Wedding Gifting Etiquette

[ladydanger]

I recently got married in London and had a honeymoon registry as we have been together for many years and have enough stuff. Our registry started at £20 so we certainly was not expecting massive contributions. Not everybody contributed to the wedding or gave gifts (which I was surprised about but apparently this is reasonably common) but the bit I am having a slight issue with is my sister-in-law.

She, her husband and her two young girls were invited to the wedding (the only kids – they are important to us so we did want them along). Her daughters were flowergirls (which we paid everything for), they live just outside of London so did have to pay for one night’s accommodation at the Travelodge.

Throughout the years I’ve known her, we consistently visit them as they find it difficult to come to us (totally fair with kids) – when we do, we always pay for everything – dinners out, activities for the kids etc. We also always ask what the girls want for Christmas, Birthdays and Easter and generally think we are fairly generous. The last few times we’ve contributed money instead of gifts as per my SIL’s direction for things like ‘re-decorating the girls room’. When she got married a few years back, they also had a registery which we gladly contributed to to start their life. I know my husband has also given her money in the past.

Both her and her husband work and she does make a point of letting us know they’re just getting by – however, they go on an annual holiday to Europe and her daughters are, to be blunt, pretty spoilt. My partner and I are by no means wealthy but it is likely we do earn a bit more – and we have always shared that with her – but I also think that we are more frugal and careful which is why we are able to spoil the people we love in our lives on special occasions.

Anyhow, for our wedding she gave us a £50 gift voucher to an Italian restaurant chain. I am gluten intolerant (as she knows) and we rarely eat pasta / pizza. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I don’t understand why she would’ve decided against contributing that to the honeymoon registry (I know she doesn’t have a problem with monetary gifts as they had a registry at their wedding and we have given her money in the past as gifts to her girls rather than presents).

I guess I just feel a bit hurt that after the years of generosity from our side I thought the first time she would ever have to gift us something – her brother getting married – she may have been a bit more thoughtful about it. AIBU?

I suspect it was a Groupon offer or something like that.

Does it matter? I know quite a few ppl who look as if they spend a lot on themselves, but that's because they are v sensible and frugal in other areas, and take as much advantage of offers/bargains as possible.
Op doesn't know how much actual cash flow they have, she's just assuming.

Maybe you should have put a cash cover charge on the invitations OP

I do think £50 is tight coming from a brother.

Also the bil/Stil law requested donations like the op so should have had no problems giving to the honeymoon fund

Family dynamics always amaze me

Check the expiry date.

A voucher for something the recipient cannot possibly use is a bit of a crap gift. If she'd sent a cheque for £50, then I would be lining up to say you're BU.

But as you cannot use the voucher, and you know she knows this is the case, then she is the one being unreasonable.

Just as you wouldn't give a vegan a voucher for a meat delivery, you don't give a pizzeria voucher to someone who cannot eat either pizza or pasta.

Yes, you have to pretend you haven't noticed. But she's been thoughtless at best.

I am offering no opinion on whether YABU - just wanted to suggest a practical solution. Sorry if this has been said already, but if you do not want the voucher there are websites you can use to sell them on to others, you could then put the money towards honeymoon or something else you want.

Zeek is the first one that springs to mind but if you Google it I'm sure there are others too.

Just as you wouldn't give a vegan a voucher for a meat delivery, you don't give a pizzeria voucher to someone who cannot eat either pizza or pasta.
Didn't a number of pp say there are gluten free options available?

Sakurasnail

she regularly asks us to contribute cash money as gifts to her children the point of making this is that she is clearly comfortable asking for and receiving cash gifts so I was confused as to why she didn't reciprocate for our wedding. I hate tat and unnecessary stuff (a big reason why we did a honeymoon registerty).

I'm not "bitching" about other people gift (I think there was only a few couples who didn't) because they aren't immediate family that I thought we were close to and have consistently been very generous to in the past.

If your dh wants to keep treating his extended family and you dont, you have a problem with him, not the others

I have never had a problem being generous to people I care about. I do (now) have a problem where its clear they are just 'takers' like others have pointed out.

