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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Gifting Etiquette

119 replies

ladydanger · 18/04/2018 09:35

I recently got married in London and had a honeymoon registry as we have been together for many years and have enough stuff. Our registry started at £20 so we certainly was not expecting massive contributions. Not everybody contributed to the wedding or gave gifts (which I was surprised about but apparently this is reasonably common) but the bit I am having a slight issue with is my sister-in-law.

She, her husband and her two young girls were invited to the wedding (the only kids – they are important to us so we did want them along). Her daughters were flowergirls (which we paid everything for), they live just outside of London so did have to pay for one night’s accommodation at the Travelodge.

Throughout the years I’ve known her, we consistently visit them as they find it difficult to come to us (totally fair with kids) – when we do, we always pay for everything – dinners out, activities for the kids etc. We also always ask what the girls want for Christmas, Birthdays and Easter and generally think we are fairly generous. The last few times we’ve contributed money instead of gifts as per my SIL’s direction for things like ‘re-decorating the girls room’. When she got married a few years back, they also had a registery which we gladly contributed to to start their life. I know my husband has also given her money in the past.

Both her and her husband work and she does make a point of letting us know they’re just getting by – however, they go on an annual holiday to Europe and her daughters are, to be blunt, pretty spoilt. My partner and I are by no means wealthy but it is likely we do earn a bit more – and we have always shared that with her – but I also think that we are more frugal and careful which is why we are able to spoil the people we love in our lives on special occasions.

Anyhow, for our wedding she gave us a £50 gift voucher to an Italian restaurant chain. I am gluten intolerant (as she knows) and we rarely eat pasta / pizza. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I don’t understand why she would’ve decided against contributing that to the honeymoon registry (I know she doesn’t have a problem with monetary gifts as they had a registry at their wedding and we have given her money in the past as gifts to her girls rather than presents).

I guess I just feel a bit hurt that after the years of generosity from our side I thought the first time she would ever have to gift us something – her brother getting married – she may have been a bit more thoughtful about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Whisperquietly · 18/04/2018 15:19

I think it’s pretty thoughtless. I’d be Confused too if someone close to me gave me a wedding gift they knew I couldn’t use.

Perhaps take a step back from lavishing money / gifts on SIL and her family.

LaurieMarlow · 18/04/2018 15:19

I personally, wouldn’t contribute to a honeymoon fund because I think it’s feally vulgar.

If the OP's SIL shares that view, I've no idea in the world why she would think a voucher for a chain restaurant is any different.

livefornaps · 18/04/2018 15:19

No card or message?!!!!

Okay that is truly shite. Your brother's wedding (especially a bro who is always so lovely to you) deserves a few words, at least.

Some people are just absolute leeches.

Crunched · 18/04/2018 15:20

Just a thought... maybe her brother loved a pizza/pasta fest before he was with you and she was actually being quite thoughtful.
I have noticed that when couples come together, the tastes of the more strong-willed partner tend to take precedence. I have a mate who always used to join us for a curry night, now part of a couple and when ever we invite them along his DW says " We hate curry, even the smell". Well her DH managed to hide his aversion for at least 8 years.
Maybe your SIL was aware that you didn't know glutton-free dining is widely available at Italians now and she hoped this gift may give her brother the chance to broaden your choices.

moofolk · 18/04/2018 15:21

YABU.

What is it about weddings that bring this out in people? You (general wedding you) have a party, you invite people who come to you to celebrate your relationship, often at great expense, distance, new clothes, accommodation, etc.
Ask for money, say it's not compulsory, then get pissed off about being given something else.

You said it's not about gift grabbing but it seems it is. Your PP I think realised that yes, you are being ungrateful.

Let it go.

Crunched · 18/04/2018 15:23

Obvs gluten not glutton Blush

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 18/04/2018 15:30

You didn't get the gift you wanted but you got something.

Let it go. Be less generous in future if you wish. Where is BIL in all this?

Bearstrikesback · 18/04/2018 15:37

Sounds like my dear SIL and BIL. When they had their first child they asked us for (and got) a transport system that cost around £700 - we had asked them if there was anything they would like as a gift! For the second child we got off lightly with a jumperoo. When our child was born we received a tiny, soft toy that cost in the region of £5. There are numerous other instances of cheekiness but we have now got very good at ignoring requests and not feeling guilty about it. I suggest you do likewise.

extinctspecies · 18/04/2018 16:21

Gosh, I never give wedding cards.

Is that a recent thing? We had a few when we were married 19 years ago, but not many and I can't remember who from.

And I think £50 is a perfectly fair amount to spend on a wedding present.

It's really vulgar to 'analyse' each gift according to how well off the giver is. That way madness lies. And it also says nothing about what they think about you.

And, you're not just restricted to salad in an Italian restaurant OP - as many others have pointed out. You seem determined to take umbrage.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/04/2018 21:30

Give it to them for Christmas!

Cuppaoftea · 18/04/2018 21:40

Yes I know it's become a 'thing' but I wouldn't give anyone money for their honeymoon, in my view that's something you pay for yourself.

MadMags · 18/04/2018 21:47

So you’d rather control what people get? Give them stuff they don’t want instead of just giving them what they asked for?

bastardkitty · 18/04/2018 21:48

It was a very thoughtless gift. Your SIL is very grabby. I would be so thoughtful or indulgent of that in future. She doesn't deserve the consideration you have shown her. I agree - it's not up to your husband. He's not the boss of your relationship.

LaurieMarlow · 18/04/2018 21:52

Why is a honeymoon something you should pay for yourself, but a restaurant meal/toaster/photo frame isn't?

