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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Gifting Etiquette

119 replies

ladydanger · 18/04/2018 09:35

I recently got married in London and had a honeymoon registry as we have been together for many years and have enough stuff. Our registry started at £20 so we certainly was not expecting massive contributions. Not everybody contributed to the wedding or gave gifts (which I was surprised about but apparently this is reasonably common) but the bit I am having a slight issue with is my sister-in-law.

She, her husband and her two young girls were invited to the wedding (the only kids – they are important to us so we did want them along). Her daughters were flowergirls (which we paid everything for), they live just outside of London so did have to pay for one night’s accommodation at the Travelodge.

Throughout the years I’ve known her, we consistently visit them as they find it difficult to come to us (totally fair with kids) – when we do, we always pay for everything – dinners out, activities for the kids etc. We also always ask what the girls want for Christmas, Birthdays and Easter and generally think we are fairly generous. The last few times we’ve contributed money instead of gifts as per my SIL’s direction for things like ‘re-decorating the girls room’. When she got married a few years back, they also had a registery which we gladly contributed to to start their life. I know my husband has also given her money in the past.

Both her and her husband work and she does make a point of letting us know they’re just getting by – however, they go on an annual holiday to Europe and her daughters are, to be blunt, pretty spoilt. My partner and I are by no means wealthy but it is likely we do earn a bit more – and we have always shared that with her – but I also think that we are more frugal and careful which is why we are able to spoil the people we love in our lives on special occasions.

Anyhow, for our wedding she gave us a £50 gift voucher to an Italian restaurant chain. I am gluten intolerant (as she knows) and we rarely eat pasta / pizza. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I don’t understand why she would’ve decided against contributing that to the honeymoon registry (I know she doesn’t have a problem with monetary gifts as they had a registry at their wedding and we have given her money in the past as gifts to her girls rather than presents).

I guess I just feel a bit hurt that after the years of generosity from our side I thought the first time she would ever have to gift us something – her brother getting married – she may have been a bit more thoughtful about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/04/2018 09:42

This is why 'give us money as a gift' is such shit. Then people start tabbing up what they've given someone in the past in terms of gift values and get hurt if they feel they haven't been given enough money as a gift in return, still other people feel compelled to give more money than they can afford as they don't want to look cheap, some brides and grooms waste their time and energy calculating who gave what and develop feelings like yours - 'Not everybody contributed to the wedding or gave gifts (which I was surprised about but apparently this is reasonably common)' even when they're sent out wanky inserts in the invitations with 'Your presence is our presence but if you want to give us money' (basically telling people they don't have to give a gift but then, like you, getting arse out of kilter when people take them at their word).

YABU.

Let it go.

user1493413286 · 18/04/2018 09:49

I agree with you; i was a bit surprised that quite a few people came to our wedding and didn’t give a card or gift as I’ve always thought it polite to at least give a card and I’ve given what I could afford.
I also was surprised that a few people gave us vouchers when really we would have preferred the money to go on our honeymoon but I’m aware that sounds ungrateful.
My sister in law didn’t give us a wedding gift and we’re also in a position where we always pay for her as she seems to think we have a lot of money when in truth we probably have less available cash than her as while we earn more we have higher outgoings, cars, kids etc

Original poster
ladydanger · 18/04/2018 09:52

I was surprised about that as I would never turn up to a dinner party empty handed much less a wedding.

I have no problem with the other guests who didn't give us gifts (wedding's are certainly not supposed to be a gift grab of any sort!), just my SIL as she's family, I feel we have always been generous with her and on this one occasion she opted for a voucher for a place she knows I can't eat at.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/04/2018 09:56

So your ire is all directed at your SIL and not your brother? He's part of the team with her, you know.

'(wedding's are certainly not supposed to be a gift grab of any sort!),'

Yet you've been spending time calculating who gave you what money. Hmm

Would you expect to hand your dinner party host cash rather than bringing them flowers, a bottle of wine you may have had sitting around or re-gifted, making a dish?

Spam88 · 18/04/2018 10:00

I thought your post was leading up to saying she didn't get you anything, and I was going to tell you to get a grip. But I see she did in fact get you a £50 gift, so you should get even more of a grip.

We had a few guests who didn't get us a gift, and I was actually very happy they'd listened to us saying we didn't want anything, especially given that they were people who I know money's a bit tight for at times and who'd travelled to the wedding. I also didn't get a card or gift off either of my siblings, who gives a fuck? 🤷‍♀️ they were there to celebrate with me which is the reason I invited them to the wedding, funnily enough.

I think a meal out for newlyweds is a nice gift. Does this place really not do any gluten-free options? Surely everywhere does these days.

Spam88 · 18/04/2018 10:02

expat SIL is her DH's sister, not her brothers wife I think.

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 10:05

People on MN are so weird about wedding gifts.

If you go to a wedding you give a gift end of.

All my European friends give a monetary gift which would cover the cost of them attending the wedding.

Your SIL and presumably DB gave you a gift - ok she forgot you ate gluten intolerant which was a little thoughtless but so what?

Get over it.

I invited 6 colleagues plus partners to my wedding (whole event) and they gave us a £60 voucher between them

expatinscotland · 18/04/2018 10:05

It's beside the point, she gave them a gift, just not what the OP wanted.

Original poster
ladydanger · 18/04/2018 10:06

Expat - I'm not sure why I need to direct any ire towards my husband (I assume you mean husband and not brother?).

If my dinner party host had said 'hey, can everyone chip in' then yes I would absolutely do that. And I have been to dinner parties before when the host has has asked for £20 pp and I don't see that as a problem at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladydanger · 18/04/2018 10:10

And like I said - others didn't give gifts - I don't care about that. I think I was feeling a bit miffed as she is family and thought she might've been more generous / thoughtful.

