Wedding Gifting Etiquette

[ladydanger]

I recently got married in London and had a honeymoon registry as we have been together for many years and have enough stuff. Our registry started at £20 so we certainly was not expecting massive contributions. Not everybody contributed to the wedding or gave gifts (which I was surprised about but apparently this is reasonably common) but the bit I am having a slight issue with is my sister-in-law.

She, her husband and her two young girls were invited to the wedding (the only kids – they are important to us so we did want them along). Her daughters were flowergirls (which we paid everything for), they live just outside of London so did have to pay for one night’s accommodation at the Travelodge.

Throughout the years I’ve known her, we consistently visit them as they find it difficult to come to us (totally fair with kids) – when we do, we always pay for everything – dinners out, activities for the kids etc. We also always ask what the girls want for Christmas, Birthdays and Easter and generally think we are fairly generous. The last few times we’ve contributed money instead of gifts as per my SIL’s direction for things like ‘re-decorating the girls room’. When she got married a few years back, they also had a registery which we gladly contributed to to start their life. I know my husband has also given her money in the past.

Both her and her husband work and she does make a point of letting us know they’re just getting by – however, they go on an annual holiday to Europe and her daughters are, to be blunt, pretty spoilt. My partner and I are by no means wealthy but it is likely we do earn a bit more – and we have always shared that with her – but I also think that we are more frugal and careful which is why we are able to spoil the people we love in our lives on special occasions.

Anyhow, for our wedding she gave us a £50 gift voucher to an Italian restaurant chain. I am gluten intolerant (as she knows) and we rarely eat pasta / pizza. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I don’t understand why she would’ve decided against contributing that to the honeymoon registry (I know she doesn’t have a problem with monetary gifts as they had a registry at their wedding and we have given her money in the past as gifts to her girls rather than presents).

I guess I just feel a bit hurt that after the years of generosity from our side I thought the first time she would ever have to gift us something – her brother getting married – she may have been a bit more thoughtful about it. AIBU?

MrsSmile thank you for that! Not many people understand how annoying it is when people do that. Or the fact it's actually an autoimmune disease which makes us very ill! There wasn't a blood test back then either. I was so ill before diagnosis I couldn't even play with my friends at breaktime. I ended up in hospital severely malnourished!

Do you think she got it cheap? Or that someone had given it to them as a gift? One Christmas MIL gave DS a £5 'voucher' for WH Smiths ... turned out it was one of those 'spend £15 on books and get £5 off' vouchers that they give you free every now and again with any purchase.

If they’ve got children, something may have come up that meant that £50 was what they could afford, so I think expecting them to be more generous is not ok. I actually think £50 is fair amount too. Wedding expectations seem to have become unattainably high for the average guest nowadays.

Does she even know you’re gluten intolerant? I tend to haze over when people start talking about what they can’t eat and definitely wouldn’t have made the connection with that and a restaurant voucher.

Asking for money is always going to be a minefield. A gift is a gift. You graciously accept it whether it’s fifty quid or a horrible teapot. Gifts are pot luck aren’t they, and at the givers discretion.

There's clearly a bit of history here with your sil , I think it's clouding your judgement a little. I'd let this go though as a £50 gift is pretty generous in my opinion.

We asked for no gifts at our wedding as we're set up at home and don't need anything. We ended up receiving a little cash , some Mr and Mrs keepsake mugs and a few nice bottles of wine. We appreciate them but having family there was what mattered most.

What this boils down to is: AIBU to be annoyed that my SIL doesn't seem to have noticed I'm gluten intolerant?

To which I'd say, no, you're not but there will probably be something on the menu that's GF. And if there isn't, then can't you just go there and order a green salad and spent the bulk of the voucher on wine/cocktails/pudding instead?

(Reading between the lines, are you suspicious that someone else gave THEM a Zizzi/Prezzo voucher, and they're recycling it your way?)

At least she gave you something! My sister picked the bridesmaids dresses for my wedding, they cost €300 each which We obviously paid for,(3 other bridesmaids too so €1200 for all 4) I dressed her entire family.

