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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being a SAHM

492 replies

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 13/05/2007 10:12

i am a SAHM because
I have a severely disabled child. I have to be on call 24/7 as she also has epilepsy/
Dh is happy for me to be a SAHM and we manage finacially.
apart from respite we have no one to help if she is ill or in the school hoildays.

OP posts:
saintmaybe · 14/05/2007 16:51

2shoes, you are ALWAYS reasonable as far as I've ever seen, and a truly lovely person. I hope you know that really.

Adorabelle · 14/05/2007 17:07

As I said in my previous post I love being
a SAHM but even though I enjoy it I agree that sometimes I am bored shitless!

There are only so many toddler groups, baby gyms, swim sessions, park outings,trips to the beach to collect shells to paint you can do with your LO before you start longing
for adult company & time without your darling child to just be You & not a Mummy.

Every 2 weeks i'll go out to girlfriends house & we'll share a bottle of wine, or 3 & I also make sure when dh is home he spends time with her on his own so I can just be 'me'.

Chelseamum · 14/05/2007 17:09

Great post Popple!

Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 17:20

Well it's much easier for me now the youngest are 8. That's the only real difference and having more money and help than when the first ones were little helps too. I like my work but sometimes it's difficult but it's much better for me than being home which I couldn't have stood. But I'm in year 22 of motherhood. I could have been on baby number 20 I suppose by now not counting any times like my last two were if I'd had a different sort of life.

And I'm sure like everyone, male and female, I have as many issues and problems as anyone.

Original poster
2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 17:28

Xenia are you deliberately missing the point not everyone has a choice

OP posts:
mamazon · 14/05/2007 17:30

OOh i have missed this thread.

I actualy get quite angry at the assumptions that are made about single unemplyed mothers...mostly because i am one...now.

i used to be a professional in a good job who earned a good wage and great social life.

Unfortunatly i also had a shitty ex. i am now single with two children (bothof whom are from my ex) and am living off benefits.

This is not my choice but i have a 2 year old and a 6 year old with SN. unfortunatly he is in mainstream school and is sent home frequantly. I am tired of being made to feel like a sponger.

I would give anything to be able to work again, i loved my job and wish to return to my career at some point but i do not see why i should be made to feel guilty for putting my children first at the moment.

2shoes you are fantastic and you know that. there are many on here who talk out of their arses, who probably live in their own world who think it perfectly acceptable to post inflamatory remarks with the sole intention of making others feel less adequate. i dont know if its to fuel their own self esteem or if they are simply nasty human beings, but dont allow them to get to you....it just add's fuel to their fire.

Original poster
2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 17:33

mamazon thank you

OP posts:
FioFio · 14/05/2007 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SpookyMadMummy · 14/05/2007 17:35

I am with 2shoes here.
I am a SAHM
I do not have a choice.. but I would not change it. 2shoes and I are in a similar situation the only difference is the disability is different.
Xenia, I think you are very fortunate not to have a child with a disability (I only say that because I have not seen you mention disability within your family, although I concede I could be wrong)
Looking after any child with any degree of disability is a very hard job. Often outside organisations are either not available or simply unable to cope, as in my dd's case.
Give SAHM's a break!

Original poster
2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 17:36

spooky you have got it so right.

OP posts:
mamazon · 14/05/2007 17:38

until you have a child with SN xenia you have no place to give opinions.

I dont think there are many that would hire a nanny to parent a child with Sn simply so that they could go and work. i think there is something quite wrong emotionaly, with someone that feels it more important to work than to be with their child.

Adorabelle · 14/05/2007 17:55

I choose not to work because I don't want
to miss one moment of my child growing up.

Yes it's a cliche but kids grow up so quickly & I couldn't bear the thought of my dd taking her 1st steps or someone else enjoying all the funny quirky little things she does. I'm selfish & I want to enjoy all the wonderful new things she does not some nanny or childcare assistant.

Raising a child full time is a tough task, i'm making sure now that I raise a well rounded, happy, confident and decent child who will go onto be productive and highly regared member of society when she's adult.

