14:57

We just got it - we have had separate finances until now and just paid joint things together.

I had saved for my MOT. He had debts when we decided to join everything.

We cannot really afford to save money for any of the kids until we get on top of his debts or save any money for ourselves. My point being it’s unfair to put money aside for two kids sndbthe others have none put aside for them and it’s it’s to pay for those things while taking out loans and paying for things on a credit card.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 14:58

It’s nuts sorry.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/04/2018 15:04

Op to clarify why everyone is confused.

You started by saying he earned more and his outgoings were higher. Your earnings were less, but your earnings less and it was equal where you had both the same disposable income.

Everyone clearly assumed his maintenance and debt repayments were inc in his outgoings,

Now you have said basically this is not the case. In addition to his outgoings, there is maintenance and debt payments, which he is expecting you to pay half off. Are you sure this is what you mean to say?

In addition, you're now talking about your maintenance as if it takes you way over what his earnings, again are you sure you mean to say this?

You seem hung up on what seems to be a small savings policy that has been going on probably for years. None of us understand if you wish to take out policies for your kids why you don't.

The 20 k for his ex, I am assuming is part of a divorce settlement. And nothing to do with you, why raise it?

The debts are bizzare. You say he has savings, and a lot of money sometimes. Why is he not paying it off.

You then say the amount extra he has to pay to subsidise your kids food and bills is offset by his petrol. Yet earlier you told us this was refunded.

You start also by saying he lives on his overdraft. Then tell us he has savings and a lot of money, why would he rely on his overdraft if this is the case?

Nothing is clear. You say one thing and then you change it on the next post. That's why no one can understand what you're saying.

Bluntness100 · 18/04/2018 15:06

it’s to pay for those things while taking out loans and paying for things on a credit card

This is mind boggling. Now there is no money and you're both taking out loans and paying for things on credit card?

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 15:13

Everything goes into one account and all bills including maintenance come out of there - or that is the plan.

I have no loans or credit cards he does and IMO has been paying out for things he cannot afford - this has only become apparent to me recently. He gets money for some petrol which gets swallowed up in his wages but is included in the CMA’s calculation of his salary.

He gets a tax return too which in previous years he’s just blown.

He comes back, pays off his debts then gets into debt again, and basically living way beyond his means.

I don’t know the full ins and outs of what exactly he has been spending on as he’s not here in the week.

OP posts:
PollyPelargonium52 · 18/04/2018 15:17

I would second what an earlier poster said about closing the account. You don't want to shoulder additional debt on his behalf.

Original poster
MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 15:18

I guess the crux of my issue is that I would prefer to save up whereas he is happy to spend and then pay it off.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 18/04/2018 15:27

Presumably he is used to just paying the overdraft each month? So if you have put enough in could you just leave it to accrue an overdraft he has to pay?

YearOfYouRemember · 18/04/2018 15:41

This reads like a very new relationship.

I couldn't respect someone who tried to trick me/rip me off. Through the over spending before the merger.

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