AlonsosLeftPinky · 18/04/2018 22:18

Honestly I feel like I must be missing something.

A £50 restaurant voucher is a lovely gift, and it's surely a nice thing for a newly Wed couple to go for a meal together??

I don't eat often in chain restaurants so I'm not speaking from a position of experience but surely gluten free is so commonplace these days that they'll cater for it??

Italian food isn't just pizza and pasta either.

MadMags · 18/04/2018 22:37

It’s expressly going against what the bride and groom requested.

Because SIL decided (as would some on here) that actually the wants of the recipient aren’t all that important.

Why are the feelings and opinions of the giver so much more important than those of the recipient?

You decide it’s “grabby” so that’s it? What you think trumps everything?

It’s weird and controlling. And a bit pathetic, actually.

WineIsMyMainVice · 18/04/2018 22:44

I think she’s probably re gifted the voucher. Could it be one they were given at their wedding?

BigPinkBall · 18/04/2018 22:45

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, it’s a thoughtless gift and I’d expect immediate family to get you something you want for your wedding, if it had been from a colleague or friend of the family the it would be a nice gift.

Although I agree with PP that gifts aren’t required for weddings I think when it’s family then they are a non negotiable social obligation unless they are genuinely living hand to mouth.

I remember being quite surprised that one of my DHs close relatives gave us a £15 gift between the 5 of them (2 adults and 3 teenagers) and they’re by no means struggling for money, they’re very flashy.

Fruitcorner123 · 18/04/2018 22:56

If your invitation included some little rhyme telling the guests that all you really want is their presence and you are now complaining because you didnt get the present you wanted you are unreasonable.

I agree the restaurant voucher isn't the most thoughtful gift in the world but it's not the shittest gift either. Just let it go.

HappilyEvaAfter · 19/04/2018 00:01

I feel for you, I really do... I have an elder sister who is exactly like your SIL. For my wedding for which her daughter was flower girl, she came empty handed and weeks later (I suspect my mum pressured!?), came with a cardboard box with leftover cheap gifts that she had got herself from her wedding years ago!! I was stunned as the items she got were of very cheap unknown brands of kitchen gadgets of purposes too that she knew I wouldn't use. It was just a clear-out for her. I didn't say anything but my mum, on her own accord, was horrified and separately gave her a mouthful. Sister returned weeks later with a proper present.

The deal is, like your SIL, she too was working with a working spouse and though could complain of tight funds, always had enough for lavish holidays and luxury. My spouse and I had always doted on her daughter and showered her with stuff too - even though we had things very tough for us especially around the wedding expenses.

10+ years fast forward, we cut back on spending on her kids. Bottom-line, some people are like that. Try not to stress over it and keep your own family out of toxic relationships. Family takes family for granted. Like suggested, return to her if gluten-free options are not available.

Pheasantplucker2 · 19/04/2018 00:24

I totally understand why you're pissed off OP. I would also be in your shoes. It's the thought that counts, well she's showing you that she doesn't think about you and what you'd appreciate.

My Sil (OH's sister) is a total freeloader. She didn't even get us a card at our wedding, despite us buying her outfit for being a bridesmaid. Not at all important, we just wanted family and friends there and didn't care about presents or lack of until she got married, she made a request for no presents, but would APPRECIATE donations to her charity of choice, then rang us up to question whether we'd donated (we hadn't as I'd deliberately left it to OH as it's his family and he forgot), then ranted at us both by phone and then follow up message about how much it had cost her to invite us to her wedding (on balance a lot less than it cost us...) and how awful we were for not donating, despite helping her hugely in the run up and on the day with both time and money.

I still feel embarrassed about the fact we forgot (OH again, his side of the family) to organise his lovely cousin a wedding present. We offered to get them a canvas of their favourite wedding photo and have never organised it, 3 years later. However, as they are lovely and have manners, they've never mentioned it, much less lambasted us about it.

We will sort it out though.

So, although it sticks in your throat, don't mention it other than to thank them. But yes, pull back on the presents in future...

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 19/04/2018 00:47

I have found this thread so interesting.

My BIL got married a year ago- average that people (couples- we're old enough that most of us have partners) was 150-200 euros. 300-500 from close family and bridal party.

Paid for the wedding.

Shadow666 · 19/04/2018 01:07

This will just be the start of it. You’ll have kids and it’ll be the same. You’ll give and give but get very little back. There are givers and takers in the world. You either have to cut back your generosity or just accept your the situation as it is.

blinkineckmum · 19/04/2018 01:34

Someone gave you a gift worth £50 and you started a thread about how thoughtless they are?
YABU and ungrateful and have too much time on your hands.

Sakurasnail · 19/04/2018 02:04

You really need to get over yourself op.

she regularly asks us to contribute cash money as gifts to her children
At some point all kids have heaps of material goods and don't really need more of the same. You asked, she said a contribution to decorating DC rooms (or whatever) would be useful. What's the problem? Would it have been more acceptable to contribute to a tablet/phone or something to add to landfill later?

SIL/BIL (why focus on just her?) got you a present which you can use, as many pp have pointed out. Have you specifically told them you didn't like the place before? Even if you had, a casual comment may have been forgotten. I think ppl have forgotten how to be grateful. Why aren't you bitching about the ppl who didn't even give a gift at all? I'm assuming they were close friends as they were invited to the wedding?

As for you now getting the hump about always paying for them while out, why do it for so long then? You most likely do have a much greater disposable income than them, and it's their choice as to what they do with their money. It's not as if this is a new or recent pattern of behaviour. If your dh wants to keep treating his extended family and you dont, you have a problem with him, not the others.