I have never had a problem being generous to people I care about. I do (now) have a problem where its clear they are just 'takers' like others have pointed out.
Unfortunately, that dynamic has been in the making for a very long time, according to the impression you gave in your op. Why, in all the times you've paid for their meals out, has no one suggested splitting costs? And why on earth were you paying for their kid's activities? If, as your dh implies, it's because you have a disproportionately large cash flow in comparison and he wants to treat them, fair enough. But can you not see how this has contributed to the current situation by not expecting anything from them?

Have you checked out gluten free options at the restaurant? You really don't know their financial situation, perhaps at this time £50 is the best they could do. Some ppl prefer to give something other than cash, even if they prefer to receive it. Which is their choice. There are certain members of my extended family who seem to never buy from wish lists for any occasion, and refuse to give cash. We've had a number of obscure gift cards over the years (one of which is soon to expire as I haven't found anywhere to take it yet). It's annoying, but not worth getting too annoyed about.

OK, I change it to 'just as you wouldn't give a vegetarian a MacDonalds'

Better? Yes, there might be some options that are edible, it's hardly the right venue for someone whose restrictions (choice or medical) preclude the main cuisine of that restaurant.

^ this

Actually, if you are coeliac or have to be gluten-free for medical reasons, the Italian chains are much better options for eating out - because they have GF versions of their main dishes, which are properly prepared by correctly trained staff and free from the risk of contamination.

DS prefers to eat at places like this than, say, a pub, where there is a risk of cross-contamination from, say, the chips, because they haven't taken the risks into account.

Same with my son. We often go to a family-run Italian and they are very good at dealing with coeliac requirements.

My sister in law has coeliac disease and she generally prefers an Italian because there's typically a lot more choice for her but as I said, I don't know if it's the case for the chains.

Honestly, a gift is just that. I cannot stand gift lists and can't remember the last time I purchased from one. I find them soulless and shit. I give money, but gift lists aren't typically a thing in my circle.

Your sister in law has given you a gift of £50 which isn't an insubstantial amount by any means. You may have chosen to give more to her but that's your choice, it doesn't give you the right to expect it back.

I don't understand everyone just saying suck it up, it's a gift. Yeeeeees but in the context of being very generous in the past to their family, I think a £50 highstreet restaurant chain voucher is pretty shit.

For a start 4 people went to that wedding, that's only £12.50 per person.

Secondly when people ask for cash for a wedding present, they want cash, not a voucher, that's their perogative as they probably want it for a holiday or for a big household purchase. It would be pretty annoying if everyone bought random Vouchers meaning they couldn't buy what they actually wanted.

She blatantly was given it by someone else, maybe work, and didn't want it herself so palmed it off on you. She definitely hasn't bought it as its more hassle to buy a voucher than just bung some notes in an envelope.

I'd scale back my gifts to them / their kids from now on. If you have kids I wouldn't be expecting anything much from them.

Maybe you can try and swap the voucher with someone that goes for a lot of pizzas, even if you sell it to them for, say £30. If sil asks I'd just be honest and say you don't eat pizza/pasta.

And that's the crux.

For me, asking for something specific and then receiving it makes it more of a transaction and less of a gift.

That aside, £50 is perfectly sufficient as a gift whether it be vouchers, cash or something to that value.

No one should expect a gift. It is a gift, not an expectation, No one should ask for money. If you cant afford the honeymoon you don't go.
Weddings have become a monstrous performance of avarice. Just get married and be happy. A gift of £50 to a restaurant is both nice, and generous. More thoughtful too. I never would give money, why on earth would you want your wedding to create bad feelings

£50 is fine - I think the British are stil, a bit weird about people seeing exactly how much they've given.

I think the choice of a chain restaurant voucher, from someone who is close enough to know that they don't go to chain Italians for health reasons (and they're not like family run proper Italians, but pizza/pasta heavy, very limited options beyond), is pretty shit really.

If they didn't want to give cash, they could have gone for a voucher more likely to be useful to the recipient.

I bet they were re-gifting