Anyone needing affermation that staying at home to raise your children should read Steve Buddulphs (sp?) The Secrets of Raising Happy Children, it's a great book and i've bought copies for all my friends who have kids.

yogimum · 14/05/2007 18:01

Im a SAHM. My ds 9 months goes to nursery one day and to his grandparents one day a week. Im not lazing at home, going to the gym etc and I don't hate the childcare bit (ref to earlier post). Oh yes I have a cleaner aswell. I trained as a maternity nurse so going back to work isn't an option. I also worked as a nanny but it would be weird going back to that and hiring someone to look after mine.

franca70 · 14/05/2007 18:08

Ok, sorry 2shoes to hijack your thread, as I said earlier I think you are doing a great job, and I'd do the same if I were in your shoes (excuse the pun).
I am actually a sahm. However, I'm not convinced that the only way to raise a well rounded and productive member of society is by staying at home and not miss a single minute of their adorable formative years. Xenia has one good point and this is that as parents we are fallible, regardless of the time, love, goodwill, imagination, etc etc we put in the education of our children.
I don't think nurseries are bad. Quite the contrary, they are rather wonderful, IME.

franca70 · 14/05/2007 18:09

[I wasn't meaning I'd do a similar great job, I was meaning I'd make the same choice you made ]

iota · 14/05/2007 18:09

I'm a SAHM with school-age children - it's a nice life

Wotzsaname · 14/05/2007 18:11

well said SpookyMadMummy

lucyellensmum · 14/05/2007 18:20

i dont think i could stay at home when dd goes to school, i went to college then uni when dd1 started school. I really might climb the walls, what would you do all day - oh, scrap that, theres always MN

3andnomore · 14/05/2007 18:24

hm....not unreasonable...surely up to you and what suits you and your family...no one elses beeswax

3andnomore · 14/05/2007 18:28

Xenia is not lucky because she hasn't got a disabled child....Xenia is lucky that clearly she much ratehr likes to work, earns a very decent wage as to be able to afford the childcare she wants....!Of course, not just luck....but you know what I mean!
Obviously not something that is available to everyone...
I think in both categories SAHM and Working out fo the HOme mums are subcategories ....mums that are doing it because they want to, and mums that do it because needs must....depends on the individual circumstances....

Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 18:28

I know mothers like me who work and have managed to find nannies who will look after their special needs children but they are women and men who earn quit a bit so I accept that's a key difference and I'm sure the type of special needs makes a huge disability. I also know some who send them away to board at 7 or 10 but I accept many parents may not be prepared to do that even if that benefits the other chidlren in the family. You have to make your own choices. If our children pick lucrative work and we guide them to that we can ensure they have choices some people don't end up having (or marry rich men!).

Yes, I have no idea what it's like living with a child with special needs.

But I don't agree with "i think there is something quite wrong emotionaly, with someone that feels it more important to work than to be with their child."

4 ouf ot 5 women in the UK choose to work whilst they have under 5s. Many of them want to. They love their children very much but just like their husbands know that their children do not suffer by their working in 2007, not at all, often the contrary.

3andnomore · 14/05/2007 18:30

Don't think I said that well...of course anyone is lucky when they haven't got a disabled child...but that is a different issue....

Roskva · 14/05/2007 18:42

Been out with dd most of the afternoon. I agree completely with Adorabelle - I believe that being here for my child is just so important. I just don't agree that providing material possessions is more important, which appears to be what someone suggested in one post.

I also disagree that being a SAHM is isolating - I have made lots of new friends since dd arrived, some of whom I would never have met either through my work or pre-dd social life.

However, I have done the career thing and got disillusioned with it long before dd arrived. Incidentally, I was earning more than dh.

Original poster
2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 18:57

"I also know some who send them away to board at 7 or 10 but I accept many parents may not be prepared to do that even if that benefits the other chidlren in the family. You have to make your own choices. "
i can't believe you posted that.
you really are sad

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 18:59

But do explain why because some parents with children with disabilities do send the chidlren to residential units at boarding schools and they aer well cared for and often they come home every weekend. Many parents of non disabled children send them away too, not that I am in favour of boarding at all but it must be hard to balance the needs of different children within a family.