I let her bring the 2 students she has for the year, and they turned up in scruffy clothes, I paid for Hair, makeup, jewellery, and accommodation in the hotel.
She didn't even give us a card. And told me that if her husband asked I was to say she had given us a present

She knows I'm gluten intolerant.
She is vegetarian and one of her daughters has a peanut allergy (which we are always so careful about).

DialMforMordor I'm pretty sure it's a recycled gift but who knows...

Anyway I do appreciate everybody's responses. Perhaps there is some underlying issue I have with her seemingly leeching off us over the past 7 years, never once offering (not once) or paying for anything (ever) and then for our wedding giving us something that I'm pretty sure she knows we wouldn't enjoy.

I know it's the thought that counts but it sounds like she didn't think or care at all.

I mean, if you had a friend who you had taken out, spent money on them and their family consistently etc (willingly - nobody made us - I know this!) but never once repaid that generosity (and I know people show their love in different ways but really...)... would you continue that friendship?

I expected more. Maybe I am bitter.

Also, I know this wasn’t in the op, but the thing of covering the cost of attending the wedding in a cash gift really gets my goat!

I hate it too. Very transactional and calculating somehow.

I'd be hacked off as its clearly a recycled gift voucher that they didn't fancy using. I'd say you can't use it, can they exchange it for etc - Argos/B&Q etc

My first thought was recycled too!

It's just one of those things that some people are incredibly generous and some aren't, and often it has no relation to their financial means. At my wedding one cousin gave £30 cinema voucher (utterly random) from him and DP and his adult children absolutely nothing. Other friends were more than generous.

I completely understand your point of view, and of course you can't really do anything about the voucher, but you can reign in your future generosity . It does sound very one sided.

I think I would be annoyed too. I didnt care who got us what for our wedding; some got us nothing, some got us lovely little things. The only thing I minded was a friend who decided she hated the crockery we owned (very sentimental to us & owned for a long time) and decided she'd treat us to a new set of her choice as a wedding gift. Basically it reflected to me how little she knew or cared about us.

And re: gluten free, I'm ceoliac myself & it caused me very serious problems before diagnosis BUT thats not the only reason to be gluten free - it has a big impact, for example on some people with crohns or endometriosis. I have dc with a different intolerance & get the eye rolls. It wont kill them but one exposure is 48 hours of severe pain and upset stomachs. Worth making a fuss to avoid.

CaptainNancyoftheAmazon thank you for pointing out the intolerance. I understand it's completely different to being ceoliac but the severe pain and upset stomach (amongst other things) means I do completely avoid.

When we asked for dietary requirements she also put down her kids aversion to mushrooms, tomato sauce, etc etc (it was a list of 5 things the kids were currently fussy on) which we completely catered for so it just seems like a slap in the face to receive something she knows we cannot use (or would not enjoy).

This isn't about her not 'paying enough' for the wedding. I'm not asking for anybody to front up to cover the cost at all.

Op I don't blame you at all for being upset, it was a thoughtless "gift" and you're not unreasonable to expect better from your sister in law

As I said, I don't think yabu but this is just the way it is with some people. Don't give more of yourself than you can afford to lose. And keeping a tally is just crass. If you feel under-appreciated then now you know where you stand.

I understand where you're coming from OP- it was a likely recycled gift that showed a lack of thoughtfulness.

We got quite a few wacky wedding gifts, but each of them showed that the giver had put some thought into them. Even one large brightly painted vase, which tbh isn't really our style, I now love because I know it was picked out with care and love and makes me think of the people who gave it to us. I don't care how much money was spent on any of them.

But the problem you have here goes way past the wedding gift- it sounds like you have ended up with an imbalance in the relationship where you give, and they take. I think often this can happen accidentally, esp when one part of family has more money or time, or has children first, e.g. You give generous presents to nieces and nephews, vaguely assuming this is what you do in your family, then when you have children it suddenly stops.

