Wedding Gifting Etiquette

[ladydanger]

I recently got married in London and had a honeymoon registry as we have been together for many years and have enough stuff. Our registry started at £20 so we certainly was not expecting massive contributions. Not everybody contributed to the wedding or gave gifts (which I was surprised about but apparently this is reasonably common) but the bit I am having a slight issue with is my sister-in-law.

She, her husband and her two young girls were invited to the wedding (the only kids – they are important to us so we did want them along). Her daughters were flowergirls (which we paid everything for), they live just outside of London so did have to pay for one night’s accommodation at the Travelodge.

Throughout the years I’ve known her, we consistently visit them as they find it difficult to come to us (totally fair with kids) – when we do, we always pay for everything – dinners out, activities for the kids etc. We also always ask what the girls want for Christmas, Birthdays and Easter and generally think we are fairly generous. The last few times we’ve contributed money instead of gifts as per my SIL’s direction for things like ‘re-decorating the girls room’. When she got married a few years back, they also had a registery which we gladly contributed to to start their life. I know my husband has also given her money in the past.

Both her and her husband work and she does make a point of letting us know they’re just getting by – however, they go on an annual holiday to Europe and her daughters are, to be blunt, pretty spoilt. My partner and I are by no means wealthy but it is likely we do earn a bit more – and we have always shared that with her – but I also think that we are more frugal and careful which is why we are able to spoil the people we love in our lives on special occasions.

Anyhow, for our wedding she gave us a £50 gift voucher to an Italian restaurant chain. I am gluten intolerant (as she knows) and we rarely eat pasta / pizza. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I don’t understand why she would’ve decided against contributing that to the honeymoon registry (I know she doesn’t have a problem with monetary gifts as they had a registry at their wedding and we have given her money in the past as gifts to her girls rather than presents).

I guess I just feel a bit hurt that after the years of generosity from our side I thought the first time she would ever have to gift us something – her brother getting married – she may have been a bit more thoughtful about it. AIBU?

OP several people have pointed out why you should be able to use the voucher despite your gluten intolerance.

Are you going to respond to them?

well she could use the voucher, but if you rarely eat pizza and pasta, that also sounds as though you are not that into pizza and pasta.

You could just go and have a salad and wine just to use the thing up but still seems pointless! Not really a "nice meal out"

I'd sell the voucher on ebay or to a friend/work person (after checking it actually has £50 on it)

My husband doesn't see a problem with this (and neither did I until the wedding to be honest) - his view is that she is family, his younger sister and he is happy to spend and spoil her and the kids effectively forever.

No.

You're married now.

So it's family money and family decisions.

Don't allow that kind of set-up to happen: where effectively his sis somehow comes somewhere before you in the pecking order, that she can show her thoughtlessness to you but somehow be protected from being called on it. It doesn't make for harmony, and it gets worse over time. Be upfront about how thoughtless you found the gift to your H and ask him why he thinks she chose it. Tell him the above and say, I'm not going to be willing for us to spend family money like that when there is no reciprocation. It will make fools of both of us, and of them - as if they're not adult enough to have an equal relationship with us. And I don't want to grow to dislike your sister because she feels she can take digs at us - or rather, me - for earning even slightly more.

There is probably loads of gluten free pasta dishes on offer at the Italian chain, book a table at the restaurant, go with your DH and have a lovely evening, send them a photo with a thank you message on.

You don't give to receive in life and you should receive gifts in the spirit that they are given.

I don't see the big deal. Surely you invite people to your wedding because you want them there, not just to pay for your honeymoon. If people put in that's up to them, if they don't it shouldn't be a source of friction, you still enjoyed your day.

You came to the wrong place, OP.

MNers take pride in being dickheads when it comes to cash presents for weddings.

"I won't be told what to buy so I'm bringing this shit lovely photo frame (insert other crap gift that bride and groom don't want.)"

And you're supposed to be grateful! Some people are twats! What can you do?

I was gluten free for a while (my tummy hates gluten) and st an Italian you can have, salad, steaks, chicken, gluten free pasta dishes....why not look at the menu. She bought you a generous gift as £50 from someone struggling to make e did meet I’d very generous. This holidays will be very precious and if they save to have them then have every right to go away.

YANBU - only on MN is it a thing that people invited to a wedding are OK to turn up with absolutely nothing in their hand, or be grateful when their millionaire brother bungs them a crumpled fiver from his pocket as a gift.

So glad my dh & I eloped and this is one of the many reasons why we hate weddings.
It's the marriage that's important not the gifts, not the dress, not the bloody food and not all this whinging about who got what!
Ffs just bloody grow up and stop acting like a child.
Don't want the voucher then sell it on eBay or give it as a present to someone else.
I cannot imagine why you are sat there getting your knickers in a twist over something so petty.

See? My point is being made all over the thread!

Competitive not-giving-a-shit! So predictable.

I won't be told what to buy so I'm bringing this shit lovely photo frame (insert other crap gift that bride and groom don't want.)

So true

I don't think she's struggling to make ends meet - at all. She spends and buys loads of things for herself and her kids and has no problem going out and buying drinks (for herself) on a big night out.