But perhaps I am just being ungrateful and will need to get over it!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/04/2018 10:11

'If my dinner party host had said 'hey, can everyone chip in' then yes I would absolutely do that. And I have been to dinner parties before when the host has has asked for £20 pp and I don't see that as a problem at all.'

But other people do, and you can't dictate to them how they should spend their money. You can't claim you're not bothered if people didn't give you a gift on the one hand but then get miffed by the fact someone gave you something that wasn't on your terms.

Far too many times, the couple do this wanky thing of saying 'Your presence is our present but give us money' and then calculate how much people give (or didn't) v. how much they, the couple, have given in monetary value of gifts or get upset when they believe a person hasn't given them enough.

It's very sad that, in what should be the blissful time of being a newlywed, you're wasting energy being upset about how much people gave you as a gift.

Spanglybangles · 18/04/2018 10:14

I kind of agree with you OP. What I think you are saying is that the lack of thought is the issue, not the gift value. More that your SIL (and BIL) not only ignored the money request (when she has made the same request in the past and you have obliged), but then opted for a voucher for a place you wouldn’t go to due to dietary issues which she knows about = totally thoughtless.

You are justified in your disappointment, but best just let it go and not stress yourself out about it. Some people just aren’t very thoughtful despite being happy to have others pander to their wants which is a sad reality. I would regift the voucher to someone you know will appreciate it.

Thingsthatgo · 18/04/2018 10:21

I would always think vouchers are more personal. Ok, she forgot the gluten thing, but maybe she was thinking... my dB and ladydanger will have a lovely meal out together after they are married, and they’ll think of me over their Caesar salad. Smile

RedForFilth · 18/04/2018 10:23

I'm not married but I can't imagine sitting there totting up who did or didn't give a present or what it was!
I think I was feeling a bit miffed as she is family and thought she might've been more generous / thoughtful I think 50 quid is really generous! More than I could afford! And I hage coeliac disease but would still see a meal out as thoughtful as everywhere has gluten free options these days, not like when I was a child 20 years ago and had to get bread on prescription! Call ahead and ask.
Also, I had no idea that going on holiday meant people scrutinise how much you spend on them!

Thingsthatgo · 18/04/2018 10:25

Also, I know this wasn’t in the op, but the thing of covering the cost of attending the wedding in a cash gift really gets my goat! There is no way I would have expected that at my wedding, and there’s is no way I am going cough up the cost of a mediocre lunch and some very average wine, when I have already spent £££ on travel, hotel, clothes etc. (I don’t really like weddings, I would much rather spend the money on a trip to the theatre!)

ajandjjmum · 18/04/2018 10:26

OP
I would suggest that going forward you cut down on the generosity. DH and I always paid when we took the in-laws out (2 or 3 times a year), and treated their children - both before and after we had our own DC.

30 years down the line it still happens - none of them ever put their hand in their pockets when we're around - we were invited to SIL's 60th birthday meal, and her son sat and watched DH pay (despite he and his wife ordering the most expensive steak - me, bitter, never!)
All of this is despite FIL telling us that SIL had said DH shouldn't be included in PIL's Will, as he's already got enough money! Grin

We are finally stepping back.

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 10:26

RedForFilth

I remember going to school with someone who had Coeliac Disease.

People seem to band about being “gluten free” these days and it pisses me off actually after seeing him having to get bread on prescription etc.

Kirta · 18/04/2018 10:32

A restaurant voucher is my go to wedding gift. After the excitement of a wedding, I always think it's nice to have a voucher for a meal out together when everything is getting back to normal, and you might be a bit skint after the wedding!
I always see a registry as a suggestion? I may be wrong though and I've maybe offended ever bride and groom who's wedding I've ever been to!

LegendOfTomorrow · 18/04/2018 10:42

Honestly I would hand her the voucher back and tell her that unfortunately being XXX intolerant you can't actually use it ::pointed stare::

Then here's the best bit. All that money you throw their way, STOP. Keep it for yourselves. That's your wedding present. It'll be well into the thousands one day. How very generous of SIL huh?

VladmirsPoutine · 18/04/2018 10:42

All of this because of a £50 voucher.

On balance I don't think yabu but it all comes across as being petty. You paid xyz for their children's dresses and in 2004 you visited them etc etc.

Its a reasonable present. This is another reason I can't stand weddings.

SluttyButty · 18/04/2018 10:44

Hmm what on Earth is wrong with a gift voucher for a meal and quite a generous one for that matter. You do realise that A. gluten intolerance isn't quite not remotely like being coeliac? B. you can get gluten free options everywhere these days, coeliacs quite like these bandwagon jumpers apparently because they now have more choice to be able to eat out. So yes yadbvvvu and a little bit sad totting up how generous you've been in the past.
I assume you've heard the saying 'You don't give to receive'?

nokidshere · 18/04/2018 10:53

Meh

YABVU

She got you a gift. Almost everywhere has a gluten free option these days but, even if you don't use it, she gave you a £50 gift.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 18/04/2018 10:57

YABU. Your SIL got you a gift. All the Italian restaurant chains offer gluten-free options now (my OH and MIL are coeliac). I don't understand all this 'give us money' stuff at a wedding. To contribute to the honeymoon is OK but not to cover the cost of the wedding! Same with the dinner party invitation 'please do come over for dinner on Saturday but bring £20 to cover our costs.' Who does that?!

halcyondays · 18/04/2018 10:58

Most Italian chains have gluten free options these days.

JaniceBattersby · 18/04/2018 10:58

YABVU and I can’t actually believe someone would be sniffy enough to moan that someone had given them. £50 voucher as a gift. Have a word with yourself OP.

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