I think this gift issue shows that you need to rebalance it somehow- stop paying for all their meals out, think seriously about ways to limit the financial and emotional investment you make that isn't being reciprocated.

There's a huge difference between 'my mate who is skint spent less money on a wedding present for us than we did for her' in a situation where effort went into picking a thoughtful gift and thatfriend is always thee for you, vs one where one friend arranges meet ups, listens to the others problems, buys thoughtful and expensive gifts and ends up usually buying dinner while the other only takes.

Talk to your husband, think about asserting some boundaries going forward. As others have said, this could turn out to be a more useful gift than you think if it gives you a push to try and have a more healthy and balanced relationship in the future.

I think YABU. Just enjoy your newly wed status, embrace your husband's family and don't sweat the small stuff life is too short.

And as for reining in future generosity - this will never happen. My husband doesn't see a problem with this (and neither did I until the wedding to be honest) - his view is that she is family, his younger sister and he is happy to spend and spoil her and the kids effectively forever.

I think you are being a bit U.

She did give you a gift. And not an obviously terrible one. The tallying up of what you've done for her/pointing out that she takes holidays is not relevant.

However, I would be flummoxed as to why she couldn't have put £50 to the honeymoon registry like you actually wanted.

OP whether it's a gluten intolerance or coeliac disease you should still be able to use the voucher.

DS is coeliac, and most of the Italian chains are extremely good at catering for this (as is Italy the country) and offer GF pizzas and pastas, as well as naturally GF foods. Many are accredited by Coeliac UK.

For example: www.pizzaexpress.com/our-food/gluten-free-foods

www.pizzahut.co.uk/restaurants/blog/no_gluten_no_problem/

reddressblueshoes - thanks so much for taking the time to read that, I completely think this is where I'm coming from.

Unfortunately as above, I don't think reining in any of the spending on her and the family will ever happen. My husband does not see this as an issue at all. It seems the expectation will be for us to pick up the tab when we are with them for the foreseeable future. We don't have children at the moment so probably do have a higher disposable income but if we are lucky to have some in the future I don't feel like this should continue.

Anyway sounds like this is veering off topic slightly - appreciate all your responses though!

Maybe she thinks donating cash for your honeymoon is vulgar so opted to give you something else instead.

You should be grateful and forget about it.

I would think £50 was about right for a wedding gift in general but I would give more to close family if I could afford it. A voucher for a chain restaurant is a very weird and thoughtless wedding gift though IMO.

But hey, at least she gave you something! My BIL didn’t even bother getting us a card let alone a gift for our wedding or the birth of our son, and my husband has been extremely financially generous towards him (obviously have shut that down now ). I wouldn’t think you were unreasonable to stop shelling out for them so much in future, they obviously don’t appreciate it.

Yabu for expecting people to pay for your honeymoon. How greedy.

I can see why you are miffed but it feels to me like this is nothing to do with the voucher and your dietary requirements and everything to do with the fact that you feel your husband is too generous with his sister and her kids.

It's a voucher for a meal out on her, I think it's an absolutely fine gift! They will have salads and booze on the menu - job done. Most also do gluten free pasta as I know because my friend eats it!

You are lucky it wasn't a toaster or a random set of towels, I know of weddings where those have been given when they weren't on a gift list or anything.

Sorry i think you are being unreasonable on two counts

I don’t understand why she would’ve decided against contributing that to the honeymoon registry

Why can't she do something else as a gift if thats what she prefers? Yes its not the most thoughtful gift but you can't assume she meant to upset you it coukd have been a mistake or she genuinely thought a meal out after the wedding would be a nice thing to look forward to.

Suggesting you thought she would be more generous is grabby. £50 is a lot in my opinion and you think they have less money than you so should not be compared to amounts you have spent on them.

If you want to treat your nephew's and nieces go ahead but do it because you love them and are kind not because you think that's what you ought to do or in order to get a decent gift back.

I suppose I could understand if they hadn't got you a gift but complaining because it isn't what you wanted is not on OP.