It seems to be spending on other people that is the problem.

extinctspecies - of course I can go there and have a salad like others have pointed out (I never said I was not or could not use it).

People who don't get a gift or at least a card are fucking rude. I understand what you mean because obviously you've requested something specific and they've thought they know better or have point-blank disregarded what you want. Which I think is quite an egotistical thing to do. Usually you just play ball and get what the fuck is asked of you because it's an honour to be invited to someone's wedding, and usually they are forking out a large amount of money for you to be there. And even if they aren't, time and effort has gone into the day.

HOWEVER, just be pleased they got SOMETHING, of a reasonable value (considering you started your registry at 20£ - they have given you something of more than double this). Plus you really can't say anything as it looks mean or ungrateful.

People are fucking rude.

and you should receive gifts in the spirit that they are given.

I think that is the OP's problem. It is clear to her that the spirit in which it was given was not thoughtful or caring.

Honestly, how much ‘thought and care’ should someone really have to put into the giving of a wedding gift? I mean, I have four kids and the buying of outfits, trying them on, sending them back, booking hotels, getting the kids ready, making sure everything is packed, the kids are fed and then getting to the venue on time is a fucking mission. Then you want me to spend hours pontificating over something special to buy for the bride and groom? Honestly, I just don’t have the energy to give it more than five minutes’ thought. And a pizza voucher is not a terrible bet. It’s not like she bought you a £50 voucher to a monkey sanctuary or something.

I know your wedding was he most important day of your life OP, but these days people (especially those with young kids or demanding jobs) really don’t have a shit load of time. I, personally, wouldn’t contribute to a honeymoon fund because I think it’s feally vulgar. Maybe she feels the same somwent for a safe bet? (Which turned out not to be so safe, unfortunately)

People slot into a fixed role in their families and if she has always been the hapless little sister, who is rescued by big brother then that dynamic will remain.

Give it back to them for Christmas.

Some people see no value in gifts and will give something as a “that will do”. In your place, I’d be mightily pissed off. We had the same issue with brother and wife. Except brother earns more I really struggled with giving the same amount as a wedding gift when 2 years in a row they bought us nothing for Xmas. The first year, I accepted. Brother had down tools and left it to sil. I’d perhaps gone overboard trying to welcome her into the family. But the second year. . I felt like I’d spent the wedding money already. And I let it continue, visiting them with gifts. Them coming empty handed. I finally learnt . But it’s a difficult learning curve. Because I’m wired up to people please. And they, rather like your sil/bil, they’re designed to take.

You’ve received a bit of a shit gift. These people are teaching you how to treat them. I totally agree with Fizzy. This is family money. You get to decide as a couple. Your sil/bil will probably be mightily pissed off but hey ho. You reap what you sew.

If you don’t put your foot down now, you could end up in a situation, where you continue to let them behave like children and their behaviour will escalate as it did with my brother and sil until they became violent and out of control believing they could treat us and our child as they chose.

dangerrabbit
Perfect. Or a bottle of cheap plonk. Blue nun anyone? Actually scrap that, it’s £5.15 at Tesco! 😳

If you want presents, have a gift list.

Traditions, stuffy as they are, are often there for a good practical reason (and sometimes not).

If you want to be less generous with the nieces from now on, do it.

TBH, I would be really surprised at this. A gift voucher for a chain restaurant (let alone one specialising in a food the recipient can't eat) is an odd choice. Much more birthday than wedding.

I would guess they had been given it and regifted tbh, it seems that random to me.

@MadMags wins the best comment here! Lol
YANBU - she regifted an old voucher. Awful! I’m assuming she had plenty of notice about the wedding so it wasn’t sprung on them that they would need to provide a gift.
I think The point you might feel here is by the effort gone into the gift symbolises your worth.
Stop being so generous, it’s not reciprocated so it’s clearly not needed as they don’t seem to be on the same page as you guys!

JaniceBattersby - I would be surprised if she found contributing to a honeymoon fund vulgar considering 1) she had a honeymoon fund when they got married and 2) she regularly asks us to contribute cash money as gifts to her children

Sweetheart I think that ANY gift from her would have riled you - I think you've been building up to feeling pissed off.

Be honest - would you have had the same reaction to 50 quid in a card? Or would you still be raking over your past generosity?

Keeping a beady eye on other people's spending cf. Well she bloody well pays for her own drinks when she wants to...! never bodes well.

This is a matter of the dynamic between her and her brother.

I think these gluten intolerance woes are a bit of a red herring, a lot of people, when choosing a gift just think "what would o fancy?" and so a generic Italian chain seemed a safe bet. You're being very prickly over this point.

Go spend your voucher, get jarred, remember the next time you visit dear old sis to tell your husband to warn her that you & he have Big Married Plans now and so can't foot the bill anymore. It doesn't need to be awkward.

And cheer up!!!

livefornaps - I would've preferred £20 and a thoughtful card (she didn't even bother with a card). To (likely) regift something she knows we wouldn't really enjoy was what got me to pause.